A fallen star

I am falling. Every time I close my eyes all I do is fall through an empty, dark space. Over and over again, all I do is fall. That is all I ever see in my sleep.

"Dwayne, you need a change of pace for once."

"I have made changes. You just worry too much, Elena."

My sister, Elena, comes to see me every Monday night after she finishes her ballet rehearsals at the studio.

"‘Change' is not to sit in a different spot of your penthouse. You have been in here for years! You cannot keep this up." She gets mad easily, but, I know better. She is just a sensible person, unlike me. I always believed that she stole that part of me while we were in mother's womb.

"Two years, five months and two days is how long I have stayed inside."

"You forgot the hours, minutes and seconds." When Elena gets sarcastic like that, she has the habit to look away, avoiding meeting the person's eyes, and would start fidgeting with her long, golden hair. We usually quarrel in this sarcastic manner, as if our problems could be solved by mockery.

Following her lead to annoy her, is even more amusing. "Oh, it has been–"

"No, stop. You are aware of the time at least."

Time. Time has never stopped, it only moved ever so slowly. "How could I not. That is how long I have been without playing the piano, that is how long it has been from that incident."

"That is precisely why you should change the scenery, maybe that will help."

"I do not need a change of scenery. I need to be able to play again." I stood up from my chair near the window that had the view towards the east woods and walked towards the piano that was on the other side with the view towards the city.

"And staying inside helps?"

"Yes." Is what I say, but in truth, it doesn't help. I am a coward that is afraid to face his fears and go outside where other people might see me, might recognize the failure I truly am.

"How? All I see is how miserable you look! You are throwing away your life! It is time to move on and–"

"Enough!" I startled her. Of course, I did. It is rare for me to raise my voice. I am miserable, is what I thought but did not speak those words. Elena is always looking after me. She is the only one who stayed by my side after that happened.

Subsequently, she approached me and embraced me in her pale white arms in a sisterly loving way. "Brother, I just want what is best for you. I am simply worried for you."

"I know, Elena. I know."

"I just wish, for once, that you would go outside and see what you are missing out. That may help you get your inspiration back to play again. To create those beautiful melodies, you used to make and that I used to dance to."

I wouldn't wish for anything less, but I cannot admit that to her. "It is getting late. You should go home."

"Very well. I will come back next week. Take care of yourself, I love you." With that, she was gone.

As I embraced the silence that fell in the room, I decided to go to the terrace, viewing the entire forest behind the building. The wind felt cold on my skin as autumn was approaching and the trees were starting to shed its leaves. The night sky felt bigger, deeper; no stars were to be seen tonight. I felt disappointed. The stars always gave me a sense of comfort; like if they were watching over me, guiding me towards the paths that I decided to take in life. Although, ever since that night I started thinking that even the stars had forsaken me.

☆☆☆

"What is this, Elena?" I had accidentally stumbled with the chair that Elena had placed her bag on, making it fall and scattering its contents. She wasn't the type of person that would carry around important documents or valuables. Nonetheless, she was carrying documents that had my name written on them.

Elena ran out of the kitchen, whereas she was preparing tea, where I was, "what is what? Why do you sound so… Oh." She quickly realized what I was referring to. "You were not supposed to see those." She looked away, not wanting to meet my gaze.

"Then please, tell me, when was I supposed to see them? When the director would have come to pick me up in hopes that in the midst of my confusion I would leave my home and start performing again like nothing had happened?"

"I was going to tell you."

"When?"

She was wearing a confused expression but even so, she answered me without looking at me directly, her gaze looking far beyond into another moment; her voice tender and soft, "I am here carrying those papers, am I not?"

I placed the documents on the table and sat on the chair near the window, "this is not going to work. Even if I show my face there, what makes you believe that I will be welcomed?"

"Brother, the director was the one who gave me that filled application. He wants you back and he does not care of the past. He just wants you to play again." Elena waited for a response, but I gave her none. "Just, think about it, all right? The director gave you a month to show up but, try to show up before then and give it a try. If you decide to do this, then, I will be your dancer. For old times’ sake." As I still didn't respond, nor look at her, she collected her things to leave, "I will leave them here; also, I have an audition out of town and coincidentally, won't be back for a month. When I visit you in a month's time I will listen to your answer. Please, consider it carefully." I heard Elena open the door, but I did not look at her even as she was about to leave for a month, "I love you."

