Miscellanea

Retraining your brain is an exhausting experience. For an overthinking mind, it can feel like an impossible adventure.

Have you stood in a crowded room feeling so small and empty? The walls closed in, stealing each breath inhaled.

Family and friends laugh and joke about the memories you once craved to hear. Now they settle into the background of what exists in life.

Now you hear the sounds of people you’ve never met or voices telling you to stop.

“Don’t do it. You can’t do it." They tell me.

Your body shows your hand as the life itself pulls the strings like a marionette.

I smile at my sister as she continues to tell a story about her daughter and nod to my brother when he opens his arms for a hug with such warmth. He gives me a settled place to remind me it’s ok. The moment is short-lived and I have to standalone, grasping at what’s left.

My mother’s eyes glisten at the sight of the grandkids. My father sings my praise as his backhanded comments bring me back to earth.

I can no longer fight the fight and silence is my friend. I am caught in the parallel universe where my emotions pull my body back as my entire world sits just at my fingertips.

My hand covers my heart, keeping it from busting out of my chest.

“I got you. I have you. You are ok.” I say to myself.

I smile not to let on the sheer panic that has settled. How can someone still walk around as the needed breath is pulled from their lungs?

“How is work? How is the family?” They ask.

I run this show like a boss, and every day I am mentally and physically exhausted. Smile so they don’t see the pain. Laugh so they don’t hear my cries. Dance when it becomes too much.

“I’m good! Just super busy,” I have to exclaim with a smile.

I’ve had to learn the hard way that most people in your life are not there to lift the weight. They are there to watch you fall deeper into the water and only want to throw the life vest when they receive credit for what they’ve done.

“I don’t know how you do it all!” They genuinely gesture to the chaos that is my life.

I could say that it did not give me a choice, but in actuality, I was. I do not regret my decision. My only regret was not teaching myself how to cope with the heaviness of the world.

When it all seems to fall apart all around me and I can’t quite make it through the day, it’s the text of a friend that is so simple and small. It brings me contentment with a pillow of support. We do not talk every day. She doesn’t know everything that is happening, but she appears when I need it the most.

“I am proud of you.”