Seasons of Yearning

Rivi

“Why does everything that can go wrong, go wrong?” I grumble under my breath as I try to wipe off the strong black coffee I’ve just poured all over my diner uniform. I was too busy staring into the reflection in the glass coffee put to notice it tilting.

The coffee soaks into my dress making it almost the same colour as my milk chocolate skin tone.

I’m so tired I don’t even know how I managed to carry this tray fool of food all night in this cheap diner. My eggshell yellow uniform comes down to my thighs showing my slim legs which thanks to palates I don’t feel embarrassed about. But with this coffee stain, I can’t help but feel embarrassed.

Not like our night-shift diner clients give a damn. They’re either looking for something hearty to warm them up or strong coffee to prevent a hangover in the morning. I’ve seen my share of dramatic drunks but on average we have an uneventful night.

I sigh and toss the wipe into the bin.

There’s no way this will work I need to change.

I make my way to take a look in the supply closet for a spare uniform when a bald middle-aged man crooks a fat finger my way.

“Come on, sweetheart,” He slurs, “I need coffee, now.” His eyes bore into my skin leering hungrily making any exposed skin that was fine a moment ago feel like something intimately mine and his eyes are intruders.

Giving a small huff I make my way to his table and pour the lukewarm coffee into his cup. He doesn’t deserve hot coffee.

Before I walk away his sticky hands catch the ends of my black curly hair that falls down my back. It takes a lot of work to get my hair to curl like this. This fool doesn’t know, you never touch a black girl’s curls.

I glare back at him, “Yo got a death wish or just no home training? Hands off the curls before I teach yo some manners.”

He rolls his eyes but lets go of my hair. I flick my hair back and walk to the supply closet to find a spare uniform. I grab one which is two sizes too big making my slender frame look petite.

I put it on in the restroom and look at myself in the mirror. I can’t help but get lost in the reflection. I see myself eyes red with dark circles around. But behind me I see autumn leaves falling slowly. They always calm me. I look back and just see the stalls behind me. But In the reflection of the mirror I see the gold and red leaves falling tranquilly down.

Reflections have always been a place I can escape in. I must have a fantastic imagination ’cause I always see different things in them. I think of it as my mind’s way of looking for an escape, a moment to feel calm and whole.

I go through the last hour of my shift watching the clock till the small hand points to seven. I let out a grunt and stretch my arms.

Finally...

I pull off my apron feeling sluggish and drained. Walking to the doors and leaving the one or two customers who are in for an early coffee before work, I hear the bell ring out above my head as push the doors open.

The ‘24/7 OPEN’ sign has started flickering. Its annoying red LED lights make my head ache even more after a long night shift. My feet and I’m exhausted. Just doing the one extra hour that my boss ‘asked’ me to do, has made this an ordeal.

The streets are almost deserted, as the world itself is still half-asleep. My footsteps echo, with each eery click of my high heels.

Walking up to my apartment I hope to feel at home and welcome, it’s the least I deserve... isn’t it? To feel safe and heard in your own home. To feel loved and appreciated? Is that too much to ask?

But with my siblings, it seems like it sometimes. I trudge up the stairs and fumble with the keys as I try to unlock it. The other apartment doors are opening as they head out to work or school looking at me with pity, ‘The poor girl who works through the night.’ I don’t need their pity, I have a brother and sister, they’ll pity me and take care of me, right?

I unlock the door and push it open. Looking inside the cozy three-bedroom apartment I share with my siblings I see my older brother Seren on the couch looking like he slept the night there after going to one of those wild parties.

“Hey, brotha,” I try to sound cheerful. It might be my end of the day but it’s everyone else’s start and no one likes a sour start.

“Rivi, are yo outta ya mind? I got a hangover from Mars and a don’t need ya high pitch in ma ear.” He says glaring at me before he goes back to the phone. Clearly whoever’s on his phone doesn’t annoy him.

I roll my eyes and put my bag down when my older sister rushes passed me in a beautiful blur. She wears her hair all natural in a long afro and somehow where I look like a crown crane she looks like a dazzling peacock. Her nails are always done with perfect matte acrylic and her skin is flawless, unlike mine that’s still clinging to teen achene marks, even though I’m nineteen and practically twenty. I’m not a kid but try telling my skin that.

