Unknown

Everything is silent like an apocalypse, nothing moves as if the world is frozen in time. A never-ending stand still that holds us in our places.

As I stand and watch the world go on around me, I watch people continue with their everyday lives, walking through the darkest depths of the hollow black void I call a heart, and upon leaving take a piece with them. Ripping away the last ray of hope shining trough the thick, veil covering the abyss of my hopeless soul.

I realise now, I have no reason to be here. Nothing, is keeping me here. So what is the point in staying?

No one will notice my disappearance, even if they did, they wouldn’t care. The thing is, I’m just another shadow amongst the darkness, invisible to the naked eye. Hidden just out of reach, my existence questionable. Standing on the edge of the bottomless pit called insanity waiting to take the last step that could potentially end it all.

Everything, all at once.

I stand at the edge of the depressing, worn down cliff. I could do it. I could jump. I could have all of this come to an end in moments, if I take one step. It doesn’t have to be big. I can just shuffle forward, and let my weight do the rest, fall, fly. Feel the wind through my hair before I feel peace.

I go to take my last step, as I go to my conscience starts to buzz. No not my conscience it’s coming from behind me. I turn around, only to come face to face with him.

“Please. Don’t do this. You don’t have to do this, you don’t have to do anything” he begs, standing still, pure panic etched onto ever miniscule detail of his face. He is the embodiment of terror and what he is witnessing is a nightmare. It’s not fair that I’m making him feel this pain, making him carry this burden.

“It’s too late, I have to do this you know I do. If I don’t I am walking back to the same old boring life where no one cares and no one thinks I matter. I’m just another name on a screen, another breath wasted and another life taken” I say to him, hoping he will understand and praying that he will go, because no matter how hard he tries I must do this, and no one, not even him can change my mind.

He shakes his head and when he looks at me, his eyes show hahah he is having an internal battle with himself that he knows he can’t win. So he turns away but not before looking back at me his usually ocean blue eyes, masked in sorrow and coated in a thick layer of self-hatred. This is because of me I thought to myself.

“You should know. That you will always be my best friend, no matter what you do, I shall never hate you because of the decisions you have made, and although I don’t agree with this I don’t know how to convince you to come back” he whispers. I knew that I shouldn’t be doing this to him but, I know I just whether he wants me to or not, I don’t fit into this world I’m like a black rose coated in thorns in the middle of a field of blood red ones. Each one painted in the blood of a thousand labourers before it.

I stand out like a sore thumb and unfortunately, it’s not the good type of different. It’s the type that can explode back in your face and get the people you live and care about hurt. It is the type of different that can hurt and scar you for the rest of the days that you live, but the scars you are left with don’t make you look strong or brave, they make you look weak and like a complete outcast, it’s as if I am a gazelle in a field of lions. I’ll bet not a graceful one but my weaknesses are pray for those around me.

I hear the soft hymn of his car reversing away and the soft crunch of gravel underneath his tires, I turn around to catch the last glimpse of his moon lit car. But as I did it disappeared, a figment of my imagination. My brain creating tricks in order to preserve itself, to fulfil its sense of duty.

Even if he wasn’t here, I know he’s at home lying on his bed staring at his phone, waiting for the call to say that he is free from the burden I bestowed upon him. I felt the sickening feeling of regret and guilt wash over me dragging me down into the void, empty freezing oceans of society’s expectations. I can’t meet those inevitable expectations, I don’t know why I cat so much about them but for some reason I do, as if it’s been programmed into my very DNA.

I take a small step closer to the edge, the edge of which will be that last known place I was and will be. For the location, as to where I have been is known where as I am unknown. To the world. To society. To life.

My entire existence crumbling in front of my very eyes as I stand at the edge, the edge of oblivion, the edge of my life. I am unknown, I know that much right now, I also know that it is time ... to end this for once and for all.

I take the last step and let myself free fall. This is how I wish to spend my last moments, ramming without a care in the world. It is calm and tranquil and everything seems to freeze in place as I hit the white veil of ice cold crashing waves.

I can feel every nerve ending in my body come to a stop, a stand still. As I let the darkness of life subside and the light of the unknown over take me, I finally feel like I belong, like I am home.

After all, I am UNKNOWN, to me and to the world and it will stay this way for as long as pain and suffering still walk this very earth.

Everything is like a silent apocalypse, nothing moves as if the world is frozen in time. A never-ending stand still that holds us in our places ...