The Other Side

Just that one time.

I sat there in his office. I was so nervous. Nothing made sense and I did not know how I was going to defend it. The data was so messed up. No matter which way I tried, it just contradicted itself. He stared at my laptop sitting on the other side of the desk drumming his right foot impatiently on the floor. It did not help my nerves. His dense frowning eyebrows were knotted in displeasure. His lips twitched every now and then while his eyes hastily rowed over my report. I felt as if an invisible ominous thundering cloud was building up in the space surrounding us. And then, he totally snapped.

“What the hell is this?” he yelled at me shoving the laptop towards me.

“I thought you had this figured out. What is this? Literally nothing makes sense. How can your data be completely opposite in two PARALLEL runs?” What have you been doing? I don’t understand how the hell did you mess this up?”

“I did it exactly the sa-”

“Of course, you did. Sure you must have done everything right? That’s why your correlations have come out so beautifully. You are absolutely not at fault. Huh ...? Am I correct....? I hope I am not saying anything contradictory to evidence.” That stung.

“That’s not wha-” I attempted to defend, but he cut me off.

“I don’t know what ever the hell you mean. You better sort it out before the next week. I want results before the next meeting.”

“But how will I-” I pleaded but he cut me off yet again.

“I don’t care,” he declared.

Nevertheless I tried to convince him that it was impossible for me to deliver what he was asking me to do. But he just got nastier and nastier. And his endless ranting continued.

“No, no, no, this is ground breaking work.” He looked at me, gritting his teeth. “In that, there are no grounds for any rational explanation for whatever it is that we are seeing here.”

I too started to lose my patience with all the mean jibes and insults he kept throwing at me. Regardless, I pulled myself together and started to walk him through the data set, hopeful, that with some brain storming at least some of it will start to make sense. I guess I was lucky that he saw this as an opportunity to fish out more nasty insults at me and thankfully did get into it.

It was like a dark storm that was now slowly simmering down. And very, very begrudgingly he did punch out a few “hmms” of agreement as I continued into this extremely risky endeavor.

Although I was being very careful, yet I could not prevent his occasional bursts of pure fury at me. It was like cooing an angry ram that was just waiting to head butt me out of his office, any minute. And this went on for a while. I don’t know how long I was there. I was so exhausted - mentally and physically by the end of the meeting that I could not bring myself to stand up to leave, but I knew better than that.

In the days that followed, I cannot completely recall how I spent the time. I had this Everest to cross, and very little time and even less of the morale to do so. I slaved through early mornings to late in the night. It must be evident, people during that time kept their distance and I kept mine, this followed at home. I would leave early in the morning whilst he slept soundly beside me and came in late, completely exhausted to just drop dead in an unmade bed for days. My house in complete disarray had started to look like a grubby child grimacing in neglect.

I don’t remember how time flew by, run after run, my data sets slowly started making some sense although some of the values were still outright nonsense. We crossed each other sometimes but I never dared hold his gaze for more than a gazillionth of a second. Even the sound of him talking to other people around me made me really anxious. I desperately wanted to get it all over with and submit the damn report.

Every time our eyes met there was just always something more than, I guess work. Whatever it was, it did not make things better. We would cross each other silently, keeping any dialogue to bare minimum and though we kept our distances, I was always uncomfortably aware of him around me. I didn’t know if he was too. Sometimes it felt as if he did, but people misread these signs all the time. And I was not sure that this rather aware feeling that I had developed around him was just the work stress or something different.

Finally, I had finished my report, somewhat past the deadline but with variances reduced down to a tiny one percent. I came home late that night as usual to find him still working. I changed and went straight into the kitchen which was now a riot for all kinds of pests. Food crumbs everywhere, popcorn packets lying open, a heap of dirty dishes in the sink. I did not have the energy for this. I prepared a small meal for myself right in the middle of the mess that my kitchen was now. I took my sad sandwich in the living room and propped open my laptop to go over my report for the umpteenth time, looking for the tiniest of oversights, re-editing, adjusting the formatting once again. Even though I was spent of all the vital forces that sustain LIFE, sleep did not come easy to me. I kept picturing all possible ways the next day’s meeting could go wrong.

I was scheduled to meet him in the afternoon. I knocked on his door and he answered. “yes, come in.”