She tosses her school bag and grabs her purse, I frown in confusion. “Vi, where are yo goinn’? Shouldn’t yo be in school?” Now that I look at her she’s even more perfect than usual wearing her short dress that shows just the right amount of cleavage for a... date.

“Wait are yo goinn’ on a date?” I say shock. Even Seren stops and looks over his phone.

“Where are yo goinn’? That ain’t where ya supposed to be.” He actually gets off the couch that looks like he had become part of.

Vi just rolls her eyes and stares into the mirror as she applies some cherry red lipgloss to her full lips. “It’s just a breakfast coffee thing.”

“What does that even mean,” I say my hand on my hip.

“Vi, yo gotta get good grades. Have the exams even passed?” Seren asks and I realise how little Vi has been telling us.

“I won’t miss any classes, I have a free period.” She grabs her knockoff channel bag.

“But, Vi. Yo need ta take your studies seriously.” I say to her but I know I must sound like the insignificant buzz of a pest.

“We’re all putting yo through uni, Vi. It needs to pay off.” Seren says rolling his eyes and going back to the couch.

He talks so casually about our sibling pact, the one reason we’re still together. It feels like I’m the only one who still remembers. We work our asses off and send us all to uni one by one while the other two support the one in uni.

It’s a perfect plan even though it leaves me on the night shift of the dinner while Vi goes to uni then Seren, then me. I don’t think they realize, I work the night shift at a diner. This is my best chance at anything decent.

I sigh, just when I thought we were gonna have a normal family conversation, where we actually address the mammoths in the room, they both look the other way giving half answers and zero attention.

I stand there in the middle of the living room and watch as Seren and Vi go about their morning. “Did you save me anything to eat?” I walk to the kitchen. They don’t bother to answer but I can see the empty pizza boxes and I sigh finding they didn’t leave anything for me.

Typical...

They wouldn’t even notice if I didn’t come home. None of them noticed I was an hour late. I quickly make some soothing tea and walk right past my siblings who don’t bother to look at me not even a ‘sleep well.’

I open the door to my room and sigh with relief. My home. Now I’m home. This is what home is supposed to feel like, right? Peace, quiet...

I can’t even continue that. Even I know this isn’t what home’s supposed to feel like. This is a safe house if anything. I remove my uniform and slip into some yoga shorts and a baggy T-shirt.

Home is supposed to be full of... love, and family. That’s home. If only my two siblings could stop and realize that.

I wash my face and brush my teeth. I blow dry my hair and twist it into little braids. It takes me two hours every ‘night’ (well my nights are after my night shift so technically morning). But I don’t mind those two hours being used that way, what else would I do?

I sit down at my desk the morning light cut off by my thick curtains. I had to invest in the good stuff otherwise I never managed to in the middle of the day. Noise cancelling ear plugs, soft eye mask and a light duvet to accommodate the heat of the day.

I take my hair and meticulously twist each small lock of hair. I like my long black hair. It takes a lot to maintain this length but no matter what Vi says it’s worth it.

Sipping my tea and twisting my hair I finally feel calm enough to sleep. Each muscle relaxes and my tired eyes grow heavy. My routine sure works.

I tie the locks back in a ponytail. I look into the mirror and see a tall stone castle it looks so cozy almost like it’s a distant home... one I could have, in some other universe where I’m some rich princess who could ever live in someplace like that.

The sight doesn’t feel like a wild imagining, it doesn’t make me escape reality. If anything it makes the harsh reality of being an orphan with two selfish siblings very apparent.

I crash on my bed with a bounce a little feeling the soft welcoming bed beneath me. I pull the covers around myself and curl into a ball.

Maybe if I hold the image of that castle in my mind I’ll find it in my dreams. Somewhere I belong. Yes, I can dream of it, the beauty of that Autumn palace, that great stone structure feels more like a home than this apartment.

The same apartment I’ve lived in with my siblings for a whole year since I was out of the system and legally 18, with no need for foster care or the government keeping track of me. That was supposed to be the beginning of a home. My home.

But surely there’s more for me than this?

I’ve always felt like there’s gotta be more. More than just surviving, more than just getting by in a place that never really felt like mine. This apartment? It’s just walls and a roof, but it ain’t no home. Not the kind of home I’m dreaming of, where the air feels alive, and the colours wrap around you like a warm embrace.

The Autumn palace, with its golden hues and whispering winds, calls to me in ways I can’t explain. It’s like a piece of my soul is out there, waiting for me to find it.

To truly belong.