Full Story
I have been asleep for 17 hours, already. Why the fuck am I still tired? My phone is dead. Should probably charge that. I took the phone that was laying on the bed and spent the next 2 minutes looking for the charger. I could get up and turn on the lights, but I am not going to. I finally find it and start charging. I realize that it is going to be another 5-10 minutes before I can turn on my phone. For the next few minutes I must figure out some way to distract myself or else I will start thinking about my life. Although if I turn on my phone I will end up looking at the time or even worse see a message from Ben. Also, I am hungry as fuck. I need to get something from UberEats. I probably have something in my fridge but the last time I opened it I couldn’t stand the smell and that was 2 weeks ago. Fuck, ok, calm the fuck down. I am having another one of these, my heart is racing. It feels like it is about to explode, and my stomach is grumbling. Calm down, its all in your head. Nothing is happening. Calm down. It might be in your head, but you can’t stop it, bitch.
15 minutes later….
After 3 attempts I am finally able to open my phone. Fuck, it's already 7:49 pm. My parents are gonna call me on Viber in a few minutes. Shit, Shit, SHIT. Ok, ok, problem-solving time. You know the thing they teach you in your degree. Speaking of which I haven’t worked on my project in weeks. FUCK Calm down. Ok, I need to buy some time. I start typing “I am in the labs. I will call you in 2 hours”. How many times I have typed this? My phone’s auto-suggest filled out most of the words.
Ok, first clothes. I am pretty sure they have seen me in these clothes for two consecutive days. I need to change. When was the last time I did laundry? I will just look. After going through the painful experience of getting out of bed, I turn on the lights. I am pretty sure I heard one of my bones snap or something. Goddammit. Ok, I open my closet and to my unsurprised horror, my clean clothes bag is empty. I take in a deep breath and look… I look through my dirty clothes pile to see if I can use something. Then IDEA. I can just wear a jacket over my current clothes and tell them its really fucking cold or just pretend I just came back instead of being in my room for ... Never mind. Ok, the jacket should solve the problem. Then I touch my beard and to my unsurprised horror again I feel that gross, revolting and greasy hair. Oh fuck. Unsurprised horror seems to be a common theme here. I have a quick chuckle at that. And then I hear the knock on the door.
Fuck it might be Ben. Probably right. I recognise that idiot’s knock anywhere. Shit did I remember to lock the door the last time I went to the bathroom? Panic is setting in again. Keep your breathing down. He might hear it. Dammit. He keeps on knocking. Eventually, he asks, “Yo, you in there? I haven’t seen you in a while. We have our meeting tomorrow with James. So, I wanted to ask how your section was coming along.” He keeps on knocking. Dammit. Dammit. DAMMIT. Dude just leave me alone. Please. PLEASE. I start shaking to make sure that he can god damn hear me inside. He sends a message on my phone. Thank fucking God, it's on vibrate. Finally, he decides to leave and go back to his room. I slowly start moving towards my phone. I read his message “Where are you?” and I reply with shaking hands “I am at the 24/7 labs. I am not sure when I am going to be back.” If I don’t feel like I can go to the meeting tomorrow, I will just claim that I was working all night. Fuck yeah, that works out.
Ok, I need to shave now. It’s not just a matter of showing it to my parents now. I am used to the smell and feel of my own filth. But it doesn’t seem to show unless they see my beard. If I shave the beard, they usually can’t tell how many days it has been since I took a shower. If I can make them believe that I am doing fine, maybe I can convince myself about that too. But for that, I need to go outside and to the bathroom. Can I shave in my room? Fuck that. Ok, think, think, THINK. Wait a minute, I can check Steam. If Ben is playing something he isn’t gonna get up even if the apocalypse happens. I need to find my computer, quick. I go through my bag and find it. Of course, it’s still there. It isn’t like I have opened it in the what … 5 days I have been in my room. Ok, after 15 fucking frustrating minutes I managed to open Steam and check Ben’s activity. Fuck yeah, he’s playing the Witcher 3, I am good for the next 5 hours for sure. I managed to get a quick shave and come back.
