PAIN AND DEVOTION

ELLIE

Turning my alarm off exactly one minute before it’s supposed to ring. Always been the same routine, at this point I don’t know why I even bother to set my alarm. Countless sleepless nights. Sleep is foreign to me now.

I have forgotten how sleep feels. How to turn off your brain for even a second. Forgot how it feels to be alive. I don’t know why I am still alive.

I should’ve died with them. Died when my mother was taking her last breaths and looking at me with those mournful, poignant, sorrowful eyes. Died when my father was lying in the pool of his blood, begging his assaulter to spare me and my brother. My kind compassionate and loving brother. Died when he shielded me with his very own body.

I should’ve been the one to take that bullet. Should’ve been the one who died because Raven was the one who deserved to live. It’s not only my loss but this world’s loss to lose such a kind soul. A soul so rare to find that even waiting for 500 years wouldn’t be enough.

Yet, here I am living alone in the same place I shared with them. The very place that still echoes with their laughter. With our laughter. The place that holds so many memories. Now it’s empty. It doesn’t feel like home anymore. It stopped feeling warm the second my father and brother took their last breaths in the living room.

Sometimes I still see the stains of blood, see their lifeless bodies lying on the carpet my mum bought with so much glee. It doesn’t matter how many times this place is cleaned, those pools of blood have been inked my brain.

Getting out of my bed, I head straight to the bathroom to get ready for work. Each passing day is a blur. Days melt into weeks and weeks into year.

Before I even know it, it’s Christmas. Life is an infinite loop, a sort of endless maze nobody tries to find the exit to. What’s the point of anything?

Now that I’m fully dressed and ready to head downstairs. I look at myself in the mirror and find a stranger staring back at me. Soulless brown orbs stare right back at me. Mocking me for my misery. I can’t look at myself for more than 10 seconds or else I’m disgusted, suffocated, and have this unyielding urge to finish myself right then and there.

But I can’t. Can’t before finishing the one job my brother was so desperate for. The only thing keeping me alive right now. The only reason for not committing suicide right now.

Heading downstairs, a glimpse of a navy blue head scarf catches my eyes. It’s Margret, I realize. I have always seen her in a head scarf since childhood. I don’t know the reason but she says it’s tradition. Before I get the chance, she greets me. “Good Morning, Greta” I reply.

Greta has been with us since mum died. I was 5 then. I couldn’t pronounce her name, always called her Gret which became Greta through the years.

Now, She’s the only person whom I can call family. I must say if it wasn’t for her I would be long in my grave. She held me, comforted me when I was at my lowest. She’s the motherly figure I ever had. She loves me as her child and I’ll be forever grateful to her.

In return, her family which is in Germany is my family’s responsibility. Now mine. Precisely. She stays in LA with me because she refuses to leave me alone. No matter how much I persuade her. She says my mother declared her my guardian in her position. I tried to talk her into going back to her family but she’s determined to keep the promise she made 18 years ago to my mother. Her best friend.

She says she’ll leave me when I have a reliable life partner. Which is only possible if I plan to live.

“I’ve made your favorite pancakes, Kleiner Schatz.”

Old me would’ve loved these fluffy pancakes glistening with honey, but that joyful, carefree girl died the day she was stripped from the only family she had left. I’m really in no mood but still, I eat them just for Greta, because I know she’ll not let me go until I eat.

“Today is a big day, Ell”

She says stroking my cheek with her thumb pad. “I’ll try my best”

I respond trying to add some gentleness to my tone.

“I know, just don’t tire yourself too much.”

I nod and try to smile which comes out more as something broken than a smile. I’m aware that she’s saying so because, during the last project, I had neglected myself completely which was fine with me but not with her. I don’t wanna worry her. Again.

I drive to my workplace. Every day the same routine just different dates.

Same problems but different faces. The same concerns different occasions.

I’m mechanical as I navigate through my day. My feet automatically apply brakes as I reach the colossal building of “Waltz Enterprises.”

“Good Morning, Ms. Ellie.”