I was alone once again. The air felt heavy as memories of that night filled my mind. The incident wasn't what scared me into hiding, rather, the fear of death did, and the shame of betrayal also kept me from creating melodies. Even so, I was painfully aware that the presence of those documents meant that I could no longer stay hidden.

☆☆☆

One week had passed since my twin sister, Elena, showed up at my home with a contract from the theater. In that week, it took a lot of energy to even step outside of the door. Nevertheless, I had managed to somehow make it to the theater this time.

"Dwayne, my boy, you really did come! If I would have known that I could make you come with a piece of paper I would have done it sooner." Theo Carmine is the director and manager to all musicians, dancers, and singers of this theater, The Grand Crane Theater, which he created himself for the unique and talented that got turned down by prestigious theaters for lacking a social status.

"Ironic isn't it?" I handed him the signed documents. "You went to the trouble of signing me in this national competition. I am well aware that competitions are what keep this place going and these participation forms that you gave my sister, after all this time, means that the theater is in trouble. Am I right?"

Theo gave a rueful smile and patted me on the shoulder with his free giant and skeletal-like bronze hand. "Sorry. Since you understand the situation, let's let everyone know the good news and meet our ray of hope!"

"Wait, I do not think that that is a good idea. After all, I am not sure myself if I will be of good use."

"You're here, aren't cha'? That's what's important my boy." Excited, Theo dragged me along towards the stage.

For a slim person, he had some strength built up, since he is always carrying and moving instruments and stage prototypes. Another trait he has is that he starts humming when he gets overly excited. Like he is right now until we approached the front of the stage.

He clapped to get the attention of everyone that were sitting scattered about in the theater room. "Attention here for a moment crew." Instead of looking towards him, all eyes were on me, "This pale, scrawny looking fella is Dwayne Sullivan. Don't let his complex deceive you, this kid is my ace. That is why I decided to bring him in once again after his long, long vacation. Well, many already know him and have their own opinion about him, but please understand that we are in a bind and he is here to help. Try to leave the past in the past and get along, alright?" The director looked around briefly before meeting my gaze, "Now, why don't you play a short piece that you already know? Also, get a haircut or something. You look like a homeless person that I just picked up on the street and gave a clean shirt." He eyed me with a hint of annoyance.

"You never did like men performers with long hair," I said playfully before tying up my hair with one of the many rubber-bands my sister leaves at my home. He nodded approvingly before turning to leave the stage. As he was striding away I stopped him, "Theo wait, I am out of practice. I do not think I can play very well. Or at all."

He half turned and smiled, "That is precisely why you will play. I want to see how rusty you are. Amuse this old man a bit." He then left the stage and sat on the middle chair of the first row. He always said that the best seat was where he could be first and center of it all.

I sat on the piano bench, taking a deep breath I stared down at the keys of the piano in front of me. Unable to move, unable to listen nor remember how I used to play it so easily back then. Suddenly, everything went dark and like in my dreams, I was falling through an endless, dark pit. Time never had passed slower than in that moment. My breathing picked up its pace as I felt my chest tightened and the air caught in my throat.

Then I heard someone calling my name as a hand was shaking my shoulder slightly. Suddenly, I realized once again, my true whereabouts, remembering that I was not falling nor dreaming, but wide awake in the theater, in front of the piano.

As I looked away from it, I noticed that the one that was beside me was Theo, looking worried, "Are you alright Dwayne? What happened? You suddenly froze in place and started panicking there."

"I-I'm sorry old man, I got to go. I can't… I'm sorry." My words stammered as I hurriedly stood and strode away, out of the stage and into the back alley of the theater. The cold wind of the night hit me like splashing cold water on my face. Something like this happened a year ago when I tried to play again after my accident but, I just couldn't do it.

