Chapter 1
Chapter 1
The train whistle blew several times, alerting the throng of men at the station it was time to board.Saying goodbye to their families was not easy.
“Jeanette, I wish I wasn’t going, but you know this makes sense.I’ll send money as soon as I can.My year away will go by quickly, and I’ll be back before you know it.”
“Even though we talked about this, Will, reality has hit me.I’m scared for us and worried about you.Be careful.Come back to us.”
Their youngest son, Tommy, pleaded, “Dad, please don’t go.Can’t we figure out something else?”
“Tommy, with me working, I’ll send money home, and while I’m away, you won’t have my big fat mouth to feed.That’ll be more food for you and your brother.“Will knelt down, gave both his sons a hug, then pulled his eldest son aside.
“Billy, I need you to grow up fast.Your mother will need help, and your brother is too young.While I’m gone, you’re the ‘man of the house’, and I’m counting on you to earn money to help out the family.Can you do that for me?”
“I’ll try my hardest to make you proud, Dad.”
They hugged again, then Will looked at Jeanette with watering eyes to see her in tears as they embraced one last time.She and the boys watched him step through a cloud of engine steam, then disappear aboard the train.The three of them were left with little money and living in a one room flat.The new, “man of the house”, was only eleven years old.
The Depression was more than a gut punch.It was draining the very lifeblood out of the country.Thirty per cent of the workforce was unemployed.Banks were failing.Main streets of Philadelphia, once filled with bustling shoppers, were now crowded with unemployed men in soup kitchen lines.The once rich productive lands of the Midwest breadbasket were in drought for ten years.The land was a desolate windswept plain of dust.
William Robinson, or Will, was a mason by trade who always had work in the boom time of the “roaring 20s”, so his family enjoyed a comfortable life of working-class Americans.The Depression changed all that.New construction came to a halt; buildings were abandoned with tools and building materials left on the job sites.Slowly, other buildings became vacant then fell into disrepair.There was no money to build or repair anything, and Will had no work.
The President Roosevelt administration established the ‘Civilian Conservation Corps’ (CCC) in 1933.It was a work program for single men to work on conserving the country’s natural resources in areas that became national parks.Will didn’t want to abandon his family, but this was an opportunity to have one less mouth to feed at home.His food and shelter would be provided wherever he worked, and the CCC would pay him thirty dollars a month, which he could mostly send home.The CCC wanted single men no older than age twenty-eight.Will was age thirty-two but claimed he was twenty-eight and single.The local recruiter had a hiring quota to make and needed masons.He was going to Idaho.
Will worked up until the last six months, but since then, the Robinsons lived off savings, which were now gone.The day Will left, Jeanette went knocking on doors with her sons to take in laundry, ironing, and sewing work.The boys needed to get to know their new neighborhood, look after their mom, and provide a “sympathy factor” to help get business.After the first week of their sales effort, Jeanette got a few customers.She was using the washing machine their landlord kindly allowed and made about five dollars the first week.
The amount of food at meals was reduced even before Father left.No second helpings, no desserts, and leftovers were turned into soups.Will made it to Idaho but hadn’t yet got a pay check.Two growing boys had good appetites, and there wasn’t enough money to satisfy them.
Billy Robinson was just eleven years old and didn’t understand what a depression was, how it occurred, or what it meant.He clearly understood they’d moved from a nice ground floor apartment to a single room on the third floor of a three-story home, yet they had it better than many.Earning money to help his mother, and look after his nine-year old brother, Thomas, or ‘Tommy’, was a priority.Billy would soon find out what being the, “man of the house”, meant.
The new young provider took on anything that could get him money or food.He ran errands, shined shoes, swept out anything anybody wanted, collected bottles to return, and scavenged construction sites and vacant homes for any tools or materials of value.Tommy came with him sometimes, but more often stayed back helping his mom.
Billy’s most lucrative effort was finding tools and materials at abandoned building sites.Few people could afford to buy new lumber, piping, or any new building material for that matter.Whatever he found was sold at whatever price he could get.It was all profit for him.
Soon the building sites were picked clean, as he wasn’t the only one scooping up material from them.He found abandoned homes had much less competition, yet as much opportunity.Any one house might not have much scrap material, but he could visit about five homes a day.This still left him time to get to the bus depot to sell a few shoeshines.Billy’s efforts were making a difference, as he was kicking in about seven dollars a week to the family.They could eat a little better now.
He’d been in most of the empty homes in the area, except one.Across the street about a block east sat perhaps the largest home in the neighborhood.It sat back from the road quite a bit further than most houses.The drive was covered with overgrown bushes and shrubs, but no path leading through the brush to the house.If ever there had been a path across the lawn, that too was gone.The house could still be seen clearly; a grey wooden structure rising a full three storeys high.
The first floor was elevated with steps leading from the ground up to an expansive porch across the entire front of the house.Large Georgian windows looked out on to the porch on both sides of the double door in the center.The same style windows ran all across the second floor.Bordering each window were wooden shutters hung at angles held only by a single nail or screw.The third floor was mostly roof but had two large dormers protruding from it.The dormers created an eerie look, like eyes watching everything in front of the house.At each side of the house were windowless round towers that extended upward the full height of the house to the third floor, then capped with cone shaped black slate roofs.
