This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Content Warning: This story contains suicidal ideation.
It was 2 a.m., and all Sandy could think about was the exam she would surely fail in the morning. Her chest felt like something was squeezing the life out of her, and tears were about to fall from her eyes. She hated it—every second of it.
It was getting pathetic how weak she was. People fought to be in her spot, and she was wasting it. Her parents even rented a condo unit to make it easier for her. All the expenses for a degree she didn’t even want anymore. How could an 18-year-old girl possibly know what she wanted to be?
She was officially in danger academically and literally. If she failed this subject, she would be on probation and delayed for a year. She didn’t want that. She wanted to get out of here ASAP, get the degree, and run away. She thought she could stomach a research job for a while, just to get some use out of her degree, but now, she wasn’t so sure.
She groaned and let the tears fall. She leaned on the balcony railing and looked down. She was 16 floors up. If she jumped right now, at least no children would get traumatized. It was so easy. She could easily climb on a chair and throw herself over the railing.
Sandy closed her eyes and stepped away from the railing.
Stop.
What was happening to her?
She sobbed and curled up in her bed. There really was no point in living if she failed this subject. She hated this path. She had to get out. So what if it was the last month of her second year? Was any degree worth this much trouble? She didn’t even want this. She chose it because it was practical, and everybody expected her to be something worthwhile like her mother. She thought she could be a scientist, working in a lab and conducting experiments. She was wrong. She realized this semester that she hated working at the lab and writing scientific papers. The lab hours were grueling, and she struggled in most science and math courses, so her general weighted average was already subpar.
The easiest way out would be killing herself. She already had the materials for different methods, and the balcony was right there. All she had to do was choose how and when to commit.
What was the point of living if she couldn’t do what she wanted?
Why would she keep on living like this if she hated it so much? Every month, she thought about dropping out. Every semester, she thought about ending it all. Her chest would get tight when she thought about going to the campus. She was getting headaches almost every week from the lack of sleep and the hours studying and doing work in front of a screen. All she wanted to do was paint. It was the only thing that would shut up the voices in her head. Why couldn’t she live like that?
Sandy slept that night with her heart finally set on dropping out.
The following day, she went to school early to have a bit of time to review her notes. She took the test and was comforted that she didn’t have to worry anymore. She hated the place anyway, along with most of the people in it. She was too young to be so set on ending it now. Her cousin was 21 when she won her first Grammy, and while Sandy probably wouldn’t achieve something that big within the year, there was still hope that things would get better.
So Sandy studied for what would be her last semester in college. Maybe she was too privileged because she had rich parents who loved her, but she wasn’t doing this because of that. She would find a way to live and support herself on her terms. The only way she’d survive was if she prioritized her mental health.
She remained calm as Finals week rolled around, and her classmates grew anxious about their futures. She was going to finish this. If she failed, that was fine. It wasn’t like she was coming back.
That Sunday, Sandy prepared for her last exam. She wasn’t that great in biochemistry, but the least she could do for herself after all this trouble was to get a decent grade. Besides, the class was fun. Her professor was one of the nicest she had encountered, and she didn’t want to disappoint her.
Sandy was lucky she was born in the US and had a US passport. She had enough money to get a one-way ticket to LA and an Uber to her cousin’s house. From there, she could get a job—maybe walk some celebrity’s dogs or housesit for an art collector. Granted, it was probably delusional, but something needed to change. As much as she loved the city she grew up in, it was also suffocating, filled with people who knew too much about her and had too many opinions on what she should be.
Sandy already told her parents she was going on a vacation, but they didn’t care for details since she usually stayed out of trouble. Maybe they thought it was just a local trip with her blockmates, like last year.
Her mom was too busy in her clinic, and her father was too busy with his midlife crisis. What kind of person starts a business at 50? He could die anytime now.
Sandy packed her whole life into a backpack and a suitcase. After showering, she was ready to go.
Sandy arrived at the LAX mid-morning. She could barely hear the people around her as her heartbeat grew louder. Was she actually doing this?
“Welcome home,” the immigration officer said, returning her passport.
“Thank you,” Sandy replied with a smile. She wondered if this could be home. It’s always been an option. Her mother had told her she could send her to college here, but Sandy thought it was too expensive, and it wasn’t like she had a degree she wanted to pursue to the point that she was willing to be a financial burden to her parents.
If her mother knew what she was doing right now, she’d be bombarding her with questions like, what’s the plan, Sandy? Her mother’s life was planned out. She knew she wanted to be a doctor at 13. She wanted to study in Manila, so she did. She only got married after graduating med school and got pregnant after working in a hospital for a few years. When she returned from LA with baby Sandy, she was ready to return to work. Eventually, she established multiple clinics.
