How it all started
January was the month where I a) discovered myself and b) developed a crush on a girl who's name was unknown to me. Although I went to a high school with so many girls, she was one of them that caught my eye. She was mysteriously unknown to me. The first time I've met her was in December, but at the time she was just a girl I just met, but not fully. I wasn't rushing to know her name at the time. I had met her because one of my friends had sat with me during breakfast and she just happened to be with my friend that day. I can't stop thinking about that day. How maybe I was meant to meet her, maybe I was meant to go eat breakfast that day and come early to school. But also, I think of maybe I was meant to stumble into her life and change it, but I'll never know that because we don't speak, not in school at least. We message eachother, or matter of fact I text her first and then the conversation starts. But I don't mind that she doesn't text me unless I do. The moment I realized my feelings for her was on January eighteenth, she was sitting two rows down and two seats up, the only class I had with her at the time was study hall. I'll stare at her and study her motions and all, and I sometimes catched her looking at me, but I didn't give too much thought into it, at least I tried not to, because I didn't want to assume that she liked me too, because she probably didn't like me, and deep down I knew she didn't. I didn't care, because for her a broken heart was worth it. She was worth a broken heart. Mystery was attractive to me. And even now that I know her name I wanted to know what she did on her free time. When was her birthday and deep down if she felt the same in any way. Her name was important to me, if I saw her speaking with some one I tried to listen for a name. Even if she spoke to the teacher. I was growing anxious, but somehow I liked feeling that way, and yeah it may sound weird, but before I barely felt anything, so feeling this way was more than nothing. It made me feel human and alive, but also normal. Normal people felt, and I was feeling so much emotions and that made me happy. During February or March, we had to switch to CollegeApps class and lucky for me she was in it. I thought it was gonna be a class where I can freely look at her but sadly I couldn't and I'll explain why. This time of month I became more anti-social, especially because I didn't have my friends in CollegeApps and one of them that was in the class with me never spoke to me unless I dressed nice. Sometimes things need to change so that you can see people's true colors in a different light or setting, and I saw hers. I don't give too much mind into it though, people are simply supposed to leave your life even if you see them, their no longer a person you talk to but just strangers once again. I couldn't look at the girl, I was feeling shy and breathless, and this time she was staring at me and I freaked out by looking else where. The girl I like added me on Instagram just last month on March 30th, and I was jumping in excitement. It was on a Saturday and I texted her that same day, I needed to know her name. I couldn't just start with that though, instead I asked her if she just started Instagram, because I've looked for her so many times through my followers on Instagram that went to our school. I didn't find her.
However, something shocked me tremendously, her response was:
Kind of. I follow you on my other account.
This hit me somewhere, everywhere, because dude what account? My response was: other account? She answered with:
_imnotsober_
I lost my shit, so what your telling me is that my crush has been looking at my stories and I had no fucking clue? With all the shit I posted, I truly felt embarrassed, and flushed. My eyes widened and I stood in the kitchen paralyzed and screaming inside. This girl had no clue what affect she had on me did she? Nope. But one thing I got correct is the fact that she didn't use or like social media. After I replied: Oh shit that's you? Cause what else would I have texted? She said:
Lmaoo, yeah it was just something on the side I don't really like social media.
I responded with: Oh okay, but who does right? Social media be messing with people's minds.
And don't give me that look of 'dude' when I tell you her response got me mad. I get mad easily, but this got me mad because I was trying to speak to her and she sounds dry, but we barely knew each other and I understood that now.
Her response: Tbh
But of course I stopped talking to her after a while of not knowing what to say to that, to a tbh, and just did anything I ever do when I'm alone in the house or simply alone anywhere: Listen to music. It wasn't until the night that I texted her again: Elizabeth that's your name?
I asked her this because her Instagram name was: elisaxxbeth. But also because I badly wanted to know her name.
Her response: No it's my middle name. My name is Anais but I don't use it.
So let me just tell you that after she told me her name I put down the phone and in different tones of voice said her name in repeat. I was totally losing my mind. My next mission of course was: to figure out her last name.
"Anais Elizabeth." I said under my breath and smiled as I picked up the phone to answer:
Why not? You don't like? It sounds pretty nice to me.
Thank You but I never liked my name. I don't know it just sounds uncommon and weird.
I did not think that at all, to me her name was a treasure sent from god himself. And by the way her name wasn't uncommon, I searched it up, turns out there's a poet named Anais and other people too, but the poet mattered more because I write poetry. I also searched up the definition:
Anais: Is a female given name. It is widely thought to be a French Provencal and Catalan version of Anna. Some suggest it is deprived from Anahita, the name of the Persian goddess of fertility and healing.
The last part got me the most. Her name was more than beautiful, it was special. Anyhow we chatted and whatnot, but one part from our conversation that day that got me thinking was when I asked her if it wasn't better to be different than to be like everyone else. She said: I can't anymore, I had let people get in my head. My mind attacked me with the question of who is people, who were the people who got in her head. That night I went to sleep smiling. Not only because I texted her and finally got her name but because I knew that she was absolutely the one I'd let break my heart to shreds because she was worth it and I finally felt a way I never had before.
On Saturday I texted her too, I didn't really care if I was being annoying, I just went for it. I only had one chance so I used it. And honestly as I texted I got more cringer and cringer, at least I thought I did.
