One week away from you
Dear Diary.
Monday, A 14. 00:00am
Its been a week since we moved away from you. It feels so empty, dad has been working as hard as he can to give us everything we need. Its been so hard for us all, i just wish we could all go back and change the way everything was, but we can't.
Brother has locked himself in his room. He won't come out, he won't eat with us. I can hear him cry at night, it breaks my heart. He only comes out at night when we are asleep. He usually watch some movies after in the living room. But sometimes he gets angry and sad while watching knowing the character gets something he wished he could have. Something they have that we don't, something that we need unless we will be broken forever.
Sister hasn't talked to us in a while. She moved away, she had an argument with dad before she left. All i know about her is that she is suffering from depressjon, locks herself in her house and ask her friends to go to the store for her.
My friends are also diffrent. They are scared of hurting my feelings all the time, everytime someone says "your mom" they start saying"Oh do you know what she has been through!" "Stop saying that to her!" "Your gonna hurt her feelings!" They make me feel terrible! They keep reminding me im hurt, that im broken! That you're not here anymore...
The only person i can talk to this about is my therapist. Shes really kind and sweet, she plays these games with me thats supposed to make me accept my feelings, feeling like its okay to talk to you, that i can accept the past, that its not my fault. Because of her im also very good at manipulating people.
I can feel people staring at me at school and whispering. My friends start to feel "guilty" and "sad" for what happened, but the funny thing is that they all have a perfect family. Not broken like ours, they say they know this is hard for me. But they know nothing what we have been through. I don't want their pity, i want everything to be normal. But they have to ruin everything, every time i talk to someone they say "Oh i'm so sorry for you, if you need something you can talk to me." But they don't care! They just want the attention from the others so everyone can see how "Kind" and "Nice" they are, but in reailty they don't give a shit!
It started getting a bit harder to focus in class. My female teachers started to being very soft on me, they tried their hardest to not be mad and when they did they told me to go in the hallway and that i should wait. Its just so diffrent, its like im not me anymore...I cant believe something so broken can get so big like someone hit me in the head with a hammer. I just feel like i cant live like this, it breakes my heart to know its not gonna change from this. My dad thought about moving, but work needs him.
Its so unfair, people move and they think its the end of the world. Like yeah you're gonna miss your friends or your how "popular" you were. But think about it, you get a whole new start no one knows who you are. You can go from the quiet kid to the class clown. Just because you moved away. Its so unfair, if i could move. No one would pity me. It would be normal again, new teachers, new rules, a fresh start and no one would know im broken. Like im perfect again. Perfect family, perfect grades, perfect looks, perfect everything.
But now i just wanna cry and be in my bed all day long. I wanna cry so badly but nothing comes out of my eyes. It really hurts knowing your gone..
But i need to understand other people are suffering too, its not just me. I need to stop being so selfish, i need to stop being like this. I want to be a person someone can look up to, and think "Oh she's so perfect." But no one will look up to someone so broken like me. No one understands i need to be perfect again. I need to! Or else everything i did was for nothing, and many people suffered for the cause of me. I wont let them down, not now.
I at least have someone i can trust at school. He's so perfect, hes so easy to talk to. He listens to me and helps me. His name is Max and hes to beautiful to look at. Hes also very smart and kind, people think hes just out for my population or my body but hes like home to me. Hes so perfect, he has a nice personality, hes funny, hes smart and i love him with all my heart. But hes been talking with this one girl named Jenny.
Jenny is very nice i guess. I wish i couldnt hate her, we would have been good friends but now, we like the same guy. Jenny is Max's girlfriend, and Max has told me about their issues. He wants to break up with her and that makes me happy but then i have this feeling in my heart, like the whole in my heart got a bit deeper. I have been defending Jenny a lot when he tries to talk bad about her. I just feel so bad for her when he talks about her like that. And when shes so nice and kind, i keep telling Max but he tells me that i dont know her that good so i dont know how bad she is.
