What is your opinion?
A great start to a new series
"This story has an interesting world with a diverse cast of characters and personalities. I especially like the dynamic between Demeter and Ayla. Demeter is an earnest moral character, while Ayla seems to hide her true nature with humor and wit. Looking forward to seeing what happens next and how Demeter and Odium will clash. The only gripe I had was that some of the background explanations ran a bit long and slowed down the pacing of the story. But all in all, it's a great start to a new series."
A Recommended Read
"This novel is in its early stages but even after five chapters the characters and events have drawn me in and the story has me hooked. It’s hard to resist. I can’t wait to see how it’s going to develop. The world the author creates is very real and easy to visualise, the characters are intriguing and sometimes mysterious and there are many subtly crafted hooks."
Honest reveiw
"I think a few people were a bit harsh on giving such a low score on the grammar and punctuation's. In fact in this work entirely only a few stood out where I left feedback. The Author shows a professional level of writing and plot device that becomes evident as the story progresses. The amount of detail put into every little thing adds a sense of realism to the world that most new fantasy writers tend to neglect. There were a few moments where the author was too caught up in explaining every detail that it felt tedious at times. An example were the guards in the grove to the archbishops abode. It was interesting to learn of their capabilities but felt made the pacing feel a little clunky and irrelevant to the rest of the story. Just a personal nitpick of mine, the rest felt balanced and flowed effectively. Towards the end of the book it seems to pick up a bit and truly captivate the reader. The author has talent in this genre and it truly shows. Considering my feedback given via email at your leisure. I wish you all the best in your work, Benjamin Rosen"
Great Book!
"I have rarely read a book that draws me in more. You have a fabulous start and I love your plot. It may be just me, but I would prefer it if your book has a bit more dialogue. It would make your book more interesting. Otherwise, your book is amazing and it is written very well! Well done! -Ellie"
An honest writer
"A fabulous start to what will be a very promising tale. Jonathan has an honesty he uses while he writes which keeps harsh truths accurate. I especially love his use of imagery. He isn't just writing about a world- he is building it from ground up with careful detail. There are quite a few technical errors but I know this is by no means a finishes draft. Grammar can be fixed. He has such natural ability that I'm not too concerned with that. I would, in the future, like to see more in-depth character development. There is such a strong cast here and I would like to see their interactions slowed down a bit with some added internal prose. And as I mentioned in my comments, Jonathan- please be consistent with your narrative perspective. You have powerful themes here and a distinct style. I can't wait to read more and watch this promising tale of oppressive faith continue!"
Just.... Wow
"I am totally in love with the setting of this story. I love the way it's written, how you really feel like one of the people in the crowd, staring up at the three men who stood there with such power. I'm also already in love with Demeter, his heart is in the right place, I have no doubts about that. I don't like Odium tho, just saying. He seemed to have a stick up his ass the entire time. I really like how you've made these characters and how you showed so much of them in such a interesting way, and that in the first chapter! Amazing. I've only noticed a few errors that a quick read through could easily fix, nothing too mayor that disturbed my reading experience ;) also, don't be afraid to use 'said' often. It might seem like a word that can easily be overwelmingly used, but this is an exception. Using 'said' or 'say' when someone speaks is obvious, and most of the time I personally (and I think others do too) read over it but it's not like I'm annoyed by the overuse. This way, when something is, for example; yelled, whispered, mumbled, etc. it has a bigger impact on the story, and can be used to give a cleared image of what a character is feeling while saying certain lines. I hope it's clear what I'm trying to say... I'm so bad at explaining sometimes. it all made sense in my head... Overall I love the beginning of this story. I can already see it has great potential and a definite chance of success. You have all the elements to pull the reader in already set out in the first chapter, I can't imagen how great the second chapter could be, or the next, or the one after that. This story has so much potential, so much room to grow into an epic fantasy novel. Just the way that it is written, the way the story flows, the way the scene is described, how can you not fall in love with a story like this at first sight? Keep writing, keep being amazing! Good luck on this journey!"
A winner! :)
"My only advice is to bookmark either www.grammarcheck.net or www.online-spellcheck.com. They help me. :)"
A great start to a potential series
"We already have established characters at the start of the story, although they still have much room to be built upon. While one such character seems odious, it fits with how people of his stature were seen as during the time period akin to our own olden ages. I am eager to see what comes next, as characters like Demeter and Odium look like the kind whose moralities, although opposing, would cause them both to be at each other's necks during very 'weighty' situations when choices have to be made. Both want to act for their own perceptions of good, but which one is right and which one is wrong?"
