The Chapel Floor

A race.Like a rat race. Raceing over beauty, money, education. An ugly stupid whore takes a nose job, thinking that she's pretty. News flash! She's not. She's not pretty. She's lucky to have pale eye lids and a rich daddy. But she's got no tallent, other than fucking her bastard cousin.God I wish I could be so rich and so pretty. I would wear white diamonds from head to toe. A tiara, diamond phone case. And, I would put her in a short-roof room for the rest of her life. Her beauty would turn into dead dried layers of skin, and her daddy and beloved cousin would never find her again.

I would order donkeys to put with her in a room. Would let her grow her hair to her toes. Mass of dirty mite-filled hair. And Samantha, I would order to put you in front of a tv, playing series on tv till the rest of your life. You would be tied to a chair and forced to watch them. Her stupid family circle. Her stupid family. Oh, rich daddy. My eyes shake on their own. Idk how to fix it. I really think that I'd better go from this country. Never return to this dirty, cheap, stupid place.They laugh, and they smile. I think sitting with these people has been tollerable tonight . Cause I don't look at their faces. I don't pay attention to them.

I'm in my room. Empty room. With frozen floor. Was she ever my sister? I got attached to someone again. Anxious attachment, you know. Like she was never just a human with flesh, bones, and blood. She was a godess to me, an icon. I fell in love again.  With the image I made from her in my mind. The truth is, I'm not healed yet. I befriended them. Only two of them. Too much expectation, too much trust. Mabye, she was right. I counted on her too much. I expected too much from her. While we weren't ready. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to befriend someone. It's so lonely. I made someone big in my head again. There will be no traveling to Neverland, no friend to call sis, no real sister. I have no real authentic person to love me, support me, and want the best for me. But is there anybody who supports me emotionally and wants the best for me? My therapist.  He doesn't charge me with therapy fees. Mom wants me to be successful, at least half of her wants. Dad. He likes me. Even though he's got issues. Joe, He has serious mental issues, but sometimes he helps when I'm in need of help. Sometimes, he doesn't like it. At least I think like that. He acts jelous and is a control freak. I am a control freak as well. I just wanted to control my friends, family, pet,  therapist, boss, taxi driver , and the rest of the town. I wanted to control myself.  Instead of respecting my opinions. Even though I thought I wasn't the best, most perfect , ideal person in the whole world.

You can't postpone a daily task till the next day. It has the name on it. Daily. It's about the day. Every day.  It's about the momment. And it's different from impulsive behaviors. To fill the empty whole in your mind. Staying on the promises you made. I think English is my favorite language.  My thoughts are so twisted.