My nerves were taut with trepidation about this meeting. I stood by the door with my laptop in my hand, he was typing something on his laptop. He looked all focused, mouthing the words he hammered onto his tiny laptop. Finally, he looked up. I gulped down some air and walked forth to take a seat opposite him. I looked away on pretext of opening up my report since I did not have the courage to look him in the eye. However, I had a feeling his gaze lingered on me still, so I kept looking at my report and adjusted my laptop so that we could both see the screen.

“So…um...so these are the datasets that agree on all but two variables…umm...” I took a pause. I felt that he still hadn’t turned away. Now it annoyed me a little and perhaps it showed on my face. I heard a “hmph” followed by him leaning towards the screen, his arms folded across on the table. I steadied myself, straightened my back, took a deep breath and thought to myself “I got this.”

I blurted out the specifications for the first data sets in one long breath and then waited for him to say something. He did not. He kept studying the figures in front of him quietly.

“Go to the next” he said

And so, I did. He asked a few questions here and there through the length of data and slowly and remarkably amiably we inched towards the end of my lengthy report.

“Hmm.” He spoke. “Good work,” he said nodding his head while looking at me. His face slowly loosening up with a hint of a smile even. Somewhat in disbelief and unsure of whether to let down my guard or not, I struggled there for a minute. And just like that his gaze again became unbearable to hold and I went back to staring at my report, hoping to God I was not blushing because of reasons I did not want to acknowledge.

“So, what went wrong the first time.?” He asked. His tone had changed completely, it had a hint of play and dare at the same time. This was not over. “GOD” I cried to myself in my head.

“I think I overlooked factoring in three of these critical time points, that changed all the downstream variables.” I stammered

“Why did you? If you thought they were important enough for you to include in the test panel the first time, then why did you neglect them so?”

“Um…” how is stupidity explained for, I thought. Why is an explanation ever demanded for it? Its just stupid, that’s all.

“Even though your choice of test parameters was elegant, yet you still ended up wasting whole three weeks on this, just because you didn’t give enough importance to all the parameters, the ones you yourselves chose !”

And he went on for quite some time, illustrating to me how I had been very ignorant and careless with conducting the analysis and so on and so forth.

“You always start out with a lot of enthusiasm, you have such great ideas but somewhere in the middle of it you lose all your steam and make mistakes, negligence and end up in a hole like the one you were in three weeks ago.”

“I am really sorry. I...um… not…. I…. mean... I was overwhelmed with work then and I did try to hastily finish it off and I am…. Um... I do regret doing that. And I won’t be repeating it. I….”

“You need to plan better then and definitely see it through. I really hate pushing people that hard but you left me no choice.” His tone had softened considerably but still carried a hint of warning in it.

“Yes, I understand.” I said.

“Ok.” he spoke as he sank back into his chair. I thought it was finally over and I-could-go.

He was already on his phone on a call and he did not dismiss me yet. So, I sat there silently for the next awfully long ten minutes. I passed my time looking at the ceiling, the window panes, the cornice when I suddenly felt a tap on my hand. I looked at him, he gestured at me asking for a pen. I hastily got one out of my pocket and a note pad to him. He scribbled something on to it. I casually made eye contact and motioned to leave, which he ignored and kept talking on the phone. I was really confused, was I supposed to leave or stay? I felt so stupid again. He suddenly mentioned the analysis on phone. He said it was promising data and that he would be sending it to them right after. I was attentive now. He ended the call and asked me to add a few more details to the report and send it to him.

I turned my laptop towards me and started on it right away. He sank back into his chair, with his arms crossed over his head. The details he asked were taking some time so I thought I should leave and send it to him in another ten minutes. He may have meetings lined up. I looked up but he wasn’t there.

“Yes?” He was leaning over me from behind.

I almost jumped at his voice. “ um…. Should I go back and send you this in another ten minutes. I will need to tabulate it…. In case you have any meetings lined up”

“Nope. Continue.” he looked down at me.

“OK.” I said and I got back to the report. Did he think I was so irresponsible that I would not complete it if I left here? That put a black cloud over my head.

“Um…..wait….here, give a brief summary about methods and reference of the ranges for your prime test parameters. And, you need not talk about the machine details here. We will send them raw file for one of the runs.” He said leaning over.

I began to follow his instructions when he interrupted me again, leaning in just a tiny bit closer this time. His right arm crossing by my shoulder rested on the desk close to my laptop. He stayed so. I entered the references and asked “Is that okay?”

