Chapter 1
Today's the day that Daniel killed himself, one year ago. My parents woke me up this morning saying we were going on a road trip to spend the day as a family. Their trying to distract me from what today is. They act like. I don't even know, they're so concerned about how I'll react to the memory of him, that no one talks about him when I'm around.
He was my best friend, they're barley any pictures of me that doesn't have him in them. They used to be hanging all over the house, but now they'll all in a trunk in the attic.
"As soon as your dressed we'll leave." My mother tells me.
I smile at her, a fake smile that I've gotten used to giving people. "Alright I'll be down soon." She smiles back at me, but it's not the same as her regular smile. This smile tells me that she's sorry that I can't be happy. I'm sorry too, I wish I could be happy, if only just to make everyone else feel better. I just,.... Can't.
My parents made me start seeing a therapist about four months ago. What they don't know is that I stopped seeing them two months ago. After getting dressed, instead of going downstairs I climb out the window. Using the nearby tree to climb down. Before I walk to my car, parked in the shared drive way of my house and Daniels, I look up to see his mother on the porch.
We make eye contact, and neither one of us move. We just stand there, looking at each other for what felt like hours, but what was in reality only a few seconds. Then she stands up and walks back into her house. I stand there a moment longer before snapping out of it and walk towards my car. My parents will most likely realize that I snuck out the moment I start the car.
I smile remembering Daniel, and when we would both sneak out and go to our spot. A place only meant for him and me. We had found it when we're were kids. Him and me had decided to run away in protest of our eight O'Clock bed times. It's about eight blocks away, am old club house that had been built and forgotten long before we had ever found it.
Normally I would have just walked there, but they've recently started a construction project a few blocks from here. Turning the eight block walk into a fifteen block detour. Their building a whole housing community. I haven't been to our spot since the day I found out Dani died.
I finally decide to start the engine and back out of the driveway. Not even a full minute later my phone rings, and I'm guessing my parents now realized that I ditched them. I smile, a genuine smile. I don't know why, but something about defying their plan on distracting me, just makes me feel unbelievably happy. It strangely makes me feel normal again.
I finally reach my destination, and park the car by the curb. Getting out and wondering the twenty or so feet it takes to enter the woods before coming across Dani's and my club house. We were here right before it happened, he had arranged a whole day for us to spend together. At the time I thought he was just being romantic, I hadn't realized he was trying to say goodbye.
I enter the small, almost falling apart wooden structure. Taking a seat on the "couch" which is made up of couch cushions we had stolen from our houses, and blankets and pillows. No one knew about our special place, and that's what made it so special.
As I look around at the collected objects from over the years; Dani's skate board from his skater phase. My rock collection from my geology phase. Dani's sports trophies, my academic awards. Dani's acceptance letter to his dream school. The next thing I know, I'm crying, and I can't stop.
An hour later, I'm just laying down, looking up at the ceiling, that has a few holes here and there. I do this some times, I'll start crying and then I'll just stop, and it's as if I feel nothing. Like I've gone numb, but then I'll think about how sad it would be to not feel. So then I start to cry again, until eventually I just can't anymore.
This time though, it's like an idea was sparked. Suddenly I stand up, searching through the small cabinet that Dani had kept a few items in, I pull out the lighter fluid and the matches. Sometimes we would have a camp fire, but that's not what I'm going to use them for today.
I pour the lighter fluid on everything I can think of, before leaving the small shed of a club house. And for a moment I stop to think about what I'm doing, but only for a moment. Because I'm reminded that I'm not only sad about Dani's death, but angry too. I'm angry that he left me, I'm angry that he didn't try to share with me what he was feeling, and most importantly, I'm angry that I didn't see it. With that last realization I light the match and flick it towards our special place.
Somehow, watching it burn makes me feel better. Maybe it's because this is my way of moving on, or maybe because this way, no one else can ever have our spot.
I'd burn everything down just to have him back.