I hear the weathered voice that belongs to Mr. Carlos, my secretary. He has been with us for a long long time. One of the oldest friends of my dad.

He’s among the very few people I trust. I notice the bushy brows, salt and pepper hair, and graveled voice. The years haven’t been kind to him but he’s more poise and professional than average modern men. Somehow, it is said that those stand most straight who learn to walk beneath a weight. He begins to explain my schedule out of habit. There is no requirement since I have it memorized. This is the day I have been waiting for.

After summing up all the tasks scheduled before lunch, I sit in my office reviewing the final slide deck for the presentation which is supposed to be given in the meeting after lunch. If we got these investments it would be the accomplishment of the year as the biggest restaurant chain is collaborating with the finest beverage company out there, as the articles state. If we successfully seal this deal, I’ll be just inches apart from my goal. My brother’s goal. So, I need to give my 100% to this meeting. My team has been working on this project preparation for months.

Entering the conference room, I hear their hushed whispers “Quiet it down, she’s coming.”

It has been a long time since I stopped caring about what others think about me, say about me. My concern is only one thing whose key is this meeting about to take place right now. I head towards the seat positioned at one end of the large conference table whose one side is occupied by my employees and the other will be occupied by employees of Beaufort Enterprises.

Our potential investor.

“Good Morning, Today is the culmination of all our long-term preparations. I expect everyone to present to the best of their abilities. Ms. Sarah, Will you show us the final slide deck? I want this meeting to go smoothly and perfectly.”

“Sure, Mam”

I settle in my seat as she moves towards the projector to display. As she scrolls, I notice everything is according to the instructions I gave her. Wait shouldn’t there be, “Look at the final calculation again Ms.Sarah.” My tone is more harsh than I intend it to be. I don’t want anything to go wrong. Even the slightest mistakes can lead to a disaster. She eyes the slide up and down, nervousness evident on her face. It shouldn’t be like this. If she’s nervous now, It’s given she’ll mess up the presentation. I take a deep breath and begin and force myself to sound a bit soft.

“Look, where you calculated our annual profit it should be 95,670 dollars instead of 95,250 dollars. Recalculate and edit this before they come.”

She disappears from the room in an instant grabbing her laptop in process.

A throbbing pain has already formed beneath my temples. Surely this is the D-day. Massaging my temples, I sip the iced coffee placed in front of me forcing myself to cool down a bit.

“How did she calculate that just by looking?”

“I got chills by the way she spoke.”

Two employees seated a few seats away from my chair pretend to whisper to each other. It’s hilarious how they don’t even try to lower their voice. “If you pay attention instead of engaging in inarticulate talk you’ll be able to calculate that too,” I say to both of them pinning them with my stare.

The door slides open and I stand up to greet them.

Mr. Alexander Beaufort walks inside along with a few others. As soon as I look into the silver pools, I’m struck by how blindingly good-looking he is. But there’s something. An odd familiarity. What is this feeling? Do I know him?

His name doesn’t ring any bell. Then why? He looks in his mid-twenties. Slicked back long brown hair, if left astray they would reach below his neck. Not a single hair was out of place except a single strand off-target.

Chiseled jaw and, sharp nose dressed in an all-black Hugo Boss suit which is, no doubt, specially tailored for him. Amused expressions and a smile so broad it’s almost reaching his ears. It’s as if he’s happy to meet me.

“Hello, hope we’re not late.”

He sounds so crisp, so luxurious, almost soothing. He sounds just like fresh air feels on my skin. By his accent, I can tell he’s a native German speaker.

“Welcome”

I say shaking his hand firmly. My dad taught me to always shake hands with confidence. Said that it indicates a strong personality and decisiveness. I again look into his eyes, grey eyes which resemble stormy skies. My instincts keep telling me I know him. He’s familiar but I can’t place it. It’s frustrating.

His presence is unsettling in every sense.

“Pleasure meeting you Ms. Ellie Waltz”

“Likewise Mr Beaufort.”