He moved in just a little more. “Yup,” he said and straightened back. I was relieved!

Just as I completed everything he had asked me for, he took another call. It was irritating! This was the same person again. I did it unconsciously but I think I folded my arms and sat up straight heaving a large breath. I didn’t mean to get noticed, but I did get. I immediately unfolded my arms as he turned towards me and I quickly looked away. Yup, I was very quickly losing steam. He was going to drill me over it now. I was tired and getting hungry and TIRED and I wanted to leave. Why wouldn’t he let me leave? Why was he dragging this? …Couldn’t he see I am…Wait !… was he intentionally making me stay? And with that thought, all that nervous energy came rushing back to me. I didn’t know if I was overthinking but I did not feel steady anymore.

“OK, let me see.” He walked over and sat next to me, reaching out for my laptop.

I jumped up a little this time. He paused and looked at me with his eyebrows raised.

Nervous as I was, I didn’t know what to say. I did open my mouth only to freeze so. “um nothing I am just cold I guess.” I mumbled. He slowly pulled the laptop towards him looking at me in suspicion. I hate him I thought. I had this weird sense that he was enjoying himself. JERK!!!

“This looks okay. Send it to me.” he said finally satisfied.

“Yeah sure.” I replied as I send it to him.

He got up and started packing. I too got up and closed my laptop. And inside my head I yelled ‘hurray.’

“While they review the report. Can you test out the FT scenarios?”

“Yeah, why not.” I said tucking my laptop under my arm. My short lived elation dying out. I looked down, not because of the erstwhile nonsensical reasons, but because in the last few seconds, I had really come to loathe him as he assigned to me a new deadline within moments of submission of the last one. And to be prudent I did not want him reading that on me.

“And when can I see them?” he paused a moment and continued “tomorrow by three?”

Really why was he even bothering to ask.

“Yeah sure.” I replied, still looking down. A slur of curses ran through my mind.

“Good! So, we will discuss them then and you can do the report tomorrow.” he said.

“Yeah.” I replied and thought didn’t he hate having to push people so hard?

I thought he read my face and skepticism quickly replaced his earlier amiable expression.

“Yes tomorrow. By three.” I assured him and a cruel smile spread across his face.

“Alright then.” With a skip in his step he grabbed his jumper and pulled it over him. I thought I should have looked away which I did not, and he watched me as I watched him. And there it was again, that weird energy that held me captive there.

He walked over to the door and held it open for me. I walked through.

We walked silently out of his cabin. It was weird but I just couldn’t separate my pace from his and neither did he. I finally reached my desk and put my laptop there. To my surprise he stopped too. He turned around and spoke. “See you tomorrow. Have the runs done by then.”

“Yes, definitely.” I replied.

He lingered on a little and then said “Alright good bye” and went away. As I slumped into my chair I finally breathed in a sigh of relief. I had been so wired the last two hours or so. It felt like it would never end.

I didn’t want a repeat so I immediately got back to work and started downloading the data sets. Around six-ish in the evening one of my friends called me, they were headed to a pub and I could definitely use a night off. I wrapped up my work immediately and set off. I reached home all excited, took a nice hot shower and put on a short red dress. I was going to go all out. The painful business was behind me. Armed with my heels and make-up I arrived at this bar. Yup, they were all there already drinking near the far end of the bar.

“I downed a whole mug of beer as soon as I joined them. “Wow I needed this BAD”

“Work stress?”

“Understatement of the century. But yeah.”

“Don’t worry, tonight we just chill.”

“And dance.” Said another

“Or I am just going to drown myself in booze is all.”

“Or that.” Exclaimed one of my friends

As they continued to chat rapidly about the music, complimenting each other’s dresses, observing the gentry I just sat back and enjoyed the warmth spreading across my throat, my arms and my torso. I closed my eyes and rolled my head back on chair. I was so thankful the report business was over. It had been a horrible three weeks. Oh God! I cringed as his face swam back into my thoughts. I had already finished half of it I would be able to finish the analysis by tomorrow. No worries there. I wished I could get him out of my mind. Since I could not do that, I decided to drown him in beer.

As the magical concoction worked its spell on me, I found that me and my friends were now dancing on the edge of the dance floor. There was quite a crowd gathered tonight, which I was suddenly realizing as I did not remember getting up and walking over to the dance floor. But I couldn’t care less. I felt so happy and relaxed swaying to the wonderful music that played on. I had not felt this way for some time. Why? There had been simply no time. I had that awful deadline. And suddenly my frame of vision was knocked over a good forty-five degrees from upright.