Behind me, the door slammed open, there stood Cessair Heath, the man that I ruined his career two years ago. I didn't need much light to figure out his expression. His deep voice was even harsher than I remembered, "Is that how you turned up to be? After all that time. That isn't fair Dwayne; I expected you to be better than before not this pathetic ghost. After all, you are the man that stole my music sheets for his own selfish goals."

"And regretted it every single day. You didn't deserve that; any of it. I know better than anyone that you worked very hard in creating that piece for that day."

"And you did it anyway and then you have the audacity to show your face here again. In a pathetic state to boot. You should have just stayed cooped up in your penthouse and rotted away. Seeing you now only makes me think that it wasn't worth it to be so worked up over you. You destroyed yourself." With that, Cessair went back inside the theater. The door closing behind his wide back.

I looked up at the night sky, it was dark and lonely; just like this alleyway; just like me. "I wish I can find a light to shine my dark path and show me the way that I have lost sight of." And at that moment, a star fell from the sky, shining through the dark night sky.

☆☆☆

Two days have passed and without thinking I came back to the theater. "Why am I even here?" I have been standing in the front entrance of the theater for three hours; feeling uneasy with the passerby's and unsure if I should enter. After all, I still can't play nor face those that I let down.

A familiar deep voice sounded from behind with a hint of hostility, "What are you doing?" I didn't turn to look at him, instead, I kept looking at the theater's sign; The Grand Crane Theater.

"Heath, good evening." Despite his resentment towards me, he stood beside me.

"Look, I still don't forgive you for what you did to me but, you owe everything to the old man so, I suggest you get it together and start playing. If you do,… I may consider helping you for this national competition." Without looking at me nor waiting for my reply, Cessair Heath walked away, his tall and elegant features disappearing within the theater doors.

As I was still processing Heath's words, an energized Theo stood in front of me looking half angry but speaking in a content voice, contradicting himself; "I told ya' to get a haircut. These kids don't listen to me anymore these days. And what are you doing out here anyway? Hurry along, we have a lot of work to do." Theo, as always, dragged me along with him. I can never keep up with his energy, sometimes I forget that he is in his 60's.

"Old man, I am truly sorry for everything."

"What are you talking about my boy? I don't remember you doing anything to be sorry about. Oh, I almost forgot. I arranged your old dressing room and I also assigned your sister as your dancer for the competition, but since she isn't here, there's a replacement for her until she comes back. She should be waitin' for ya."

One of Theo's students approached him to ask about her performance, I excused myself and went to my old dressing room. My name was still there on the longstanding wooden door filled with many autographs from all my past coworkers that used to admire my performance back then. Now I am just a failure.

When I entered the dressing room, there stood all alone a petite pale woman, white long hair to one side as she was dressing in an elegant white dress that left her back exposed. She seemed very delicate, like a doll.

"It's rude to gawk at a woman while she is dressing herself, Mr. Sullivan." She walked towards me; now standing only inches away, she looked directly at me with her clear grey eyes. I felt like she was stripping naked my entire self, as if I had nothing nor nowhere to hide from her, with those eyes that can see it all. "It is a pleasure to be working with you, Mr. Sullivan." Her soft slow voice echoed through my entire self.

I cleared my throat to speak more clearly but my nervousness could still be heard in my voice, "Yes, um, of course. I apologize for staring. I was not expecting to see anyone inside."

"Since I will only be staying for a month, I told the director to let me use your dressing room for that time. It is an honor to be working with you, Mr. Sullivan." She extended her slender pale hand towards me.

I accepted her extended hand and shook it softly, "The honor is mine. Although I believe you are giving me too much credit Miss…um, I apologize, I do not know your name."

"It's Adhara." With that, she turned around and sat comfortably on the sofa. "Theo told me you are having trouble performing."

"That is a nice way to put it. To be more precise, I am unable to play."

"Why do believe that is so?" I didn't reply to her, and she didn't wait for an answer, "You know what I think? I think that you are punishing yourself for a mistake in the past that has already been forgotten. And do you know what I see?" She stood and approached me once again, "I see a scared little boy that is afraid to face his fears head on, that is terrified to forgive himself more than others are unwilling to forget, but to forgive." Adhara, slowly and caringly touched my cheek, "I believe you can find the light, Dwayne."