She booked a ride to her cousin’s house and arrived more than an hour later in Studio City.
The hedges have grown taller since the last time she came. She stood before the gate, hands on her bags, thinking of what she would say. She didn’t tell anyone she was coming. That had to be a mistake. What if it was a bad time?
“Sandy?” a shocked voice said.
Sandy turned towards the voice and saw a handsome man much taller than her, walking two cats and a short-legged dog. It was Zack. He was 26 and had only gotten better looking with age. His usual short dark hair was now blonde and shaggy.
She beamed. “I’m sorry for coming by unannounced.”
He pulled her into a tight hug. She hadn’t been held like this for a long time. The last time she was here was two years ago, the summer before college, when she got to tour the country with her favorite cousin/singer-songwriter/actress.
“What happened to your hair?” Sandy asked.
He ran his free hand through his hair. “You like it? I’m thinking of growing it out.”
Coby, the dog, started barking and licking Sandy’s ankles. Sandy squatted down to pet his bronze fur. He wagged his tail and licked her arms, making Sandy giggle but also a little disgusted. Who knew what this guy had been licking during their walk? Jessica, the calico cat, rubbed against her side. Sandy called Ben, the tilapia cat, but he remained lying on the pavement, looking at her.
“So what brings you to the land of the guns?” Zack asked.
Sandy ran her hands along Jessica’s tail. “I needed a change of pace.”
Sandy stood up and rubbed disinfectant on her hands and arms.
Zack opened the gate and let them in. “So the school year’s over?”
Sandy looked around the front yard, which was filled with shrubs and different flowers. They passed the ficus tree near the gate, walking along the brick path that led to the house. Differently colored bougainvillea plants climbed along the white walls toward the black roof. Nobody would think a young celebrity lived here.
It was probably not a good idea to drop by unannounced at her most successful cousin’s home. She could already see the disappointment in her relatives’ faces once they found out what she had done.
“I don’t feel like taking summer classes this year,” Sandy said.
“You know you can tell me anything, right?” Zack said. “I won’t judge. Heck, I don’t have the right to judge.”
Zack was 26 with no degree, girlfriend, or regular job. He mainly lived off his earnings from when he was a child star. And while he was still doing voice work occasionally, he had no ongoing recurring role. But he could relax—he had the right to relax. He had been working nonstop since he stepped foot in Hollywood when he was 11. And it’s not like he was poor. He had residuals from the shows he had done before and earned from streams of his songs from TV shows, his album from five years ago, and Kat’s music that he had helped produce.
Sandy sighed. “I just had the worst semester of my life. I hate my major, and I think I failed a major subject. I’m dropping out. I’m just really not happy.”
“Holy shit,” Zack said.
“Yeah, I know, I’m wasting my life. It’s not like I have an existing career to fall back on. I barely have any money in my bank accounts, and my parents have no idea that I ran away from my whole life.”
“I should’ve saved that holy shit for this moment.”
“You said no judging.”
“I’m not judging. I’m just really surprised you did all that.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I don’t know, you’re a lot like Kat. You’re a family of rule-followers.”
“I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with my life,” Sandy whined, “and I hated the person I was becoming while I was there.”
“I get it. You don’t have to explain yourself. Life can be rough, and sometimes you just need a break.”
“Well, it’s not a break because I’m not coming back. Is Ate Kat here?”
“Yeah.”
They went inside and put their shoes in the cabinet beside the door.
“Kat! There’s a surprise for you!” Zack yelled.
Sandy left her bag by the mirror while Zack removed the pets’ harnesses.
Sandy looked around the house filled with thrifted decorations and furniture. Her eyes landed on the bookshelf with all of Kat’s achievements. She had an Emmy, four Grammys, and a bunch of other acting awards. If she played her cards right, she could be the youngest EGOT.
Sandy suddenly wanted to disappear. Why would someone as successful as Kat want her failure of a cousin around?
Kat was in the kitchen washing the dishes with her much taller boyfriend, Martin.
Zack cleared his throat.
Kat turned around and screamed, frightening Martin. She wiped her hands and embraced Sandy.
“What are you doing here?” Kat asked.
“Surprise,” Sandy said.
“Why didn’t you tell us you were coming? We could’ve picked you up from the airport.” Kat gave her a glass of water. “Do you want tea?”
“Just water.” Sandy gulped down the water, avoiding eye contact.