“HEY !! Watch where you’re going!” My friend yelled at a group of guys who knocked us over. We both would have fallen if not for one the poles near the edge of dance floor. I came to rest on the pole with my head in my hands because it was spinning more than it should have from the fall.

“God! what jerks.” She said annoyed rubbing her left arm.

“Yeah.” I agreed neither annoyed nor hurt and nor in complete senses.

“You guys okay.” Said a strange voice.

“Yes. Thank you for breaking our fall. Some people are just rude. Thank you.” replied Lara.

“No problem.” Said the stranger again. Oddly familiar voice, I thought. I was resting against the pole with my eyes closed and his face swam back, this time for no reason at all.

“G-O-D I need to get him out my mind.”

“Who are you talking about? You are not hurt, right? My friend asked.

“No, I just wish I can enjoy tonight without being bothered by the thought of him hovering over me like a fucking grim reaper.”

“She’s just a little stressed about her work.” My friend kept talking to this person, who was this? I gathered my balance and thoughts to face this stranger and lost it again as I came face to face with him. As I fell, I flung my arms behind me, reaching out for the same pole, when he stepped ahead and grabbed my arm. It would have been enough to steady me but as the incredulity of the moment took it’s full hold of me, my ankle twisted and I swayed away from him, at which point he stepped forward and locked me in position with his arms around me. My arms shot up barricading me against his chest and my hands grabbed fistfuls of the same jumper he had put on in his cabin.

This couldn’t be happening. All those unspoken, uncomfortable silences between us materialized into his eyes. This time I just could not look away. For the first time I saw his eyes wide open transfixed in some hypnotic trance and it was me he was hypnotized with. He looked so naive in that moment as I stared back rather helplessly. I saw his pupils widen and his eyes melt into flaming crystals spiraling away in some dark abyss, luring me in. He held me there. I felt his grip tighten a little, as my feet struggled to balance themselves in the heels. I freaked out and let slip “Please stop.” The words escaped me before I could vet them. And we came back to reality the loud music suddenly so apparent. I noticed his usual taunting self, replacing that trance like gaze, I had found myself completely lost into a moment ago. Almost immediately a hot burning sensation began to rise at the back of my neck.

“Have you found your ground yet?” He said smiling, though I felt as if he was mocking me. I tried to decide if that was the case.

“Yes..yes…. I think so.” I replied adjusting my feet straight on the ground, which was suddenly such a task for me. And he slowly eased his grip around me and gently rested me against the pole.

“You are welcome.” He said looking intently at me. He spoke so softly but his words felt laced with an intent of insinuating me rather than being just polite.

I replied thank you but I couldn’t really bring myself to look at him or respond to his provocation. It was a dangerous game and I was confident I would lose. He leaned in and then whispered in my ear “It’s alright, you can keep your soul till tomorrow three pm.” That’s when I snapped up in shock and anger, emotions I could not afford to express to him and he had obviously heard me calling him a grim reaper. I somehow managed to hold myself back. Great satisfaction spread across his face as he watched me toil in my emotion and seemingly victorious, he let go of me and walked away.

“What was that?” my friend looking at me aghast. I could read it all over her face as she slowly turned towards me. My angry feelings disappeared very quickly and I felt a sinking hole forming in my chest. I don’t remember what I said to her or what I explained the situation was. I remember making my way to the bathroom, stumbling into an empty stall and sitting there with my head in hands. What had I done? What had I gotten myself into? How did I become this....I flinched as the words swam to my attention, an adulteress, a philanderer? How could I have forgotten about the promises I had already made? And at that very thought, a gut-wrenching pain shot across my body. I was a cheat.

Tonight had forced to me to confront the feelings that I had been lying to myself and I could not run away from them anymore. Even worse was revelation that was dawning upon me fast, that I had probably...fallen out of love with the man I thought I would spend a lifetime with. I had thrown away a decade of love and companionship of a man for another whom I had only known for a year, a man I knew nothing about! With what face was I to go home tonight? How was I going to face the man, who had waited on me for ten years?

I desperately gasped for breath as if a drowning man would, and threw my head against the wall. Tears came flooding as I started to understand that I had been encouraging this all along. Did this mean it was the end of our decade long relationship? And more tears followed.