☆☆☆

"Come on Dwayne! You are even starting to frustrate me over here." Theo was now standing and yelling at me from his favorite seat in the theater.

One week had passed and I still couldn't play without panicking. Adhara keeps a positive mind, saying that I can at least play the first part, but we all know that it isn't good enough. Even Theo is starting to lose his patience on me, and that is a lot to say.

"I am sorry Theo. I really am trying."

"If you really are sorry then stop apologizing and start playing." Theo sighed, frustration clear in his features, "go home for today, get some rest and get your head together."

"Alright." I stood from the bench, feeling ashamed and frustrated.

“Oh, and before I forget, go cut your hair for the love of God!”

I laughed a little at his complaint about my hair, but I didn't answer him; instead, I turned to leave the stage without looking too much at the others that were around. Knowing very well the disappointment they were all feeling as the once upon a time ace of the theater is nothing but a shadow. As I made my way towards the dressing room, I promised myself that I would do whatever it takes to make him proud. After all, he is the closest thing of a father I have left.

As I entered the dressing room, a familiar petite girl was standing all alone, completely naked; her pale white skin exposed, her white long hair loose like a waterfall. "Is rehearsal over already? What a shame, I was starting to get ready for it." She picked up a dressing gown that was on the hanger near the wardrobe.

"I apologize, I didn’t know you were here." Frantically I looked away and turned to leave but Adhara closed the door before I could attempt to leave.

"Shy, aren't we?" She laughed softly, "Theo sent you home, didn't he?"

"He is losing his patience; I can't blame him for yelling at me. By this time, after all that amount of practice, I would have already written half of a song and he would have already set up the plans for the choreography and everything else."

Adhara patiently listened to me. After I had finished she walked away from me, "I may be able to help you a bit more. Wait for me back at your home."

☆☆☆

"How are you… How did you get into my house?"

Adhara was already there when I arrived, even though I had left before her. When she told me to wait for her back home, I thought that she would take her time getting here; it was confusing how she even managed to get inside.

Ignoring my question, she began to speak, "tell me, even if you can't see the stars, do you still believe they will come back to shine in the night sky?" Her gaze was fixed on the night sky as if searching for something that cannot be seen anymore but it was forever in the same place.

I stood beside her in the terrace and looked upwards as well. After considering her question, I felt like her motives were completely different from her question, "if I did not believe in them, then I would not believe that the sun will come out after hiding away during the night or behind the clouds."

"Then why are you doubting yourself? Why wish upon the stars to shine your path?" This time, she was looking directly at me, with her intense grey eyes that knew much more than it would seem.

I met her powerful gaze, feeling smaller than her own height, but somehow, I felt that I could tell her the entire truth, without fear of any kind of disappointment. "Two years ago, I made a terrible mistake; a mistake that I regret deeply, and that fate made me pay the price." I looked away into the night shadows of the trees, I took in air and continued to speak; "There was an international competition in which only a selected phew can participate; as well perform their own music sheet. That day, my sheets were stolen from my dressing room and my ambition to win corrupted me. Cessair Heath was performing as well that day and since we practiced together, I knew how to play his melody and my turn to perform was before him. Hence my dumb idea of betrayal. I stole his sheet and played it when it was my turn. When he recognized the song, he forfeited the competition, but not before he gave his reasons for it. Reporters were swarming to get near me, but I ran away towards the back door of the theater and, to my terrible luck, I had stumbled into a thief that was escaping from the scene, a knife in his hand and out of fear, he stabbed me. Luckily, the knife only grazed the Aorta but, that was enough to knock on death's door." I looked up again towards the sky, "When I had finally woken up after a month, I lost my courage in creating music and I became fearful of the outside world."

Adhara took my face in her hands so I would look at her, "the past can no longer be changed, but… I will show you what really happened, so you can understand better why your betrayal hurt your friend more than you are aware of."