Kat stared at her, pursing her lips. “Okay, something’s weird. Do your parents know you’re here?”
Sandy shook her head.
“What happened?”
Sandy looked at Zack, who gestured at her to go on. “You’re gonna want to sit down for this.”
Kat sat on a barstool while Martin stood beside her. Sandy told them everything—or at least everything she told Zack. Nobody needed to know that she almost jumped off a balcony.
“You can stay here for as long as you like,” Kat said.
“I don’t know what I want to do yet. All I know is I don’t want to go back home. And I don’t want to be a burden to you.”
Kat held Sandy’s hands. “You’re family and my favorite cousin; I have your back.”
Sandy felt tears welling up in her eyes. She didn’t expect her cousin to be so nice about it. She was basically asking to be a burden for her cousin for a while. Kat may not have been the blueprint Asian daughter, but everyone still loved her. She finished college while working on shows, movies, and a music career. The family didn’t mind that she had an online business degree and worked in the arts because she was making decent money off her passions. Who in their right mind would question someone who bought their first house in LA at 20?
“You’re not disappointed in me?” Sandy asked as Kat helped her settle into the guest room.
Kat adjusted the pillow on the bed. “I’m proud of you for fighting for yourself. I know it wasn’t easy leaving all that behind, but you left because you knew it wasn’t working for you. All I ask is you don’t become an addict. You can take a break, just don’t do drugs.”
Sandy chuckled. “I won’t do drugs.”
“I’m serious. So many people in LA are on drugs,” Kat said, sitting on the bed. “Do your parents seriously know nothing about this?”
“Nope.”
“Well, my mom will find out soon. She’s always checking on us even when she’s in Vancouver, but she can keep a secret until you get the balls to call your mom.”
“Do I have to?”
“It won’t be easy, but you have to.”
“Maybe next week.” Sandy had needed a break from it all for a while, and she could finally admit it. She had the means to pause, so why shouldn’t she take advantage of it? It was about time she stopped depriving herself of things she wanted.
That afternoon, Sandy swam as many laps in the pool as she could. Her cousin’s backyard was even prettier than the front yard. The hedges and trees blocked the area from the sight of the neighbors. There was a sitting area under a pergola, a dining area, and a fancy grill.
The whole place was filled with plants in the ground and pots. Zack was five years into his social media break and had only gotten more into gardening. He came out in trunks and a clam float but stopped by the newly planted cacti before joining Sandy in the water.
“Why don’t you just float in the water like a normal person?” Sandy asked.
“Normal people use floats.”
“So this is your life? Floating around in the pool and living in your ex’s girlfriend’s house?”
Zack turned to face her and pushed his sunglasses on his head. “Are you judging me?”
“Everyone’s secretly judging each other.” Sandy needed a break from talking about herself. It was exhausting. She needed something else to focus on. Unfortunately, she chose a weird topic. But if they were comfortable living together, then they should’ve been able to talk about it.
Zack smiled. “I know it’s unusual.”
“I’m not trying to make it weird, but how does living with your ex and his girlfriend feel?”
“They’re both my best friends, so it’s all good now. Hell, it’s been all good for a long time. The last time you were here, I still had a girlfriend, and we all lived in harmony.”
Sandy spent her whole life focusing on herself and her studies. Even though she had friends, she couldn’t form deep relationships these people seemed to have. “Are you still friends with your last ex?”
“I tried to get her back one last time but realized it was stupid. If she was willing to hurt me that much, then she didn’t deserve me. Take notes. They’re not worth it if they can’t give you the same energy.”
“I get it. I also got dumped.”
He sat up. “Wait, what?”
“I had a girlfriend late last year. She broke up with me on our third month.” Sandy didn’t want people to think she dropped out because some girl broke her heart. She’d hated attending school for so long and thought it would change in college. Her friendship with that person made school more bearable. “I thought I meant more to her. She said we could still be friends, but I couldn’t do it right after she coldly dropped me. Then, when I was ready, I reached out multiple times, but she ignored me. It’s not like I wanted to get back together; I just wanted my friend back.”
Zack whistled. “Yeah, that’s rough.”
“Did you and Martin have that stage?”
“We didn’t hang out alone for a year, but we still hung out with Kat.”
“You sat through the awkwardness for Ate Kat?”
“Yeah, she’s really important to me, which is why you’re also important. How are you doing? Really?”
Sandy looked up at the blue sky, then back at him. “I’ve been better.”