Stunning Work
"I honestly really enjoyed this book and the world you have created. The choice of words you use really gets the reader sucked into your realm of characters. Demeter is a well-made character overall and you really get to know his character as well as others. It's almost as if they are real people and we are reading about their journey. You also made sure to keep readers wanting more and wondering about a lot of things to keep us hooked. Grammar was honestly not a huge issue for me, but a quick read through can easily fix that. There were a few run-on sentences and some sentences that you wrote and a few bland sentences. If you went back and tried to add a bit more to the simple sentences that would be a big game-changer. You're already great at really giving the readers enough detail for them to truly imagine the world you have created which I really enjoyed. The plot of your story was great in my opinion. I can't wait to know more about Isabelle and a few other characters to help the overall plot become even better. Your story is coming together quite nicely and you really know how to keep readers wanting more. Especially with those cliffhangers. I really enjoy your writing style and I think this will be a book I continue to look back to. Definitely would recommend to other writers and readers for inspiration and joy."
Intriguing story and Strong characters pulled me in
"I don't normally read a lot of high fantasy. However, this story instantly pulled me in by creating characters I cared about and about whom I wanted to know more. The setting and the narrative that followed were always interesting, deviously intricate, and loaded with subtext. I loved some of the playful interactions between certain characters. The pace of the plot was well done, with reveals at exactly the right time to keep the reader going. The author does a nice job of setting up characters who are parallel to each other (I'll stop there so no spoilers). The ability to create characters and narrative that engage, intrigue, and satisfy the reader is not to be underrated. It is perhaps the hardest skill to learn as a writer, and jdelacuso has a natural flair for this sort of thing. I felt like I was living inside his story. I loved the hints of potential romance and the journey aspect of the narrative--more of that, please! Even the characters' names have meaning in this story! As such, I was engaged throughout and enjoyed this read. I highly recommend this partial novel (I read to Chapter 11, as it's unfinished). It has a lot of promise. There are some areas where the prose is quite elegant, simple, and fun to read. With an edit for filters, adverbs, etc., this will be a strong work that should take its place among other enjoyable high fantasies. I also have no doubt the author will provide a brilliant ending, which I look forward to reading.,"
Fantastic Start
"The story is wonderful to say the least.. I think you have a great idea on your hands that can develop into something amazing when this book is finished. The scenery is fantastic. When you describe the various scenes, your chapters are filled with vivid detail. Well done with that. I could place myself in the book itself and that is rare for me to find when reviewing novels. The characters are extremely intriguing as well. They are what pull the reader in more so than the plot in the beginning. There are a lot of good elements in this novel. They feel a bit scattered, but pulling them together is the fun part. Great detail, imagery could use some work. Intriguing characters, excited to see the growth throughout the novel. Some dropped terms that have kept me reading in an attempt of find out more, great sense of keeping the mystery alive. All good things. And now on to why I rated this a 4. The detail is well described but, one thing I caution, going overboard with the detail. I understand that what you see is what you want to show to the reader and it is very easy to get lost describing in detail what you see in your mind. A good example of this is chapter 2. The majority of chapter 2 feels as if it is detail surrounding the Sondeliers. It drags on a bit, and then the chapter ends with Odium and company arriving. You could get rid of the chapter completely and split the detail up in Chapter 3. Gives something more for the reader to soak up in a chapter instead of 80% detail and 20% conversation. Or perhaps something of interest to happen in Chapter 2. That could also add to your plot perhaps? Chapter 4... great divide of detail and activity. Take that and apply to chapter 2. Fantastic divide between detail and action.. I enjoyed going back and forth, learning about a character and then reading them react or act. Loved. If felt as if things were flowing and I wasn't stuck reading continuously about one thing. Following with chapter 4, this is more something I was thinking about, I noticed Harold speaks with the chef and they have a small interaction. The chef isn't mentioned in the future. What is the purpose of the interaction? Does it come up later? Does Odium ask about the chef? How do all of the pieces connect? Is it all simply to show how much of a flurry of activity there is in the castle before Odium's arrival? If so, that's great, but I was curious if there was a deeper purpose