With the daunting look of the house, nobody had yet gone “shopping” there, and Billy thought it was time somebody did.He picked a way through the brush while trying to leave an opening for an easy return to the street.At the front steps, he paused, then went up to the double door and looked around.On the left side of the door hung a hand carved wooden sign inscribed with; “Trikala, 6000 BC”.To the right of door, attached to the wall, was a small carving of an instrument, a lyre.
For some reason Billy wasn’t scared or nervous, as he had entered many abandoned homes without incident.Why should this one be any different?As always though, he knocked on the door, just to be sure it was empty, and as always, nobody answered, and as always, the door was unlocked, so in he went.









What worked well
Emotional Hook: The opening scene is excellent. Will's goodbye to his family, especially the moment he makes Billy the "man of the house," is powerful and immediately makes me root for them. You show the stakes (survival) and the cost (separation) very clearly.
Historical Setting: You've done a great job weaving in the context of the Great Depression. It doesn't feel like a textbook paragraph; it feels like the harsh reality pressing down on this specific family. The details about the breadbasket turning to dust and the abandoned buildings feel authentic.
Clear Premise: By the end of the chapter, I know exactly what the story is about: a boy, too young for the burden, trying to keep his family afloat during the hardest of times, and his discovery of a mysterious house that might change everything. That's a compelling logline!
Character and Emotion
Will and Jeanette: Their pain feels real. Their dialogue at the station is full of love and fear, which is perfect.
A tiny suggestion: maybe show us a single, specific memory Billy has of his father before things got bad, like him working with his tools or laughing at the dinner table. This would deepen the sense of loss.
Billy: His determination is your biggest asset. I see him step up, and I believe it. The issue of agency is handled well; he's not passive; he's actively scrounging and selling. To strengthen his character arc, we might need a bit more of his internal struggle. What does he feel about giving up his childhood? Is he angry, scared, or proud? A line or two of his thoughts when he's alone would add layers. For example, when he sees other boys playing, what goes through his mind?
Tommy: He feels a little vague compared to Billy. His plea at the station is great, but afterwards, he fades into "helped his mom." Giving him one small, specific action or desire (maybe he collects a particular thing or is afraid of something specific in the neighborhood) would make him more three-dimensional.
World-Building and Clarity
The CCC Explanation: This part, while important, reads a bit like an info dump. It pauses the forward momentum. Could this information be woven into Will's thoughts as he packs, or into a tense conversation with Jeanette? For example, "It's for single men under twenty-eight," Will said, avoiding her eyes. "I'll tell them I'm twenty-eight. The recruiter needs masons... he won't look too close. " This keeps it in the scene.
The House "Show, Don't Tell": Your description of the house is wonderfully creepy and vivid! The "eerie eyes" of the dormers is a fantastic image. The sign "Trikala, 6000 BC" and the lyre are intriguing mysteries that made me want to turn the page. This is a major highlight.
Pacing and Flow
The Middle Section: The paragraph about the Depression and the CCC and the next one detailing their daily struggles (laundry, food) felt like the pace slowed down a bit. The information is crucial, but the presentation is very factual. To keep the engagement high, try to anchor every piece of information in Billy's physical experience. Instead of "The amount of food at meals was reduced," try "Billy's stomach growled through the night now." Even before Pa left, the stew had more water than meat, and Ma's 'no seconds' rule felt like a permanent knot in his belly."
The Transition to the House: The flow from Billy's daily routine to him targeting the specific house is good. It feels like a natural progression of his scavenging "business." Well done.
Dialogue and "Showing"
The family's dialogue is strong and feels true to the era and their situation.
Opportunity to "Show" More: Look for spots where you tell us a feeling that could be shown. Example: "She and the boys watched him step through a cloud of engine steam, then disappear aboard the train. The three of them were left with little money..." This is good. To amplify it, you could add a small, telling action: "Jeanette didn't wave. Her hands stayed gripped on Tommy's and Billy's shoulders until long after the train was out of sight." The action shows her feeling of being "left."
Logic and Plot Questions
Billy's Fearlessness: You mention Billy isn't scared of the house, which is fine for his character. But to make it more believable, consider giving a reason for his boldness. Has he become so hardened by necessity that fear is a luxury? Or does the house, for some strange reason, feel inviting to him? A single line of his internal reaction would seal this.
The Sign and Lyre: These are fantastic, mysterious details. Just make sure you have an idea of what they mean for the future plot! As a reader, I'm already theorizing, which is exactly what you want.
Tone and Immersion
The tone is consistent, grimy, hopeful, and historical with a touch of looming mystery. It works.
To increase immersion, lean into the senses a bit more, especially with Billy's scavenging. The smell of damp plaster in an empty house, the gritty feel of coal dust on a "found" pipe, and the hollow sound of his footsteps in an empty room. You do this well with the house's visual description; applying it elsewhere will pull us even deeper into Billy's world.
The prose is clear and easy to read. Great job on clarity.