I think I may have passed out for some time. When I woke up, I was still sitting on the toilet collapsed against the side of the stall. I gathered myself and walked out. I looked at myself in the mirror, what a mess I was!!! I took a tissue from my purse and started dabbing my face. I redid some of my makeup and my hair. I didn’t want my friends to know that I had been crying in the bathroom. As I stared at myself in the mirror, I contemplated my options. Was I the kind of person who would indulge into desires outside the confines of marriage? When I thought about it, it was not like I had not been attracted to other people I just hadn’t let them get to me like this time. Sadly, I wasn’t like him, committed steadfast through and through. Whatever kind of person I was, I wasn’t going to play the part of a helpless eve in this whole thing. I had brought this onto myself and I would see it through, I thought.

As long as I was honest with myself at least, I would survive this. If I simply refused to acknowledge any of it, it might just blow over. If he pressed still, I would quit, which meant I needed to start looking for a job NOW. I felt better, steadier, not like molten clay in his arms from before.

Shit !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All my righteous resolve went up in flames as I relived it. My entire body turning into jelly, all guilt and pain vanished as if it had never been there. I wasn’t sure that my plan to let it blow over was going work at all, if just thinking about what happened tonight melted my resolve like that, how would I brace myself when I actually came face to face with him. I thought it was better to head home, I didn’t have the energy and well, the senses to actually think this through. I grabbed my purse and headed out.

Okay, Okay… just find Lara and get a cab home. That’s it. That’s all I got to do now. I kept talking to myself whilst making my way across the bar to my friends.

I spotted them some fifteen minutes later talking to some guys huddled around a bar table.

“Noooooooo.” I moaned. It was him and his friends. I turned around and wondered if I should take a cab home by myself, was I sober enough??? Oh God!

I stood there staring at the book-my-ride option blinking on my phone, unable to decide, when I heard my name. Lara had spotted me and was calling me. I was so dumb that I could not have moved to a more secluded spot. No! I had to stand right here, in their line of sight.

“Over here. You fool.” Called out Lara.

And that was absolutely correct. Lara was already headed towards me, concerned. “Where the hell were you? We were looking all over the place for you.”

“Yeah! Sorry I think I passed out for some time in the bathroom stall. I was actually coming to find you guys.”

I stole a glance at the guys she was standing with earlier. I saw him, a beer in his hand, talking to one my friends.

“I think I have had too much to drink. I am going to head home.”

“What? its barely even ten, c’mon just half an hour and then we can go.” She was already holding my hand and dragging me to hell, perhaps to present me to the Devil. I am not sure if it was the drinks or just my weak will, I could not resist harder to not to go with her, to not want to see him, to not want to really assure myself if what happened was for real or my own vivid interpretation of something that was just coincidences. I was already there. He was looking at me from over a mug full of beer he drank from at the moment. I looked away and pretended to listen to some chatter between the rest of the party, when all I could think was how close we stood to each other and what had or could happen next. While lost in the reverie I heard his voice, I heard him mention the name of the company we worked at.

Hey, don’t you work there too ? asked Lara

“What?” I asked pretending that I did not hear her properly.

“I think I need another drink. I am going over to the bar. Do you want something.?” I asked Lara while pretending to nurse a headache, hoping she would drop it.

“Um....no I am good.” Said Lara, thankfully she took the hint.

“I could use another beer. Let’s go.” He said

“Yeah.” I replied. My legs turning to jelly. My plan was backfiring. And my mind started racing. It was real, right? I was not delusional. This is trouble big time. What should I do? I turned around and began to head towards the bar. He followed probably. I should get home, I thought. I was not a bad person, but I had severe doubt that if I let this go on, I would not come out of it, as nice as I thought I was. As I reached the bar, I grabbed a stool and planted myself firmly atop it. I was not moving from here until Lara was ready to take a cab home. I thought if I sat here nothing worse could happen, I could not fall, he wouldn’t have to hold me and we both could stay decent enough to deny everything. Good Plan. I was a good person.

“what do you want.” He asked.

“I um, a breezer will be fine.

“um Cranberry.” I said to the bartender.

I saw him pulling a stool and siting next to me. “This is better.”

His arm brushed against mine as he sat next to me. I closed my eyes and looked away, the effort to resist was taxing enough while I was sober, it was going to break me tonight.

“No.” I said aloud biting my lip. Oh God! This was not to be spoken out loud.

