Sleeping With the Frenemy

I first divorced at 36 years for the same old reason; mom-in-law’s interference and a husband more loyal to his mother than his wife who gave birth to our two healthy children. I find it quite amusing yet grossed out now to think how we did, with his mother sharing our bedroom! That is a story for another time.

I was very clear not to marry again and to enjoy my life to the fullest. My daughter of around 3 years lived with me, and my son, 12 years at the time decided to live with his father who is well to do, earning a 6-figure salary. My son was aware that I could not cater to his every demand as I then just began my career, as a junior-level executive, after being a housewife for over12 years. Kids can be quite canny, and he was almost a teenager.

My career graph was moving upwards. I kept jumping jobs, kept moving for better prospects, and I had to ensure that I had a better standard of living for my daughter and me. My daughter’s father, who was instructed by the court to pay for her maintenance decided to back out on that and I was not interested to go back to the court (He had warned me that he would pay nothing if I went ahead with the divorce. So, I was not at all surprised when he did).

After a few years, I registered on a dating site and met a few men online who just like me, were divorced and trying their luck a second time. I met this one fun person - he too did not want marriage as he had a 26-year-old son and did not want him to feel insecure. This was great! Exactly what I wanted. We hit off well. He was an unattractive person; Obese and had quite a few ailments to his credit. His physical condition did not matter to me, as I was interested in his personality rather than his looks. I am not a bad looker myself. It is important that you know this, it will make sense as the story unfolds.

I was now about 40 yrs. and was seeking for that one break which would somersault me to a new level financially, as I had to buy us a home (to complete my divorce proceeding quickly, after child support was decided I immediately asked for a divorce without alimony). To meet my goal, I was now looking for opportunities abroad. I gave a couple of interviews, but they did not work. Of course, I was better off from where I had started at 36, but I still had to buy a home in Mumbai, my daughter’s education to be considered, and of course I wanted to retire with a good amount in my kitty to live a decent retired life. So much to achieve and so little time!

Now this person who was a ‘very good friend’ mentioned to me that someone whom he knew was looking for an Assistant abroad and asked if I was interested. Duh… interested???

I applied for the job and got selected and the offer was so good that my eyeballs were the shape of the currency that I would be earning. I was in seventh heaven! I could picture my own home, my daughter graduating from a reputed college and my comfortable retirement all in one go. All that I had wanted in life was within my reach now.

Within a month, I had to join the new company. I was so excited, and my ramble was about how happy I was and how happy my young 10-year-old was, it went on, and on and on! I of course thanked my dear friend for his help. But didn’t realize that my friend was far from being happy for me. He did mention that he would miss me! Aww, such a dear friend.

What happened next was a jolt from the blues! He proposed to me and said he wanted to marry me and could not imagine us living in two different countries. I obviously, refused! I reminded him of what we had discussed at the beginning of our ‘Friendship’. But he said things had changed, and he wanted to marry me. He was willing to give up his job as a teacher in Mumbai and join me. I told him that I had my liabilities and was not interested in taking on an added one, as he did not have a job in the country that I was moving to. He said he would find a job and started applying for jobs there. He promised that our living costs in the Middle East would be split equally. I told him that I was still not interested in marriage, and I gradually saw the change in his behavior – from a sweet dear friend he became an arm-twisting blackmailer! Oh, did I tell you by now he knew how much salary I would be drawing abroad?

He matter-of-factly told me that if I refuse to marry him, he would tell his friend who offered me the job, to take away the offer as this job interfered with our “friendship”. I tried to talk sense to him by telling him that marriages do not survive such arm-twisting tactics. But he was clear that he would make this marriage work and I need not worry about it. To discourage him, I also told him that I would never live with him in his parent’s home after marriage. He lived with his mother, son & brother in his parent’s home which he had inherited. I also told him that I would not go to his house on the wedding day. He agreed to all my conditions!

A very disappointed me.

I was tempted to talk to my new employer about my predicament. I weighed the pros & cons, of my discussion with the new employer. I was not certain of the kind of friendship my new employer and my ‘Friend’ (let’s call him “Frenemy” from now on) shared. I was very apprehensive and embarrassed. I am old school and did not believe in taking my home issues to the office. What would my new employer think of me? She did not even start the job and here begins the drama and nuisance value, I thought.

I had resigned from my old job, and they had already hired someone else in my place, so I could see no hope of getting my old job back. I also realized that my Frenemy would not hesitate to inform my Ex that I was leaving the country with my daughter in my mother’s care and instigate my Ex into taking custody of her. Though my Ex did not pay child support, I knew from experience he would do anything in his power to mess up our lives.

I had promised my daughter that I would take her with me once I settled with my job. And in the meantime, I promised her she would spend all her vacations with me, or I would come to India to be with her. I could not bear to lose my daughter or the job! What do I do?

