Why He Couldn't Fall

Start wThe moon was full that night. It was the only thing illuminating Tim’s room. He stared at the wall with wide eyes, entirely giving up on trying to go to sleep. As he tried to drift to bed, all he could see was his near encounter with death, everything that lead to that moment, and the sorrow he caused. If he didn’t open his eyes himself, his tears would do it for him.

So he lied there, occasionally picking on the cast on his wrist with his fingernails and watching the moon set over his head-

-before someone came in. The door creaked open, the only sound in the room so far. His feet were silent. A stealthy person. He knew Damian couldn’t care less, so it might’ve been Dick.

“Hey, buddy.” He was right. His voice had a sing-song tone to it, or at least it tried to. He could only think of Dick to try to be this cheerful. Dick helped himself to the chair by Tim’s bed before saying, “We found this in your room. Back at your team’s place.” Dick held up a piece of paper that Tim refused to look at. He already knew what it was. He didn’t think about hiding it, but, thinking back, that would be a dead give away, wouldn’t it? “You still need to do something you’ve always wanted to do, right?” He could hear his voice cracking under the pressure to fight back his tears. “Why so early?”

Tim shrugged. He might have had an answer to that, but he already knew it was one Dick didn’t want to hear.

“You can talk to me. You can tell me anything. You know that.”

He said nothing.

“Why are you doing this?”

Nothing.

“To this day, I still feel guilty about Jason’s death, you know? I feel like I should’ve been there. Like I should’ve known that he’d be there, and I could’ve stopped him before it happened. Now I can to get to the bottom of this, and I can’t even get you to look at me. I just...” he stopped, taking a deep shaky breath. “Is this for attention? Is that what you want?”

Finally, Tim turned his head to give him a disgusted scowl. “Why would I—?”

“ What else am I supposed to think, Tim!? ” He shouted suddenly. It even made him flinch. “Huh?”

That last response implied that he wanted an answer, but he honestly didn’t know what to say. Tim just stared at this version of Dick he never thought he’d see directed at him, hoping Dick would fill in the awkward silence.

“You have everything anyone could want in life and you’re a strong-willed person. And you’re not crazy. You shouldn’t want to die! What the hell drove you to do something like this? Is it..is it being a hero? Is that getting too much for you?”

Somehow hearing that aloud brought a pain to his chest that he did his best to tuck away. Unfortunately, it showed a little in his voice when he murmured a pathetic, “No...”

“Did Bruce say something to you? Or Jason or Ras? Whoever the hell.”

“No.”

“Then what?”

“I don’t know-”

“That’s all you can tell me? You pull a stunt like this just to say you don’t know why you did it!? Is that what you’re saying right now!?”

“I don’t know!" He detested thinking about his reasonings. All he knew was that this was how he felt. He hated knowing he had these feelings and he hated that he got caught in the act, forced to be supervised like a wild animal in a zoo. He wanted to get away from it all. He even had his head between his knees and chest while clutching his hair and rocking back and forth as an attempt. “I’m sorry...”

Dick knew it, whatever catastrophic event “it” is, could happen to anyone. He knew suicide could range from an obviously pitiful soul to someone you least expected it to happen to. But it was one of those things you knew but didn’t accept could happen near you. One rarely assumed it’ll be from someone you’re close with, or at least that was what Dick was going to tell himself to ease the guilt. What signs did he overlook? Could he have been around more? Did Tim not get enough support? Should Dick blame himself or someone else? Thoughts like these ran through his mind all week, looking for any leads or any way he could possibly help, to make Tim stop rocking back and forth in a fetal position panicking. He decided as a start he could calm himself down before talking with him again; the last thing Dick needed was to be the reason Tim got more stressed out than he already was. He held and tugged Tim’s arm towards him until he took the hint to lean into a hug. Dick held him tightly on his chest, pushing his fingers into Tim’s locks to make sure he doesn’t leave. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

Tim embraced his brother and nuzzled into his warm chest as he cried. “It’s okay.”

They let the air grow calm, resigning in each other’s heat until Dick was ready to try this again.

“I feel so helpless right now.” He sniffled. “Usually, I can send anything hurting you to jail. I don’t know what to do here.” He didn’t want to sound useless. He didn’t want to be useless. He couldn’t. Too much was at stake. He had to be able to say something. He’s Dick Grayson for crying out loud; if there’s one thing he’s good at it’s using his words. “It’s strange really. I see people try to fall off a building all the time. I can just tell them stuff like ‘it gets better’ and send them to the nearest hospital. It’s somehow really different when you know them personally.” No, no, now he’s more incompetent. He needed to get out of that funk and start thinking. What could he say? What did Tim need to hear? Come on! “I know dying is part of the job and all, but I’m never really ready for it, you know? I don’t like thinking that this might be the last day I see you.” Smirking, he lowered his voice to a whisper. “I’d hate for you to go most of all. Don’t tell anyone...but you’re my favorite...”

Smiling, Tim rolled his eyes.

“Really! You were so enthusiastic and friendly and adorable when you were Robin! It was fun training with you! Everyone else was a jerk.” His chuckles mixed with his cries and Tim couldn’t tell them apart. “I remember when you couldn’t do a split to save your life, and how excited you were to get to wear the costume for the first time, and how you always used to want to ride on the Bat-mobile with me when we go out on patrols in Bludhaven, and you always tried to sneak up on me, but you couldn’t, and then we’d go out for ice cream before the stores closed. But most of all, no matter what happened or what you went through, you always stayed true to being a good hero. I always admired that about you.” He paused for a moment, trying to collect his voice so he could cooly say, “I want you to know I’m proud of you.”

Tim said nothing and let his tears soak Dick’s shirt.

”If you can’t tell me, at least tell someone. You don’t have to go through this alone, okay buddy?”riting here…