Winter Heat and Themes

I never really met myself.

I figured by the time I turned eighteen I would know everything about myself. Throughout high school, I kept asking “Is this me? I don’t want to be like this.”

I’m now in college and began to commute to a college forty-five minutes away. I couldn’t tell you where I live because I’m confused myself. My house is located in the high desert, but my Dad takes us to the city where he works. From there I take the bus to school, a completely different city. I feel like I’m living in three different places.

Going to school made me realize how out of place I was there. In high school, I wanted to be skinny and pretty. This affected me intensely as I made the transition to college. I started to use makeup to hide my skin that basically had the texture of a frosted flake.

I would get off to get change from the gas station near the next bus stop. Entering this gas station was a guy who had a tall stature, white skin, a tucked-in shirt, and slicked-back hair. I guessed that he was around 24. For months this was a monotonous exchange:

“Hello, can I have change for a five?”

“Yeah sure.”

“Thank you!”

One day going in he started talking to me out of nowhere and asked me to a movie.

I was shocked and responded, “I don’t know.”

I left feeling happy, I thought for the first time in my life ” Am I pretty? ”

I started going there frequently to see him. I wasn’t sure why I kept going. I would make sure to wear nice clothes, and always have foundation on.

Did I like him? I mean why would I do all these changes?

I gathered my courage and asked him to a movie. We texted that night and I didn’t feel excited at all. I felt weird talking to him.

I invited him to the library and I offered to walk around and talk.

While we walked I found out his age.

He was thirty-one.

I was horrified and he began to ask me weird questions:

“What is considered Rated R for you?”

“Can I touch you here?”

“Is there somewhere we can be by ourselves?″

He would keep grazing my back and used any excuse to make contact. I felt uncomfortable but decided to keep quiet. Is this how a date goes? Should I let him touch me? I’m confused. I tried to be more animated and succeeded because he later offered to massage me. I declined and said I needed to go.

There wasn’t going to be a next time or a movie.

I left that day feeling drained, depressed and stupid. I didn’t tell anyone or my parents.

I made it home and cried

“I just wanted to be pretty! I didn’t like him.. I just wanted someone to think or believe that I was pretty.” I needed anyone to tell me.

The next morning I washed my face and went to school. I didn’t put on makeup. I didn’t go back to the gas station.

What I did do was remember who I was. I’m me and I will become beautiful. Not now, but soon because each day I draw, read and learn and that is worth more at the moment and that makes me a lot closer beauty.

I also had bought a bus pass.

To not go back, you know?

I’m still scared but I know what I value and my worth. I found my answer to beauty at home between the warm desert heat and the coldness of the city.

The answer was in the warm winter heat