“If you can’t beat them, join them”.

I had read this quote somewhere and it made sense to me then. So, I agreed to marry him, we were married a few days before my departure. Frenemy also got a job offer in a reputed school. Things were falling in place! Was I not getting unnecessarily worried?

I joined my new organization abroad and Frenemy followed me after 15 days. I pretended to be a happily married woman and tried to enjoy marital bliss.

My new husband – Frenemy started dictating the do’s and don’ts, all expectations from his new bride! No going out with friends, get home and cook lavish dinners for hubby dearest, wake up early and make a big box full of sandwiches for hubby dearest and his colleagues, the clothes that I wear should be closed neck and long sleeves, should not talk to male colleagues. Having male friends is a strict no-no. He would get upset even if I spoke to his cousins! He would often joke that since we are in the Middle East, I should be wearing an Abaya (Burka). He would feel insecure even when I wore a saree! He said I was showing my body to others, and that I was naive and didn’t know how other men look and think! Come on, I was a 40+ woman! Not a teenager. All this started within a month of our marriage.

He displayed extreme possessiveness. It was because he loved me so much, he said. I had never experienced such extreme behavior before. I ignored it, excusing him as we were just married, he was being overly possessive. I once traveled to India alone, he tracked my flight and called me as soon as I landed. He then started instructing me what I should do and that I should call him as soon as I reached home. After I reached home, I was busy catching up with my daughter & mom, I did not call him immediately as instructed. He called me again to check why I did not call him. My daughter and mom could not understand why he needed to call me so often.

My organization would have employee engagements with dinner and music or picnics, it would upset him if I went for these programs. I started feeling suffocated and miserable in this marriage. I decided to ignore him and went for these programs as it was important that I network with my colleagues. The female group in the office would go for all girls’ outings or would invite me to their homes. This would upset Frenemy - he would frequently threaten me that he would tell my boss-his friend about my behavior and how this is messing our marriage. So, I started taking him along with me on such outings and insisted with my friends to include family members in such outings, they were kind enough to oblige. Gradually, I started declining invitations from my friends, it was getting quite awkward as I could not take him everywhere and stopped going to office programs.

I was trapped. I did not want him to discuss our home or marriage with my boss - his friend. I gave in to all his demands. I would also pay for his personal expenses as he had a personal loan in India. His salary was diverted towards his loan taken for his son (I had no idea about this before our marriage). For the first year, Frenemy lived in the Middle East at my expense, he never thought much of it - as he thought it was his right as I was his wife. Since schools enjoyed a lot of public holidays, every time there was a long weekend, he would make me book his ticket for India, claiming he missed his home (more than 4 trips per year!). I would argue with him that, I too miss my young daughter, and I did not travel that frequently to India. We have come here to earn & save for a better living, not for lavishness. We could instead clear off his loan. This would lead to fights, wherein he would say, “Are you that hard-up for money that you can’t spend for my ticket?” He would carry loads of gifts for friends and family every time he went to India. He would also bad mouth my young daughter. He would threaten me at the drop of a pin.

My boss’s wife was a difficult person. I would confide in Frenemy regarding the problems I faced in office with her. I had no idea he was a snitch. I always thought that we had teething problems as it was not even a year that we were married, little did I know that he was tale-telling everything I spoke at home to my boss’s wife, as they were friends. Little did I know that the problems I faced in office were all his doing.

At one point, we had a heated argument and I told him I wanted a divorce, and all hell broke loose. He called my colleagues, my boss, my family, his friends & family telling them that I have asked for a divorce. He also went to the extent of saying that my young daughter is the reason for our problems and my money is the reason why I am behaving like this and that I had forgotten how I landed this job. And just like the way he had influenced in me to get this job, he could also take it away.

Later, he told me that he did speak to my boss and his wife and had begged him to throw me out of my job! Frenemy informed me that my boss – his friend told him that he could get rid of me only if I resign or make a mistake.

I was aghast, as this man who is my husband, cared very little about me or my young daughter, he had no qualms to destroy mine and my dependent’s life. My boss-his friend later did tell me that if I made a single mistake I would be out of the company. I was very upset and nervous about the whole issue. I knew what this meant. I lived under tremendous stress trying to not make any mistakes.

My Frenemy told me I need to change my way of thinking & behavior, and everything would be fine!

Really? I needed to change the way I behaved. I had no friends; he has isolated me completely. In the office, my boss’s attitude towards me changed. I decided to try and make this marriage work as I did not want another divorce. I was embarrassed, I was afraid of how that would reflect on my character. I was afraid that my daughter would be affected by this.

