Hook
"Labu labubu labu," stated Warren Labubuffett as customers queued up for a hit of sugar and caffeine. "Labububu la bu."
His human handler and drink jockey, Buckley, nodded. "I'll make sure to pay extra attention today," he said, lowering his voice so only Warren could hear. He always spoke quietly to Warren when his colleagues were on shift, and this was no exception.
Satisfied by Buckley's commitment, Warren stared at the patrons from his perch behind a sheet of plexiglass. There were so many humans, which made sense given that he was on Earth, but his eyes kept focusing on one that appeared male. Warren couldn't see very well through the scratched acrylic, but it was clear that his large frame and even larger muscles could carry a whole pallet of unopened Labubu-birthing boxes.
Something about the male called to Warren like a salted cream cheese topping on an ice-cold Vietnamese coffee.
"That big guy's probably going to order a Viet coffee with salted cream cheese," whispered Buckley.
"La bu," Warren agreed. "Labu, labu bu."
Buckley grinned and returned to filling orders, his movements smooth and practiced like a professional dancer. He was such a good human to bond with. Warren smiled toothily - not that he could do anything but smile, since his rubber face was set into a permanent shape at reincarnation.
As the male customer finally approached the counter, Warren marvelled at the specimen's utter wideness. His broad shoulders could probably fit three Labubus on each side. "La bu," Warren whispered in awe.
"Can I get, uh, like, a Viet coffee? But like, with boba?" The male pressed his lips together in thought.
Buckley punched in the order. "Size?"
"Right, uh, medium size. Oh yeah, and could you make it with zero sugar, half ice?" He scratched the back of his head bashfully, making his pecs and biceps flex. "Sorry. It's just been a while since I've been to a boba shop."
Buckley nodded. "No problem. Did you want the regular honey boba or the sugarfree stuff?"
The customer's eyebrows climbed near his hairline. "You guys have sugarfree? Uh…" He squinted and counted something off with his fingers. "Regular boba is fine."
"Sure thing. Anything else?"
The customer stared at the menu as if selecting a second topping could mean life or death. Warren stared at the customer, but since his eyes were molded open, the customer did not notice.
"Anything else?" prompted Buckley again.
"Oh, sorry," said the customer. "Can you add a salted cream cheese topping?"
"Sure." The drink jockey grinned. "Is that all?"
"Yeah." The customer dooted his phone on the point-of-service machine to pay.
Buckley handed the receipt to the guy and stuck the order sticker onto a plastic cup. "Name?"
"Bu."
Warren's fuzz follicles tingled at the sound of the male's name - it had to be a divine sign from Labubuddha. Why else would he be so instinctively drawn to Bu?
"Interesting name," murmured Buckley as he passed by. "And I was right about his drink."
"Bu," agreed Warren.
Buckley signaled another employee to take over the cashier counter and began mixing Bu's drink. "Do you want me to spike this guy's drink or nah?"
"La bu. Labububu."
"Yeah? How does double-lactose cheese with portal powder sound?"
"La bu."
"Got it." Buckley scooped a ladle of tapioca pearls into the plastic cup with Bu's label, then added some ice. "You think he's a good candidate for whatever grand scheme you've been planning?"
Warren merely smiled.
Bu sat on a chair in the corner of the boba shop and looked around. The decor at Labuboba Tea was all Labubu-themed and everything on the menu was sugary, so it wasn't the kind of place he'd normally frequent. But his little sister had recommended him to try the place - she'd nagged for weeks, if he was being honest - and he hadn't shaken his skepticism just yet. For all he knew, his sister might've just liked the place for the weird, mildly-creepy plushies.
The creepiest of the plushies was the one sitting on the counter, behind a clear acrylic sheet that separated the workers from the patrons. Even though Labubu dolls had fixed eyes, something about that particular one made him feel watched. Observed. Like somehow the thing was tracking his movements.
He knew it was ridiculous, but he felt like prey.
But his drink was still being made, so he couldn't just leave. Not when he'd already paid for it. And especially not when he'd gotten a sudden, violent craving for salted cream cheese, something that he almost never added to his orders.
So he waited.
Bu's phone dinged in his pocket. He figured it was his sister, so he ignored it.
But then it dinged again.