to all of the character's interactions, even the small ones like the chef, and how they propelled the story forward. In chapter 5, when the archbishop is eating and praising Antonio, a small sentence or paragraph noting a subtle interaction between Antonio and Harold would bring their interaction full circle as an example. Kind of one of those, those two know something the archbishop doesn't. Foreshadowing!!!! A good novel easily changes to a great novel with some foreshadowing!!! Demeter is shaping up to be a character I will enjoy watching develop from start to finish. I cannot wait to see how he turns out through character growth. This is more a thought... In chapter 3, Demeter walks in front of the captive... would it be wiser to consider the captive walking in front of him? So he could see if she tries anything? Also you wrote, "He would just try to avoid..." Would ... "He tried to avoid..." work better? Kind of getting more to the point of the statement? I think this is a personal preference honestly though. It depends on how you feel when you read what you wrote, but I thought I would offer it up as a suggestion! When Demeter went into the cell to help the prisoner with the broken arm, what was the woman feeling during the moment? Why didn't she try to escape? What kept her there? Personally, I would've tried to make a break for it, or tried something, if left alone for too long. What keeps her from doing anything mischievous? Following up with this... I want to know more about Ayla. You've left me intrigued. She seems odd and thus far, anything with regards to her countenance is surface level at most. I can't wait to see her depth and what her purpose in the story is to be. And Isabella!! I must know more about her as well! Another intriguing character you've introduced. I enjoyed how, from the start, she stood out. I hope to see more of her and to understand a little bit of what she wants out of the life she current leads. I understand her want for the decree, but is it solely a want based off of what she was taught? Or did she experience something at a young age? I'm not sure, but I am excited to find out more. Grammar. Grammar. Grammar. haha. An easy thing to work through after going through another read through and I'm pretty sure every author has a problem with it. In your writing,. I spotted some missing commas, periods, etc. But it will get there. Watch using extra words to lengthen sentences. Ex. Very. "It was very rare." Stating "It was rare" has the same effect of emphasizing how rare something is in my mind. I feel very isn't needed. I noticed a few run on sentences and found myself wondering when a sentence would end. In chapter 4, there was a small paragraph that was only one sentence for example. Easily fixable. It didn't happen often and a quick read through will help you find them. Adding a few periods here and there will fix the concern giving the reader a variety of sentences to read and keep them moving. Watch the word as. You use it a lot. "When" or "while" could be used to replace it, or a multitude of others, if as is being used in a sentence more than once. I noticed this happens a few times. Again, grammar and adjusting words, easy thing to adjust. And a read through will help you see these things. In chapter 5, I think this is a good example of you telling me rather than showing me... "Odium brought his hand to his chin and began to think intently." I want you to show me he is thinking. "Bringing an age ridden hand to his chin, Odium's eyes glazed over momentarily." What do you think? Perhaps, something to keep an eye out for? Small note, the interaction between him and Isabella following this sentence is a little awkward. Clean it up a bit and I think it will smooth better. Isabella said and laughed, her voice sounding like the chiming of bells... this could be altered to say, "... Isabella said and laughed, the chiming of bells emitting from her luscious lips." Opinion?? In chapter 6... there is a bit of a conflict in character. Where Odium asks, "this early?" And Isabella explains she just wanted to see him just because... Instead of exasperation or even a sigh to indicate this could possibly be something he experiences often, it goes straight in to "Of course, come in"... Adding emotion would be helpful here I think. Wine in the morning!!! Love it!!! Monotone = monotonous. --> Chapter 6 Overall... It is really good. I loved how chapter 6 ended. I love the beginning pieces of the plot start pulling themselves together and how the characters are starting to relate to each other. I gave the novel an overall rating of 4 because I know this is the beginning. The plot isn't yet established, but it exists. I want to know more about how it started, how did the war go without the help of the Drakken and how are things going to go now with the characters having been introduced? What are their personal objectives? I am excited to read more and this is why I rated the story a 4. It is raw, but it is good. A lot of potential and it's been added to my reading list. (1 of 2 I'll have you know) And I can't wait to read more! Keep working and keep up the good work! I am excited to see where this goes for you and how the novel will come to fruition. Great work so far. P.S. This is not my final review!!!! ;)"