I compromised and did all that he expected of me. After about 2 years, I decided to bring my daughter to live with me. Her father gave her the NOC and she could join me. Things were fine as I had stopped going out and was at home, cooking & cleaning for him when I was not at work. At this point, I had stopped confiding in him. He would ask me why I did not talk to him the way I use to, I would simply smile and say there was nothing to say. Things were fine superficially; he would constantly message me to ask where I was and what I was doing (even when he knew I was in office).

After a year of my daughter living with us, I told him that we need to look for a 2bhk apartment, as she was growing up and needed her own space. All these years I have been paying the rent and told him that we need to split our expenses completely. After our first fight, he had started paying a small part of the home expense. I would pay the rent (which is a big chunk) and of course expenses with regards to my daughter and me. But when I suggested we take a bigger apartment and split the rent, he was furious. He said he could not afford to pay the rent. And if he had to pay any more money than what he is already paying, he would leave the house, I didn’t say anything about that. He also said we need to split in the ratio of 2:1 towards the expenses, as my daughter and I were two and he was one.

After a few months, he mentioned that his son who was married by then was demanding a share in the property. His son was very upset because of our marriage and had stopped talking to him. Hence, my Frenemy said it’s best we divorce as he does not trust his son and did not want me getting hurt in any way as he loved me so much! I agreed to the mutual consent divorce, I was relieved that this was his idea. He resigned from his job towards the end of the year and planned to go back to India, to make amends with his son and family and inform them that he intends to divorce me, and I was no threat to their property as we will divorce with no give or take. He had asked me to lend him Rs. 2 Lacs as he had to transfer one of his properties to his name. I refused to give him any money where his property was concerned as this had nothing to do with me and I was not sure when he would return the money, Frenemy’s mother was very upset because I refused to give him money as he is my husband.

Before we were married, he had told me that his assets are rightfully his son’s, and I will have no share in them. Likewise, if I buy any property, he will have no share in it. He had borrowed big sums of money from me as he was in the habit of resigning from schools within a year of joining. By this time, he had resigned from 3 schools. He would get involved in petty politics of the school and when things went south, he would resign. During such a time he met a person who promised him a job if we paid in advance the expected salary (it was an inflated sum, 3.5 times the salary of a regular teacher), Frenemy made me take a loan to bribe this person for the job that did not materialize. He did pay me back after constant follow-ups in small amounts and it took him more than 3 yrs to repay me.

As he had decided to leave for India, I extended my apartment contract and continued living in the 1 BHK apartment.

During the period after Frenemy left for India, about 4.5 years into my job, I made a mistake and was certain, that the company would ask me to leave. Normally, for such mistakes, the company issues a warning letter and if there is another mistake you are then asked to leave the company. I was issued a warning letter and told to leave. I was fortunate to have 2 bosses at that time, so my 2nd boss came to my rescue. From that point onwards I was relieved of my duties with my 1st boss-his friend, and I continued with my 2nd boss.

The 1st boss is still trying to get me out of the company, as he is one of the top officers in the company, he has ensured I do not get promoted. People who had joined during the same time as me, have received 2-3 promotions and I am still at the base level after all these years.

After Frenemy had gone back to India, he called me to tell me that he does not want to live in India and will be back as India is too dirty. I was surprised with his excuse of why he did not want to live in India! The man lived in India for more than 50 years of his life and now suddenly found India not livable! He wanted to come back to live with me!!

I told him that he cannot come back to me as we have discussed divorce and I don’t want him back. He was stumped. He told me that I am a bad person, and he did not expect this from me, I have treated him unfairly! I realized then that he wanted to divorce me and wanted to continue living in my house here in the Middle East. But I stood my ground and told him that he was not invited back into my home.

He did go about telling all his friends and family that I was a bad person and threw him out of the house. That I am an ungrateful wretch, he could not threaten me with my job anymore as my 1st boss – his friend was no more my boss. When I did get to know from one of his contacts about my unfairness to him and that I should not have thrown him out of my house. I confronted him and asked him why he told them that I threw him out, and he had the audacity to tell me that it was the truth as I had asked him to leave. So, I told him “Why didn’t you tell them that you wanted a divorce and hence I asked you to leave”, to that he said, “you tell them your version, I told them mine”. So here is my version for all to know.

Frenemy and I are superficially cordial with each other. He is now back in the Middle East on his own and in the singles pool trying to trap other women. Though we are still to apply for a divorce, he had met another woman the age of his son. He was keen on marrying her and was pushing me to go to India asap to file for divorce as he wanted to marry the new lady at the earliest, I was clear I could not go as and when he wanted me to. Later, he told me the relationship didn’t take off and is now on the lookout for another suitable lady. All the best to him and my prays are with whoever he meets.

I don’t regret a single day of my life after getting rid of this toxic relationship of 5yrs, it was one of the best decisions I have made. I am at peace with myself and have achieved most of my goals. My family, especially my daughter has been very supportive and is very proud of me.

What more can I ask for?