“Here you go.” the bartender handed over our drinks. He gave me a quizzical look. I replied thanks or something to settle his inquiries. This was not wasted on my boss.

“That hard, huh?” he asked looking straight ahead of him while sipping his drink.

“Not that easy, is it?” I replied with subtle indignation. He looked at me and his lips cracked into that crooked, cursed, evil possessing smile. I am not sure but I may have let out a tiny minute gasp because I am sure I blushed and had to look away again to hide my shame. My only sad escape was looking away and it was making my struggle with temptation very obvious to him.

“Would it be that bad if you gave in?” he asked, suggestively.

“Yes. It would be. Truly. Are you really that unhinged from your situation? Or you are OK with handling two situations at the same time?” I asked him, allegedly.

I reminded myself that my cheekiness could potentially get me fired. I did not have an iota of idea about him, his motives and such. I needed to be extremely careful.

He was quiet and spoke after a few minutes. “Depends on the situation. Depends if we choose to be a situation and it really turns out to be the kind where we might need to take care of other situations that might get in the way.” he replied

Could we really choose correctly ever then? I wondered. We will always meet people and how many chances could we afford?

“The thing is, I have been in situations that given the time usually resolve themselves. No hinges are threatened. But this particular situation...” he paused to take large sip of his drink....“I... um don’t want it to resolve that way. I can’t seem to bring myself to....well...let it end that way...” He fucking looked away. And my pulse went racing. Why did admitting his weakness make it look little less ‘me too - ish.’ Yup, that was a possibility, I had not thought of it. I was not sure I was an eligible victim, I was not innocent, but there was chance he was playing me, he was playing an opportunity. This realization seemed to cool the embers of the lustful pit seated deep in my corrupted soul.

“You have been in such situations before?” I asked and waited with bated breath.

“Yeah. I have been.” he said smirking and continued further. The nerve this man had.

“I am not someone who....well.....who would flatter people...so don’t expect that. I don’t think such situations won’t happen in future. But I think THIS may not happen in future. You may or may not be a part of my future. And for some reason anytime I try to think of it that way, it leaves me restless.” he said while he slowly shook his head, and his desperation seeped through to me. “I will not attribute anything more or less to it than this. And if I am being honest, knowing that you are trying to fight as hard as I am is driving me insane.” He held my gaze and he must have seen my confidence slip away slowly.......“Is this better?”

“This is not better. This is worse.” I countered. I was panicking and I didn’t want to be around him, I knew I would screw up.

He tried to steady me as I tumbled down from the bar stool, but I was past that. I made a run for it or something like that I was moving away as fast as I could in that state. The exit was blocked with a huge crowd, so I turned left and ran up a staircase that led me to the terrace. I didn’t know if he followed me. I wandered around the entire terrace looking for private spot where I could just breath, breathe all this anxiety and panic away. I finally rested myself against the high grills. I think they were erected to prevent any drunken fools from jumping off. I turned around and planted my forehead against the grills looking down upon the bustling street beneath, it seemed to engage me. I felt quieter. I had this urge to push the grill open so that I could have a good look at the street, may be jump even, maybe it would dissipate the anxious-nervous energy that filled me. I had grabbed the grills with my hands and I think I really did try to push it open.

“Better or Worse?” I heard him. My destiny was written in ruin, so why was I fighting it, I thought. Tiny tears formed at the edges of my eyes. I turned around to face him. I saw him determined; he was serious about this. He was serious about wrecking my life. He stepped closer.

“I am really tired of fighting this, of trying not to think of you. I know you are too and I don’t blame you for trying to avoid it. “

He paused and just looked at me. I knew he was building up a case in his head. I on the other hand, seem to have lost all of my cognitive abilities. I could not run away this time. The only voice in mental parliament said – just do it!!! He was standing right there. All of him. I could make out from his slight movements that he was not doing very well on moral side of things either.

“But I don’t think I can head back down now. I really really don’t want to.” He said.

He was stalling, he was giving me time to cut and loose. He was conflicted too. I felt a wave of relief I have no explanation for, since apparently, I wanted to ‘just do it.’ What a pathetic weak person I was. I rolled my eyes shut in despair at that thought. It must have seemed as if I had given up, like I was there for him to take me.

“Goddamn it.” He cursed.

