Selena

It started as a party, but slowly everyone had to go home. Only Selena stayed. I wasn’t the one who suggested she stayed the night, but I guess she still took it as an invitation from me. We sat in bed next to each other, closer than I would have liked. I never really understood why people treated the first time like it mattered so much more than any subsequent times, but in this moment, it did seem like a pretty big deal.

“Do you want to borrow something to sleep in?” I asked, because maybe I was misinterpreting the entire situation. Maybe she was just tired and didn’t feel like going home. Maybe the flirting throughout the night had really been platonic friendliness. Maybe it was just convenient to stay the night, and she wasn’t actually expecting anything at all.

“No, I can just sleep in this.” She flashed a sweet, innocent smile as she stripped down to her underwear. I suppose I was meant to do the same.

My friends all gave me knowing looks as they left. It was obvious they knew what was going to happen here. It was obvious what they were going to ask me about tomorrow. And it was obvious that this was all supposed to be a good thing. Everyone I knew was either actively trying to lose their virginity or had already successfully lost it. At some point I’d have to lose mine too, and I guess that time was now. I figured it could be worse. Selena was pretty, at least.

She started to kiss me, and I felt nothing but dread for what was coming next. She touched my body and I tried to touch hers. It just seemed awkward, almost foreign, but it shouldn’t have. This was exactly what I was supposed to do. This is what I was supposed to want to do. Teenage boys slept with teenage girls. It was as simple as that.

The sound of the door opening caused her to pull away, and I tried not to feel relief. My roommate walked in, seemingly oblivious to what we’d been doing. I’d never been so grateful to have to share a room with someone.

Selena chuckled and glanced at me out of the corner of her eye. My roommate prepared for bed, ignoring the presence of a guest.

“We should probably…not…” I struggled to string the words together, but Selena knew what I was trying to say.

She smiled, interlocking her fingers with mine. “Another time.”

I fell asleep with her head on my chest, amazed that I’d managed to avoid the inevitable, at least for one more night.

Or at least that’s what I thought.

I felt her weight on top of me as I woke, barely even able to pull my eyelids apart. It was dark, still nighttime, and I could barely process what was happening. I thought maybe I was dreaming.

No. This was happening. She was straddled over me, with her lips pressed against my own and her hands running all over my skin. I held my breath as her hand slid underneath my waistband.

“You like that?” she whispered.

What was I supposed to say? No? How could I explain that I didn’t want this beautiful girl to touch me in ways that every teenage boy was expected to want? So instead, I nodded. And she continued. And I shut my eyes and waited for it all to be over.

I can’t imagine it was good for her self-esteem to hear me vomiting afterwards. Hopefully, she just assumed I’d had too much to drink. I didn’t want her to take it personally because it wasn’t personal. It was one of those rare situations where “it’s not you, it’s me” would be an accurate statement.

I sat there kneeling next to the toilet, sobbing. The whole experience just kept replaying in my head. I thought about all the things we did together and all the moments when I wanted to scream for her to get away from me. And I thought about how much I wanted to scream right then and there.

I wanted to scream because something was wrong with me, because I was different from everyone around me, because I didn’t like what I was supposed to like, because I clearly wasn’t a real man, because I would rather be dead than be this broken.

I hated myself in that moment.

I went to my friend’s room the next morning. We were all supposed to meet up later, but I wanted to see just him for a little while.

I couldn’t even begin to tell him what happened before I burst into tears. I knew it was a terrible idea. Crying in front of your friends was just begging to be ridiculed, but I couldn’t help myself.

He hugged me. He didn’t laugh or say anything about how pathetic I was. He didn’t even make me explain myself. He just held me close, close enough that I could feel his heartbeat, and he told me that everything was going to be alright. He said that no matter what was wrong, he would be there for me. While I sat there in his arms, I felt safe. I felt happy. I felt like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

And I wondered if this was how it was supposed to feel with Selena.