She wanted to tell him everything, but it wasn’t the right time. He’d been through this years ago. Sandy could still remember the sadness in his eyes that Christmas after his attempt. Her aunt, who was also his manager, kept his privacy and even let him live with them for a while. Spending Christmas with the Garcias seemed to ground him, and he’s been an honorary family member since.
“If you want to vent, I’m all ears.”
Sandy observed the light as the water moved around them, thinking about how good it would look on a canvas. “I think I’m still in the reflecting stage.”
“Well, I’m here if you’re ready.”
The next day, Sandy decided to go out without telling anyone. She turned on Do Not Disturb and walked to the nearest craft store. The quickest route was a 20-minute walk through residential streets and Ventura Boulevard. It was only a three-minute drive, but she didn’t want to disturb anyone.
Sandy walked through the aisles, skimming her fingers through the paint tubes. Craft stores with this much variety didn’t exist back at home. She’d always been an artist, but pursuing it as a career felt stupid, so she chose to major in STEM. She had the grades for it back in high school, and it was what her family expected.
She converted the acrylic paint prices to Philippine pesos as she stuffed them in the basket. She could also buy oil paints, but the good ones were too expensive and unsafe for the pets in Kat’s house.
She stopped in front of the Winsor & Newton display. Why was she even doing this? Was she actually going to stay in LA and leave everything behind?
All she knew was she felt so free now, just a few days after her last exam at that wretched university. She didn’t need college. Many people didn’t have degrees in the US but still made decent money.
She checked her phone for the time. Kat was calling. Great, now she had to answer a phone call in public.
“Diyos ko, Sandy. What took you so long to respond? Are you okay?” Kat asked, her voice filled with concern.
“My phone was silent and on DND. I’m in Studio City Place,” Sandy replied.
“You can’t just leave without telling any of us. What if somebody snatched you up?”
“You sound like my mom.”
“I know you like doing an Irish goodbye, but you can’t do that to me, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Where are you exactly?”
Sandy wanted to spend time alone, though she probably shouldn’t have been. “Michaels.”
Kat was in the store with her within five minutes in her workout clothes, mask, and sunglasses.
“Are you wearing a disguise?” Sandy teased.
Kat shushed her, placing a hand on her shoulder. “We’ve managed to keep my house secret for years. We’re not about to change that now. Buy anything you want, my treat.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Consider it a gift. It’s been two years, girl.”
“Can I get oil paint?”
“Of course.”
“It’s toxic.”
“Then don’t eat it?”
“I don’t want to endanger your pets.”
“Just lock your room at all times. You can also work in the garage. How big of an easel do you want?”
“Ang OA.”
Kat put her hands on her waist. “What’s OA about that? I don’t want you to hurt your back. Plus, where are you gonna paint the canvases?”
The two cousins lugged all the art materials into Kat’s car, which was fortunately parked nearby.
“So you wanna eat pizza or ramen?” Kat asked as she shut the trunk.
“Pizza.”
They crossed the road to the pizza place, sharing a 10-inch vegetable pizza. Kat had been a vegetarian since she was a teen, while Sandy followed suit after she had to scramble a frog’s brain for a class.
“So, are you planning to sell your art?” Kat asked.
Sandy frowned. “I haven’t even started painting yet.”
“I’ve seen your artworks on your stories.”
“I still need to practice.”
“Well, if you need help selling your art in the future, I can post them on my stories.” Kat’s most annoying trait was that she was always thinking of the future. Sandy just wanted everything to stop for a while.
“And what, you’ll take 20%?”
“I’ll do it for free; you’re family.”
“Your mom’s family, but she still gets a commission from being your manager. I don’t want to be a nepo cousin.”
“Think about it. You don’t have to decide on anything now.”
“Thanks. Let’s talk about something else.”
“Like what?”
“How are you so comfortable with your boyfriend living with his ex?”
She snorted. “You’re such a Marites.”
“It’s just not the usual living arrangement. And Zack’s single. Many people would feel threatened in your situation.”
“We’re all besties and comfortable with each other, so it’s fine.”
“Zack said something similar.”
“You asked him about this?”
“Why? Did you two also have something?”
“Nothing romantic ever happened between us.”
“Except for the kiss you shared on TV,” Sandy said. She remembered watching the episode on a pirating site. It was weird seeing two people she knew well kiss on a sitcom.
Kat snorted. “That was a job.”
“I don’t get how you do that and not fall in love with your scene partner.”
“It’s a job.”
“How did Martin take it when you had to make out with your ex for your zombie show?”
“It’s part of the job, he gets it.”
“So you two are just the perfect couple, huh?”
Kat grinned. “We’re not perfect.”