Now what? I thought and opened my eyes to see him looking at my hand. My bracelet was stuck in the grill which I had been trying to pull free. This is perhaps where he gave in. Panicking never really makes anything easy. As he closed the distance between us, my body froze, and my brain wrestled about taking the right, the logical decision to whether to stay or leave, whether to give in or resist. I did not notice him untangle my bracelet from the grill, he was too quiet. I had lost my chance. He put his arm around my waist and steered me right into his body, my arms instantly pressed against his chest shielding me from him. We looked at each other. I don’t know what he saw in mine but I saw in his eyes, that want, that desire and once again that trance like gaze. It had some innocent quality to it, which kind of acquitted the situation of any guilt. And we kissed. His arms tightened around me like a python engaging his prey, slowly exacting what was due the wait. My hands ached to caress his neck and comb through his hair but I couldn’t, I was terrified. Kissing him felt unreal addictive, too good to be true. I feared if I let him have his way with me and I would never stop coming back for more. His lips felt so different, he tasted different. DIFFERENT!!!!!

An alarm went off in my head. I stopped and somewhere far away rusted ratchets began rolling, dragging me out of this utopia and the gravity of the situation burgeoned upon me. And most unwillingly I tried to push him away, but it was really very late, I had already crossed over to the other side, past the point of no return. I think it angered him and in response to it, he pushed us both into the grills behind us and kissed me hard, his fierce thirst consumed me, overpowering my dying attempts to distance us. Torn between desire and my conscience, I now knew what hell was like. He slowly slid down my neck leaving a trail of burning kisses and settled between my neck and the shoulders, to torture and punish me ever more. I continued to put up a very futile fight to free myself but all my attempts just egged him on even more. His hands moved around my back and my waist. Soon I felt his impatience with my dress, his hands were now making their way to my zipper.

“Stop.” I pleaded and pushed against him, with all the strength I could muster. It must not have been nearly enough, as it just seemed to momentarily dislodge him only to inflict the same torture on the other side while his hands were decidedly fiddling around my zipper. As the situation was getting desperate, I had to free my arms which I had put between us, as the last resort. And as soon as I moved my arms to stop him from unzipping my dress, our bodies collided and mine completely melted into his. It was a battle won but a war lost situation for me. I knew what victors made of prisoners of war, slaves to their whims, and I truly, deeply wanted to be his. I bit my lip so hard at the thought I almost drew blood. As much as a part of me, or rather most of me, wanted to revel in this lustful moment, this was now or never.

“Let go of me now…” I begged, which he completely ignored and continued sucking my neck like a honey bee on flower full of nectar. He grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled away so more of neck was exposed and I almost cried

“…I can’t…..I have someone…” I was drowning here and in my last breath I cried out….STOP!”

His grip tightened painfully around my arms holding me still and then he stopped. He was panting and perhaps irritated with me but he conceded begrudgingly.

“I have to go.” I said looking up to him

He rested his arms on the grillll behind us barricading me from moving, his head hung in front me in exasperation. He looked up in a few moments, madness and hunger evident on his face.

“Why?” he asked me.

“I have someone waiting at home.”

“And where were they until now?”

“In our knowledge, just being ignored, I believe. I can’t go on.”

“And yet this happened. There must be some reason.”

“I could ask you the same questions. But I am not. May you shouldn’t too. You are a great guy to work with. But I am afraid nothing more can happen.”

My resolve slowly strengthened. I started feeling I could say no and leave. My eyes did not waver this time. He kept looking at me, to perhaps break me or whatever, that moment had thankfully passed. I was decidedly leaving. I felt a sudden softness in my whole stance and I said “Goodbye”

I saw the resignation on his face and he let me go. I walked away and never looked back. I found Lara completely drunk. I called out to my other friends to tell them we were leaving. They came with him and his friends and somehow it was agreed that he would drop me and Lara home. We hauled Lara into his car and drove first to Lara’s. We were quiet the whole time. We just continued driving in silence breaking it only when he asked and I gave any directions. We arrived at her house to find her husband waiting in the porch. He thanked us and took Lara inside. We got back in the car I told him the address and we drove in silence once again. How could I have let this happen? Was I not happy? Was my life so empty that I was unable to stop myself from crossing over to the other side without even the slightest concern of the life I already had. Perhaps the one I had been taking for granted, a relationship left neglected. I promised myself silently that without the answers for these questions I would not take this any further neither with him nor in my thoughts. And I hoped to God it was just this one time!