At 9:30 pm, a call comes in on Viber. I told them I am gonna be ‘busy’ for 2 hours. Whatever, I am just gonna pick up the phone.
“Can you see me, mom? I can see and hear you fine” I said as soon the connection was good.
“Yeah, where have you been?” said both mom and dad. Where did I say I was? Oh yeah.
“I was at the labs. I just got back. I haven’t changed or had dinner” The dinner card will probably mean they will finish the daily call sooner. That’s a good one.
“Oh, ok. What did you eat in the afternoon?” said mom.
“I had cereal for breakfast and chicken with rice for lunch.” That should speed up the conversation.
“How is your project coming along? When will you finish? You have been working there every day, haven’t you?” said mom
Not this shit again. “I am working as hard as I can as often as I can. But the project will take the whole semester, mom. I am sorry I can’t do anything about that”.
“Oh yeah, it’s the beginning of the month. Have you kept track of your monthly expenses?” said dad.
Fuck no. I have been spending so much on UberEats in the last few months. I don’t even remember the last time I cooked.
“Just a minute I will check my bank account”
I quickly went through the bank app on my phone. Oh my god. I spent 100 AUD almost every day for the last week on UberEats. I should probably get a fucking discount or something for that. Jesus fuck, FUCK. They are watching me. If I let on, they will start asking me questions. They are usually alert about that sort of thing. Calm down. I start sweating profusely. It’s fucking winter, how is this happening? I subtract 500 AUD from my calculated expenses and say that to my dad. My dad rubs his temple annoyingly, trying desperately not show his frustration with me. I guess we both have our facades.
“When was the last time you cooked?” said dad.
“I haven’t been able to cook recently because I have been working on my project all the time. Sorry, dad. I just don’t have the time and energy for that. I am sorry.”
Mom stops dad and says “It’s fine, honey. He is working all day. It’s fine if you are eating. Just make sure you have your meals at the right time”
I clench my fists and say “Ok, mom and dad. See ya, I got go get dinner. The store nearby will close soon. So…see ya”
“Take care of yourself and …”
“Ok, see ya. I gotta go”. Please stop. Please.
“Ok see you tomorrow. Try to get home earlier and try not to work too hard”. And the call ends.
That bit just fucking … I take several deep breaths until I calm down. I think it took a solid 15 minutes for my heart to defuse. I think I lost my appetite. I can’t keep using UberEats anymore. I am not gonna look at the fridge. I will just wait until the morning. Dammit. I start taking deep breaths and try to stop it again for the millionth failed time. Literally, anything within walking distance is probably closed. I also can’t go out. I just can’t.
1 hour later…
I have at least another 11 hours left until the meeting. What the fuck do I say to them? The supervisor wasn’t there last week so I managed to dodge that bullet. Now I am into the 6th week of the semester and I got nothing. I haven’t even touched the project in 4 months. I am so fucked. You just have been lazing around hard as you can as often as you can.
Ok, fuck it, I will go the morning meeting and just tell them I fucked up and get help. It doesn’t matter. I need to get this off my chest. I just can’t do this anymore. This can’t keep going the way it is. I NEED HELP. What will they think of you, huh? You haven’t done shit despite the sacrifices people have made for your life, huh. It has been 6 weeks and can’t continue pretending that everything is going according to plan. I need to stop thinking before I decide to change my mind. Fuck.
What’s the best way to stop thinking? What you have been using for the last few months? PODCASTS. Ok, I open my podcast app and look through it to find my biggest time sink, which is listening to True Crime podcasts. Shit, literally all the 100 available episodes have been played, already. What the fuck? I had at least 140 hours of content on that. I only started listening to this 2 weeks ago. How is that possible? Probably don’t wanna go there. Ok fine, FINE. I will just listen to one of the old episodes and eventually fall asleep. It’s not like I remember most of this shit anyway.
5 hours later….
I have had my eyes closed for a while now. I am not even entirely sure I am completely awake. This isn’t the first time this has happened. I am sort of dreaming but I can still listen to the podcast, although not paying attention. I can barely comprehend what the host is saying though. This has happened so frequently in the past few months. Why am I stuck like this? I started working on this project because it was so damn cool so why can’t I work on this. WHY? I just. Why did this happen to me? What is happening to me?