When they got home, Martin immediately greeted Kat with a kiss. Sometimes, it was nauseating how lovey-dovey they were. Maybe it was them making up for the pretending they had to do in public.
“We’re gonna have some people over to rehearse for the tour,” Martin said as he carried the easel to Sandy’s bedroom. “You don’t have to meet them. We’ll just be in the studio the whole afternoon.”
The said studio was a shed in the back corner of the backyard. It had all the essential instruments and was soundproof, so the neighbors wouldn’t complain.
Martin stacked the small canvases on the dresser. “We’re also going to the beach house for the weekend. You’re joining us, right?”
“Why does it sound like you’re forcing me?” Sandy asked. She hadn’t seen the ocean in too long, she was obviously going.
“Is that a yes?”
“Who says no to the beach?”
Sandy decided to paint outside. Although it was almost summer, it was still cool outside for her, having grown up in the tropical heat. She brought her art materials through the French doors connecting to the patio. She found a reference photo from her family vacation earlier and painted it with acrylics on a small canvas.
The paints she got were of higher quality than she was used to. Turns out she had been depriving herself in more ways than she thought. She started with a burnt sienna underpainting before going in with the colors. When she needed a break, she would look at the plants or watch the band through the floor-to-ceiling glass windows.
They ate lunch together at the patio. People would take turns looking at Sandy’s painting and complimenting her even though it wasn’t finished yet.
“Are you in art school?” Leah asked. She was the friend group’s favorite bassist. She started touring with Zack in 2019 and eventually worked with Kat and Martin.
“No.” Sandy had never considered formally studying art until now. But she hated studying and being in college so that probably wouldn’t work out.
“You should consider. You’re good.”
“Thanks, Leah.”
“I’m getting married in December, do you do live paintings? I’d love to hire you.”
Sandy’s eyes widened. Nobody has offered to pay for her art before. “I haven’t done it before but would love to do that.”
“Well, you can experiment on me as long as I don’t end up looking ugly.”
“Oh, I’m too much of a perfectionist for that to happen.”
Leah laughed and patted Sandy’s shoulders before heading inside, her braids swinging against her back.
Sandy finished the painting, thinking about the future. Before this, she would think about the future and see herself in a grave or stuck in a life she didn’t want. Whenever she thought of becoming an artist, she thought of herself starving. Now, she saw that people wanted to see her work. People were willing to pay for her art. She might end up fine, after all.
The Malibu beach house wasn’t actually a beach house or Martin’s. It was a seven-bedroom modern build on the cliffs near Point Dume that Martin’s parents built with their hard-earned money. They had a big security system company that many wealthy people used in LA.
Sandy carried her backpack and Jessica’s pet carrier through the giant wooden front door. Martin’s grandmother and younger sister, Rose, welcomed them. Sandy set down the pet carrier in the living room and looked up at the chandelier, which fit perfectly with the 12-foot ceilings.
The Colemans weren’t always rich. Martin used to live with his parents, younger sister, and grandmother in a three-bedroom apartment in Santa Monica when the family business was just a small start-up struggling to find investors because rich people didn’t want to risk their money on a middle-class black couple. Even then, his parents made sure Martin kept most of his earnings while working as a child actor.
Sandy wasn’t used to the sun still being up this late. It was already dinnertime at the Coleman household, but the sun wouldn’t set for another hour.
“How long are you staying in LA?” Martin’s grandmother asked.
“I don’t know. Probably forever.”
“That’s fun. There are lots of options here, and you won’t starve because you’re with family. God always provides.”
“Nobody’s starving in our watch,” Martin said, putting his arm around Kat’s shoulders.
They were really locked in. It wouldn’t surprise Sandy if they got engaged soon. It made her wonder. Would they still hide their relationship from the public if they got engaged? They seemed like the type to surprise the public once they’re married, but that was probably too insane, right?
“Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend?” Rose asked.
Martin elbowed her. “That’s rude.”
“I’m single,” Sandy said.
Rose sighed. “I miss being single.”
Sandy’s eyebrows shot up. Wasn’t she 11?
“Excuse me?” Martin started ranting about how she was too young and how he needed to meet her boyfriend immediately.
Sandy settled on a chair and watched the sunset with her cousin and Zack. Martin stayed inside to clean up and barrage his sister with more questions.
“I get why you like Martin,” Sandy said.
“It’s not just like. She loves him,” Zack teased.
“We love each other,” Kat said.
Sandy turned to Zack. “And this is not weird for you?”
“Girl, I was pushing them to get together,” he answered.
“Yeah, he was annoying.”
