Preface
Hell was home to thousands of demons, tens of thousands. A cauldron of sin, the realms were stacked one upon the other, each darker and more sinister than the one above. It was everything humans feared and more. Oppressive and dirty, the halls twisted around in an eternity of circles, trapping souls in an endless search for light. There was no time to mark and no end to crave. And there was screaming. So much screaming. The primal sound of a soul in agony was something humans would never comprehend. If they knew what awaited them in Hell they would wish for eternal nothingness. The fear of losing themselves in death was insignificant to the horror of eternity spent down below.
Melloch, the fifth angel to fall, existed in the realm closest to the surface. Often referred to as the Gatekeeper, he was charged with keeping order and ensuring Hell’s soldiers were always ready to fight. But since the great battle between Heaven and Hell the legions had been dormant and Melloch was bored. While they waited for orders, his only responsibility was to take the armies up to feed, and to wait. As an alchemist he was able to affect the chemical components of things, including his soldiers. Over the centuries he had learned that human bodies had a certain number of organs all tasked with keeping it alive and while the workings of a living body amused him, the only organ that really interested him was the liver. It was the only one with the remarkable ability to regenerate itself. In the body a human liver could be cut down to a quarter of its size and still completely regenerate. It was a feat Melloch had eventually learned to replicate within the bodies of his soldiers, so that when they consumed fresh human livers, a chemical process would immediately trigger the renewal of their demon cells. That was how Melloch had single-handedly bestowed upon his demon warriors eternal life. The delectable irony was that when the time came to carry out his plan, it would be the human’s own physicality that ensured their slavery. It was an ideology that never failed to charm him. It was so devilishly clever.
Pre-warning I find my feedback for peoples first chapters often comes off as hypercritical as I am not engrossed in the story yet. So, if my feedback becomes less detailed over the course of your chapters it's likely because I am enjoying the read. But chapter one let’s get into it. In the blurb you can probably remove the “But” at the beginning of the sentence “But when the hunt leads…” and it will still flow just fine. Other than that, it’s got a good hook and makes the reader want to know more. The last statement in the opening paragraph kind of gives me the chills right off the bat but in a good way. It’s very different to state that the main character is dead at the start of the book. The only problem with this is later in the chapter you say “But this time it might just save his life.” But he’s dead so what’s the big deal? Unless he’s only dead emotionally or something, though he seems to have a good range of emotions going. The scene leading up to the farmhouse is well written and paints a good picture of what is going on. It’s natural to second-guess a dangerous decision especially one that entails you killing someone. However, it comes off as redundant as he does this over and over in paragraph 3,5,6, 7 and 8. It’s a bit overkill. Try and find another way to show he is apprehensive about his plan or lack thereof. It is nice to see a story that avoids the chapter one pitfall of info dumping. Instead, you provide enough back story in bits and pieces for the reader to know who this guy is and get a glimpse at his tortured existence while making us want to know more about him and what is really going on. The fight scene with the wolf is good though it's hard to believe that he wouldn’t have known it was a wolf from the get-go, It also seems like you are going back and forth between 3rd person limited and 3rd person omniscient. Specifically, the statement “Shocked by his presence the man on the stairs froze and stared at him with wild eyes. “Its you…” If its 3rd limited then we should not know this man was shocked. We can assume he is or say he looked shocked. Then it goes back to feeling very 3rd limited when the fight with the wolf happens because you are deliberately limiting the information to the reader. If its Omniscient when Gabriel shanks the dude in the neck we should be finding out as it happens not when Gabriel at last sees what he did. Also, the part about the wolf if it's omniscient we would know its a massive wolf right away. I the sentence “You fool Jason is not a vampire… He’s dead right? So it should be "was" not "is" As for the rest of the chapter its good, and I look forward to reading more.
wow that is very detailed I love the feedback. you’re right about the viewpoints most definitely.. I wonder now if I’ve done that all through? will def go back and check. agree about not knowing it’s a wolf. I was wondering if that would fly with readers or not.. thank you so much!
I've barely begun...but I like the way things are going so far😊