Ok I am been through shit before, right? What did I do to get through it? Think back to high school when I thought that I was falling behind. What did I do to keep going? Come on. I mean, I guess I didn’t have as much freedom then and had to work in a very strict schedule. What else was different? I remember crying during my showers. Wait, did I? That can’t be right.
Oh yeah, I used to lie down, put my head on the floor and cry while the water fell on my body. Why the fuck did I do that? I wasn’t sad or anything but every so often while I was in the shower, I will conjure up all my negative emotions and just cry it out. I never felt the need to do it in other conditions. Huh, that would be effective. Might explain how I was able to get so much done during my high school years. I used to cry and let it all out and not deal with for the rest of the day. That makes sense, right? Hmm…. Whatever let’s go with that. Maybe I can do it again and work through my problems with a tried and true method. Literally, nothing else has worked.
Ok, let's start. If I just start thinking of my failures this should just work, right? Ok, what are my failures? In what ways are you not a failure? I haven’t worked on my project for 4 months. What else? I failed all my units last semester. FUCK, what else? My parents no longer ask me to get straight As anymore, they just ask me for Bs. Now that’s the fucking travesty. I hated the fact that they set such high expectations from me and now I am bitching when they relieve some those expectations. Fan fucking tastic. Hell, this isn’t the first time I thought about asking for help from my supervisor about this issue. Fuck, this has been going on for 2 weeks. How do I know this is going to be any different in the morning? No, FUCK. Another panic attack coming in, just as scheduled. I don’t think I can take any more of this shit.
2 hours later …
Nothing has worked so far. Is the water falling on my face an important part of the equation? Dammit. Fuck that. Its probably not gonna work anyway. I am also not getting out of my bed. It's too fucking cold. I am so god damn hungry. But I can’t order from UberEats, anymore. It's not like I am doing anything important. Just contemplating the failure that is your existence. I am in that weird dream state again. I guess I came out of it when I was trying to wallow in my self-loathing.
2 hours later …
I am lying down on a puddle. What the fuck is happening? I am actually lying down a puddle. I can feel it in every part of my body that there is water and I am wet. What is happening? I am not sure if this is a dream. I can still listen to the podcast in the background. I move my fingers and yes, I can move them. Fuck this. I get up. I am awake. This feeling is gone. That was trippy. Ok, I am gonna go back to sleep, I guess. I lie down again. I close my eyes. I am back to where I was. I am sleeping on my puddle. None of my dreams have ever been this visceral. Oh God, what is happening? I get up again. The feeling is gone again. I repeat this 4 more times. Every fucking time, I can feel the puddle.
1 hour later …
I can’t meet anyone. These damn hallucinations have just made things worse. I can’t talk to anyone, right now. I just send a message to Ben that I can’t make it to the meeting today since I was working through the night and have a massive headache. Deep breaths. Not deep enough. More deep breaths. Just keep breathing. That seems to be the only thing I can seem to do right.
2 hours later …
I need to take a piss. Fuck I have to leave the damn room. Ben should be at the campus now for the meeting. What time is it exactly? Fuck my phone is dead again. I get up and again I hear my bones cracking. Damn oh god, its fucking cold. Shit. Gotta hurry up. I open the door and head outside. Damn the sunlight is bright. Fucking hate this city. It's cold and sunny at the same time.
After I am done taking a nice, long piss and head out of the shared bathroom and see Ben staring at me. I think my heart, as you would expect, starts doing that damn thing again. I fall to my knees and say “Why are you here? Aren’t you going to the meeting?”
Ben replies with a puzzled face “I emailed James about it and he postponed the meeting for tomorrow. I messaged you, didn’t I? What’s wrong? I haven’t seen you in weeks. Are you alright, mate?”
I can’t say it. I can’t bring myself to say it. Maybe more accurately, we wouldn’t say it. After years finally, tears start flowing down my face. I finally say to Ben “I … “. I stop again but I power through it. I continue “I need help”.