In that instant, her eyes glowed and we were no longer standing on the terrace, instead, we were like ghosts, floating in a starry night sky; "what is happening?" Adhara was no longer within my sight but rather I felt like I was inside her, seeing through her eyes from somewhere along with the stars.

"Stay calm, otherwise my ability, mirror imaging, will become undone."

"Ability? What are you?"

In an amused tone, she answered: "You are so slow. I am the Second brightest star of the Canis Major, Adhara. You made a wish and I decided it was worth my while to help the man that played beautifully his melodies; beautiful enough to be heard all the way in the night sky where the stars watch the worlds below us."

"How can that even be possible?"

After she revealed her true identity, amidst my confusion, the scenery changed. I was no longer floating amongst the stars; I was inside the theater where the international competition was held. No one seemed to notice me, in fact, I wasn't even really there.

Before long I saw myself talking with Cessair Heath, showing him something on the music sheet in my hands. In the midst of the ball of nerves that I remembered I had that day; the intercom was louder than I had ever heard it be; someone was calling for me in administration. I felt my heart sink as I watched myself place my music sheets on top of some boxes and left to see who it was that had called for me. Cessair noticed that I had left them there and tried to catch up, but he was stopped by one of the staff members. He quickly dismissed the staff and ran towards my dressing room, hoping I was still there doing my usual ritual to calm my nerves before going up on stage, but I wasn't there. He ran towards the stage in hopes to find me before my performance, but I was already sitting at the piano bench with another music sheet. Theo was standing in the side stage. Cessair asked him if I had an extra copy of my music sheet because he had found them on top of a box. Before Theo could understand what the situation was, I had started to play a song, Cessair's song.

The heavy reality of my actions hit hard, making me feel less human and more like scum. "Adhara, I have seen enough. Take me back." As fast as I had appeared floating in the sky, I had returned to the familiar open space of my home.

Adhara was in front of me once again, her voice soft and caring, "Do you remember your wish? You wished to find a light to shine your dark path and show you the way that you had lost sight of." Tears were starting to form in my eyes as the truth of that night was settling like a tight grip on my heart. "Instead of asking for things that are beyond your comprehension, start thinking about the path you want to start walking now that you know the extent of your betrayal towards your partner, who had treated you like his brother; and your teacher, that loves you like his own son."

☆☆☆

As days kept passing by, I was still unable to play correctly; Theo was losing his hopes on me; I was losing hope on myself.

Adhara silently entered my dressing room and approached where I sat, in front of the dresser. She pulled another chair and sat beside me, taking a moment before speaking; "you are punishing yourself too much. If you hate so much how you feel, then, do something about it. Don't just drown in self-guilt and drag along the same ones you already hurt."

As if on cue, there was a knock on the door before opening, revealing Cessair Heath on the other side. "I can come back later if the two of you are busy."

Before I could answer, Adhara stood, giving me a wink. "No, no. I was just about to leave anyway." She gave Heath a warm smile and left, closing the door behind her.

Heath was still standing near the door, hands fidgeting in his pockets; a habit he does to hide away the nerves. "So? Did you send Adhara for me just to stay silent?"

Now it made sense why he was here moments after Adhara had come. She arranged it, so I wouldn't have an excuse to run away from confronting Heath. How clever, I thought.

"I will be on my way then."

Before he could fully open the door I started talking; "No, wait…um, I just…" What is wrong with me?! I chastised myself, took a deep breath and, finally, looked Heath in the eye. "I am very sorry for being a terrible partner but, most of all, an awful friend."

☆☆☆

After my apology, Heath looked at me taken aback and after a moment, he nodded in acceptance and left. It felt strange, it was a feeling that I couldn't describe clearly but to put it simply,… it felt right. Like a weight lifted from my shoulders. The next couple of days he was acting very awkward at first but then made an effort to help me progress. Adhara didn't show up after that night and gradually my panic attacks began to fade, letting in progression in my performance.

When I got home, a familiar scent of green tea mixed with a lavender aroma filled the room. Elena. I smiled when she turned the corner from the kitchen to the entrance and saw her expression of disbelief. Before she could say anything, I wrap my arms around her slim body as I whispered in her ear with much happiness; "welcome home."