And again.
Sighing, Bu checked his notifications.
Butthead: Are you finally at Labuboba????
Butthead: Did you try the Viet coffee like I told you to??
Butthead: Stop ignoring me, buttface.
Bu swiped his sister's texts off the screen and silenced his phone. He was planning to tell her all about how creepy the Labubu on the counter was, but not while he was here. Not while it was staring at him with that wide, toothy smile.
He'd give the drink a fair chance, of course - he didn't want to write this place off based on vibes alone - but he didn't expect to return even if it was good. Tapioca pearl drinks were no good for bulking, after all.
Bu impatiently ran his fingers through his thick black hair, making it stick out in all different directions. The slight wavy texture only made it messier, but he hardly noticed. All he wanted was to get his coffee and get out of there.
"Order for Bu!" called the guy who took Bu's order. "Bu!"
Bu jumped to his feet and snatched his coffee off the pickup counter. The Labubu behind the clear barrier grinned at him like the freak that it was.
"La bu."
He flinched at the familiar voice, then glanced at the doll warily. It sounded like the kind of voice that haunted his ears every time his sister played a Labubu song in the car.
"Stop being so paranoid," Bu said to himself. "Just grab a straw and go."
Bu grabbed a drinking tube and punched it through the hole at the top of the cap as he walked towards the exit. He didn't have a reason to remain in the creepy cafe any longer; he could enjoy his coffee in his car or at home.
But before his hand touched the door, something compelled him to take a sip.
And Goddess of Mercy! After the little smack of salted cream cheese topping from the insertion of his sucking tool, the robust flavor of Robusta beans assaulted his senses in the most delicious way possible. The sweet boba complemented the nuttiness of the coffee, with just a hint of dairy goodness to soften the boldness of the beans.
Bu moaned into his straw. He'd never tasted coffee this good before. His sister's obsession with this place finally made sense; he didn't really care to leave the establishment even if the doll behind the counter was creepy as heck.
If I were a regular coffee drinker, I'd probably sell my soul for this stuff.
His chest clenched as those thoughts passed through him, and he shook his head. How could he think of selling his soul for a cup of fancy coffee? Ridiculous.
The condensation on the cup gathered at his fingers pulling him out of his head. His craving for salted cream cheese intensified over the last few minutes, and it was finally time to give in.
Bu jogged back to the pickup counter and grabbed a plastic spoon. He popped open the cover of his drink and scooped the cheese into his mouth. When the cream cheese touched his tongue, he nearly creamed himself.
This. This was what he was missing from his life. Heck, this was the meaning of life.
He shoveled the salted topping into his gaping face hole, moaning indecently in front of everybody and their Labubus. But he didn't care how weird he looked. He didn't care if people were staring. All he cared about was getting everything in his mouth as fast as possible.
Bu was a bit disappointed when the cheese was all gone, but he still had some coffee and tapioca pearls. He slurped them up with the enthusiasm of an actor on the set of a dirty movie, only stopping when the cup was empty.
That was so good. I should give credit where credit is due.
He unlocked his phone and opened his sister's texts, reading over the new ones he'd just missed.
Butthead: Oh yea, their eggettes and peanut butter milk waffles are pretty decent, too.
Butthead: You should try them if you're not still on that crazy diet.
Bu grinned as he texted back.
Bu: Maybe next time. But yea the coffee was really good.
Butthead: See??? I told you!!
Bu: I don't know if I wanna come back, though. Their Labubu decorations creep me out.
Butthead: Then just get a drink and leave. Nobody says you have to STAY there, you know.
Bu: I guess.
Bu's stomach suddenly began to gurgle.
Oh, no.
He clutched his abdomen as pain shot through his intestines. Panic clawed through his body and towards his sphincter as he realized he'd forgotten to take a lactase supplement before consuming all that cheese.
Clenching his buttcheeks together, he waddled to the cashier counter as fast as he could. "Excuse me!"
"Yes?" The guy on the other side looked unimpressed by the interruption.
"Is there a bathroom I can borrow?"
He shook his head. "Sorry, employees only."
"Please?" Desperation took hold of Bu's tongue, and words spilled from his mouth. "I'm lactose intolerant and I'm about to shit my pants."