Sandy longed for dynamics like this. All the friendships she’d ever been in were either too shallow or too immature to survive something like this. She’d been waiting for so long to find friends like them. She was always a backup friend or a fair-weather friend. Whenever she was going through something, all she could count on was herself.
The next day, Kat made everyone surf, including Sandy, who didn’t know how.
“Can you see me?” Zack yelled.
Sandy couldn’t see without her glasses and wasn’t willing to start wearing contacts in the ocean. To her, Zack was just a blurry figure with a blob for a face, bobbing up and down with the waves.
“Not really!” Sandy responded.
“You’re gonna kill your cousin!” he yelled at Kat.
“More like I’m gonna kill you all if you let her drown!” Kat said.
Sandy was a strong swimmer. She was on the swim team in high school and was used to swimming in the sea, but it was never this rough in the Philippines.
Kat was her primary instructor, while Zack and Martin ensured she didn’t go under. After numerous falls, she was finally able to stand up. However, it didn’t last long. She crashed into the water. She kicked her feet to the surface, but another wave crashed on her head, pushing her down. She kicked harder until she caught the board and pulled her head above the water.
Martin helped her get back on the board. “Are you okay? You want to take a break?”
She panted, getting dizzy as she looked at the blurry cliffs.
“Okay, we’re taking a break. Come on.”
They let the waves take them back to the shore. The walk back over the rocks was brutal as the waves crashed against the back of their legs. Martin had to take Sandy’s board so she wouldn’t lose her balance.
“You didn’t have to come with me,” Sandy said. “I know you like surfing.”
“You would’ve tripped and ruined the board somehow.” Sandy almost forgot how expensive surfboards were. Martin didn’t seem like the type to skimp on quality.
They sat on the sand where they left their water bottles.
“How long have you been in love with my cousin?” Sandy asked.
Martin choked on his drink. “Seriously? Right now?”
“Well?”
“I swear, all Garcia women have an attitude,” he said, setting down his drink. “I’ve loved her for a long time but started falling for her four years ago.”
“Really? While she was recovering from ACL surgery? So you just took care of her, hoping she’d give you a chance?”
“Come on, it’s not like that. I didn’t even realize I was falling in love until she ended up dating Mia.” It was so like him and Kat to blur the lines between friendship and romance.
“So she broke your heart?”
“It’s not like she knew I liked her. I tried to move on when I had to film out of state for a few months. But then Mia broke up with her, and she needed a friend, and I had to be there for her—through Facetime. The vibe changed when I got back in LA. I don’t know how we managed to keep things professional on set.”
“From what I heard, it was not that professional.”
He smiled as he played with the sand under his feet. “What can I say? She makes me feel so safe and loved.”
“You guys are too cute.”
He watched Kat catch a wave. She was a much better surfer now, even though she had to relearn it three years ago after her injury.
“I need to ask you something,” Martin said.
“Okay…”
“Do you think Kat would like to marry me?”
“Oh! I mean, we haven’t talked about it, but she seems to love the heck out of you. When are you proposing?”
“I don’t know. I feel like it’s not yet the right time. Everything’s too chaotic with the tour and her album release.”
“Well, life is chaotic. But I bet she’ll say yes anytime as long as you don’t propose in front of a crowd.”
He chuckled. “I wasn’t planning to. I don’t have a ring yet. I want to get something customized. She hates those mainstream engagement rings.”
“You know, I could help you design the ring.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
“You’re hired.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I’ll pay you. I want it to be unique, and I can’t draw.”
Why did her cousin have to be so lucky? She was already a prettier version of Sandy, but then she also had a thriving career and a man who adored her.
Sandy couldn’t sleep. She wrapped her robe around her and headed downstairs. It was almost 2 a.m., and all the overhead lights were off; she relied on the bottom part of the stair railings, which lit up as she passed.
Sandy made her way outside, walking through the grass towards the stairs that led down the bluff. She stopped at the wooden landing and looked down over the edge. Below her, vegetation grew along the steep slope. A few weeks ago, she would’ve jumped. She pictured her deformed corpse bleeding over the pretty rocks and shuddered.
As she stood there, all she could feel was sadness for herself, how bad her state of mind had to be just to end everything. Tears fell from her eyes. She watched the waves crash against the sand below.
Sandy checked her phone. Her heart twisted at the sight of her empty inbox. She’d always had a feeling that nobody back home cared about her, and it was finally confirmed. She was probably overreacting, but was it too much to ask for someone to have a random conversation with?
