Chapter 1
I went into the bathroom and closed the door behind me.
My breaths all slow but something in my head hurts. It was a warm pain. The ache so much I still could hear her voice yelling at me for a far but in reality there was no shouting. It was quite. But the only thing I could see was a vermillion red. The haze in my eyes all black and blue and vermillion red. It subsided as I open my eyes and saw to my left. There it was the mirror I love. I made it myself and adore it with pretty flower just to look myself into it as the sunlight filter though the translucent window can make me ethereal. I yearned for a kiss just like the sun kissed my cheek. It was not much to ask.
My hand went to the drawer.
It was beside the mirror where I stood looking at myself. My eyes so dull and my skin all clear but also not. It made me want to trace it. Each and every facial feature. I wanted to curve it with a top of something sharp. I want to curve my cheeks out with a knife and put them aside and then look at the hollows left behind. But I couldn't. I could just see myself in the mirror all dull. The eyes so dull. I hate how my mother makes my shine go away the instant it start to spark again. I grab a tube. The tube of red lipstick. I opened it. It had happy memories connected to it. I brought it cause the color was vermillion red. The color my mother hates but I loved.
I take it in my hand. The red tube, and put the rip it under my eyes. The lipstick glide easily on my skin and for the first time making me feel like I have a clear skin. My cheeks so big. I want to get rid of them. I pull the red line down and down as I make a circle where my cheeks are. The red circular outline my face. Making me have a red face. I did the same thing on the other side. Making a circular shape on both side of my face just like I want to always make it but with a knife blade.
I look under my eyes the shape there was a bit off but it looked good. I had made the undereyes’s shape on the circle flat with a little edge or spike on the corners where my eyes end around my nose. The whole face look so bloated before looked a little less now. The eyes still uncanny but not so much as the marks on the face. I picked up the makeup brush from my brush stand In another cupboard and started to blend the lines in. The red lines blend so easily. The color so vibrant and glossy so perfectly blend in my olive skin making it all warm hue. I close my eyes and opened them again. One second there were lines and now a red face. Tomato was all I can think I looked like. I was even wearing a green top to match with the whole vegetable aesthetic. How cute.
I walked towards the other mirror above the sink to look myself clearly. The whole face not so red but also not so my skin either. I do look sick. I watch my eyes. Still dull then I thought of going outside with this face and scaring my mother but would she even care or will she say I'm a psychopath again. I don't know. I don't care. I walked back to my other mirror, where I was standing before, and looked in my eyes then I pull out the powder from the same compartment where I took out my lipstick from. The powder my favorite cosmetic product but the only problem was it was too light for my skin but I still wore it cause it hid my darkness and gave it a filtery look and also because the lady at the store said it looked good on me, but I was naive enough to fall for her words. I open it. Took the sponge in it and take a lot of product on it then I started to swipe it under my eyes. And then…my eyes looked good? I started to swipe it on my under cheek. Right under the hallow of my cheeks. Then I started to put it on my nose and between my eyebrows and then my forehead and then my eyes and I looked in the mirror again. I do look like those glam beauty models who's faces are all snatched and clear and so spotless yet so makeup-y. I looked eyes to eye in the mirror with myself. The only part which looked like me but still so dull yet so free. I smiled to watch how I look and I saw my eyes curl yet still dull. I walked to the sink and watched the mirror above it. Yeah I do look horrible. But horrible was better than looking dead. I walked back to the small mirror and this time took out the lipgloss another one of my favorite makeup products.I use it everyday. I put it on my lips and watch how it turn into a color I never wore yet loved. It had mixed with the powder making it look like a bit of like a concealer and the lipstick also mixed itself with it but the gloss, which color was pink, didn't stop to make itself appear with color on my lips unlike me.
I watch the color liking it. Smiling. This could be the next me, the makeup and all, but unfortunately the hands and the face color didn't match at all. I walked back to the big mirror and looked at myself. I like it but would people accept me for me?
I lowered my head. Turn the sink on and squeezed some face wash on my hand and rubbed it in my face. My cheeks. My lips. My forehead. My eyes. All smears itself on my face but after rubbing I washed it off and looked back in the mirror.
It's the same me. Same old me with the green top and a full face of skin and no product but it shined a bit now maybe because it's proud to do something she liked after so long and not what others want her to do.The smiled was fleeting. It wiped away as the towel wiped away the drop let's on my face. The hotness which was on my face before was also gone but the heaviness of something bad awaiting outside the washroom door was still there. But I am strong now after years of crying in this washroom. I am not so scared of her that much anymore. I unlocked the door and went outside….