Whatever, it wasn’t like she was coming back. It would be easier for everyone if they just forgot about her. She could build a new life here. She already had friends and family. Maybe that’s why she never felt like she belonged back home—a loner since grade school, friendly with others but never close enough.
The wind dried her tears as she laughed at how different her life was now. Leaving was the best thing she could do for herself. She didn’t need to succumb to societal expectations. She could just be herself here, and there would be people who would appreciate it.
Sandy spent the day painting the ocean and the cliffs. She used Rose’s easel and placed it near the edge of the cliff where she could see Kat and Martin catching waves.
Zack ran around the lawn with Coby, only taking breaks to annoy Sandy.
“You could just take a picture and paint inside where there’s AC,” Zack said as he lay down on the grass with an umbrella over his head. He was starting to look like a raw chicken. Why did white people love getting burnt?
“It’s not even that hot.” It was 25°C and windy. That was the temperature of Sandy’s air conditioning back home.
“I forgot you came from the sun.”
“This is what happens when you run around during the hottest time of the day.” Coby was already napping under one of the lounge chairs by the pool.
“Why do you love painting so much?”
Sandy cleaned her brush with water before setting it down. She sat on the ground to stretch her legs. “It’s the only thing that shuts up my brain. And it would be a shame to waste my talent.”
“That’s interesting. I love making music for the same reasons.”
“Then why did you stop?”
“I’m still making music—you know I’ve been helping Kat and Martin.”
“But when are you gonna release your music? It’s been more than five years since you released your album. I’m sure many people are still waiting for you to come up with new stuff. Including me.”
Zack moved the umbrella away from his face and smirked. “You listen to my songs?”
“You make cool music, Zack. I need you to work on your second album ASAP. I’m growing impatient.”
He chuckled, his cheeks getting redder. “This might be the push I needed to finish it. Are you really one of my monthly listeners?
Sandy pulled out her phone and showed him her recently played music which included his album.
“What’s your favorite song?”
““Hostile.” I love how you just used all the instruments you could. It’s so grand. And the rapping? Chef’s kiss.”
He propped up his head. “Are you a fan, Sandy?”
“I just like great artists.”
“Thank you.” He sat up to get a better view of Sandy’s canvas. “I love how you keep the brushstrokes visible. I didn’t expect you’d need this many colors, though.”
“I like to layer; it just makes it look fuller, you know?”
“Yeah, I used like 100 tracks to make “Hostile.””
It was Sunday morning when Zack begged Sandy to sketch him. Sandy hadn’t done a live sketch in ages, yet as soon as the pencil touched her sketchbook, the lines seemed to draw themselves.
Zack posed on a chair near the stairs to the beach.
“You should hang out with Hannah,” he said. Hannah was part of his high school friend group. She used to live in the Valley, but she moved to a homestead in Colorado once she graduated. Sandy met her numerous times when she was younger. She was a traditional artist who worked with different mediums, and Sandy wanted to be like her.
“How is she?” Sandy asked.
“She’s usually alone in her homestead. You can come with us and visit her before the show in Salt Lake City.”
“Is there even room in the tour bus for me?”
“There’s always room in the tour bus for you.”
Sandy didn’t have plans for the foreseeable future, and with Martin hiring her to design Kat’s ring, it would have been easier if she had gone with them.
Once it was afternoon, the four had to pack their bags and head back to Studio City. Jessica fell asleep in Sandy’s lap while Sandy fell asleep on Zack’s shoulder.
Despite the long drive, they arrived home with enough time for Martin to cook dinner.
The next day, Kat and Martin dealt with the tour preparations. Zack stayed in the studio, only leaving to cook meals and take bathroom breaks. Jessica and Sandy also hung out in the studio with him. Sandy practiced digital art, drawing anything her eyes landed on while Jessica settled in loaf form on a high shelf, looking over them.
Sandy still couldn’t believe she was in the studio while Zack worked on his next album. She wasn’t in the room when Kat and Martin worked on their respective albums, so it still didn’t sink in that these people she knew so personally made those award-winning songs. And now, even though she was a couple feet away from Zack as he played with the soundboard, it still felt unreal.
Zack claimed the demos were early drafts, but they already sounded like the songs some artists put out. He was clearly one of the best out there, yet he only had 300,000 monthly listeners on Spotify—it was unfair how the creative world worked. Most of the big artists in either music or art were overhyped. Someone could make a masterpiece; only a handful would know about its existence. Sandy wondered if she was willing to do that. If she was going to make art her career, would she be okay with putting out the best work and not getting anything in return?
Sandy paused from coloring as she listened to Zack’s lyrics. His voice was raw and full of emotion, painting a picture with music. Even Jessica seemed to be in awe, tilting her head towards him. He sang like nobody else was in the room.
When he finished, he removed his headphones and asked, “Was that bad?”
“What do you mean? That was so good,” Sandy said. “But if you want to re-record, I’d love to hear it again.”
He grinned. “You’re too much.”
“I’ve been told.”
His smile faded away. “I meant it as a good thing. You’re not too much in a bad way. It’s—I like—”
“Oh my god, I get it. Chill.”
He shook his head, grinning. “You want a snack?”
On Tuesday, Kat and Martin left early to meet with a bunch of people in preparation for the tour. Meanwhile, Zack and Sandy binge-watched a series in the living room until early afternoon. After that, they played with Coby in the front yard, who ran around them in circles until he grew tired and napped, belly up, under the ficus tree.
Sandy and Zack sat on a bench among the flower beds.
“Is this just how your life is?” Sandy asked. “Frolicking in the garden, lounging around, and just working when you feel like it?”
“I’d love to live like this forever, but we both know it’s not practical.” Zack leaned back on the bench and played with a flower. “It’s the calm before the storm. I’m taking all the peace and quiet I can get before we play in front of screaming crowds.”
“How do you perform in front of all those people?”
“I’m used to it. I still get nervous, but when I’m up there with my friends, I can’t fail. As cheesy as it is, they give me strength.”
“I’m glad you’re alive, Zack.”
He smiled at her. “Yeah, I’m also glad you’re alive.”
A lump formed in Sandy’s throat. “How did you know?”
His eyebrows peaked. “Well, I know now.”
Sandy looked away.
“You don’t have to tell me anything, but I’m here when you’re ready.”
Should she tell him?
They sat in silence for a few moments until Sandy found the courage to open up. She despised her ex for being so closed off, but she’d also never been completely honest to anyone about how bad her mental health was.
She faced Zack, who was already looking at her. “Do you want to know why I decided to leave?”
Zack nodded.
She looked ahead, her voice breaking. “Just last month, I was in the darkest place I’ve ever been. I was failing a subject, and I couldn’t see myself going on after failing that one. My solution was just to end it all. I didn’t see the point in living. Suddenly, I felt like I was in somebody else’s body, living a life I never wanted. My wake-up call was when I almost jumped off a balcony before an exam. It was 16 floors up. I’d be dead.”
She tried to find the words to explain further, but she broke down crying. Zack closed the space between them to hold her. Sandy buried her head on his shoulder.
“You don’t have to explain yourself. I’m so proud of you for choosing yourself.”
Sandy needed to cry, so she kept weeping, only stopping when she ran out of tears. Zack went inside to get her water.
“Did you actually fail the subject?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t checked.”
“You want to look at it right now? While I’m here, so I can stop you from doing anything stupid?”
Sandy took her phone out and logged into her school’s website. She went to the records and found the dreaded singko. It was the first failed grade she’d ever gotten. She thought she’d be devastated. Instead, a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.
“I failed, and I don’t even care. I expected it.”
“Nothing should make you feel like killing yourself is the solution.”
Sandy nodded. It was not easy to stay alive after all those years of suicidal ideation. She didn’t even think she’d reach adulthood. But now, sitting in the garden far from home, she was glad to be alive.
Sandy finally decided to call her parents early in the morning on Wednesday. It was time for her to take control of her life. She’d been living according to what she thought people expected of her for too long.
Kat and Zack woke up early to accompany her. However, they both fell asleep on the couch while waiting, and Sandy didn’t have the heart to wake them up, especially with Ben sprawled across their laps.
Sandy told her mother everything, emphasizing how much she hated the person she’d become and how much she hated her life while in college. She didn’t tell her how close she was to jumping off the balcony; she didn’t have to hear that.
“I’m just glad you’re okay. I had no idea how much you hated college, ’nak. You could’ve told me. I just want you to be happy, okay? Take a break. Stay as long as you need there. I’ll support you with whatever path you choose as long as you’re happy and healthy. I love you so much.”
“Seriously? You’re not mad?”
“I’m mad you left without telling us. I’ll send you money, so you’re not deadweight to your cousin.”
“Ma, I still have some money. Please don’t waste more money on me.”
“Anak, money spent on you is never wasted. I know your cousin’s a millionaire, but I am not letting my only child venture out without money.”
Sandy had been crying too much recently; it was getting annoying. But she was here, alive and loved. How could she not be grateful?
If you or anyone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts and other mental health problems, know that you are not alone. Help is available.
