Stories about love

tw // ghosts, death, and self ha

“I used to have all of you, but now I’m left with none of you.”

If only I knew that I was killing you, I would’ve told you goodbye forever. In the dead of night, you will always be the one I think about— haunted by your presence forever lingering everywhere I go, the echo of your voice that I would probably never hear again, and the soft smiles and kisses that I used to hate but now all I ever missed. The things that remind me of you are now the things that I always do, tell me how to forget you when everything I did was told by the ghost of you.

See, everything ends for a reason and I am perfectly okay with that if you just told me. In my lifetime, I am always the one burning bridges but why did you cut me off when I was willing to stay there with you for good? Is it really hard to voice out what has been slowly eating you alive? Or was I never good enough to be told? Would I have not understood? Or you just never told me because it was all my fault?

You know how much I hate rhetorical questions. I hate it when they ask questions they already know that cannot be answered. I hate it when I ask questions when I already know that it can’t and will never be answered, it’s just something I can’t accept. You, leaving without a goodbye somehow left all my questions rhetoric— it just felt like words coming out of my mouth that I know I will never have closure for.

When was the last time I saw you with your brightest smile and your sparkling brown eyes? I would’ve given everything to say the answer is today. But truth cuts me like a dagger every time because I didn’t see it today, and I will definitely not see it sooner. Ever since you left me without a word, all I ever knew was pain. It was pain filled with regrets and hoping— regret of the things I didn’t do when I had the chance, and hoping to do the things that I didn’t do if given the chance.

What was your train of thought before burning the bridge that goes from “you” to “I”? Did you think I would be better off without you? Did you think you would be better off without me?--- As you were planning, scheming, and packing, did you ever think of me? Did you think of my life after you? Did you also foresee how I would cope? Or none of these, because as you were leaving, you never thought of me? I knew you would say that I am so self-centered to ask you if you ever included me in the plan of you leaving, and I would have given a lifetime just for you to say that to my face. But it’s not going to happen because you were gone with the traces and proofs that along in this somewhat chaotic concept of time— at some point of it “us” existed. Now, all I have are memories, questions, and a letter from you that’s supposed to give me closure. The letter that I haven’t opened ever since I received it— the day you left, and the day I also found out you’re not coming back.

“Maybe, this is the right time to read it.” says the person standing over a headstone, and the love of their life resting six feet under it. Maybe the time for closure is now, it’s been a year since you’ve been gone afterall.

To: The bridge that always led me to where I needed to be.

In this dreadful moment, I ask for your forgiveness. I grew tired, and I couldn’t leave you on the day when I knew there is no tomorrow for me. There is no way, in good conscience, could I have told you. But you know this was always bound to happen. I’m sorry if you have to find out after the deed was done, but I knew you would do anything and everything in your power to stop me, and I could not have pushed through.

I have been planning this for a while, long before I met you. I knew there is just no way for me to partake in this circus of a world any longer. You know my history, you even joked that I should stop seeing my therapist and just go to you instead. Dread and sorrow slowly kills me everyday and I am tired, I can’t be on this cycle still. Not in this world, not anywhere else. I want to know peace, I want peace. You came into my world and I will admit that the time that I spent with you are nonetheless the happiest moments of my life. You have taught me what joy feels like, but I knew it was never enough to make me stay. I was gone long before you met me, but I was glad I got to meet some pieces of me before I left, because of you.

I wanted to thank you and say goodbye to you in person but I can never bring myself to do it, because I knew when I see you, I would never want to leave. But I wanted you to know that for every waking hour and until my very last breath, I will be thinking about you, us, and all the things you made me feel. You are the first, and the only person to show me what love feels like and I will forever hold onto it.

From the moment I saw you up until the last, I always knew you’re gonna be the death of me. If only I changed my mind and stayed with you here instead, But maybe, in our next lifetime (sa susunod na habang buhay) we crossed paths, this time hold me tight, so I will never leave you alone again.

You are the bridge that always connects me from my own little world to society, I’m sorry you never heard of me for a whole month before my death. I’m sorry the first news you have to hear about me is that I’m gone. I’m sorry you have to wear that very formal cloth that we bought together for my funeral. And I’m so sorry for being selfish, I only thought of my peace not how will you cope after. I hope you find true happiness in this lifetime, and I apologize if I am not with you to experience it.

But know that my love for you would have overcome everything, if I hadn’t been dead long before my death. You have shown me what living is for, and for that on my last days, I will always remember. You are my bridge that led me to everywhere I needed to be, and you were also my broken promise. Somewhat, somewhere we will see each other again, and I will be there to the end, But for now, let me be at peace with my eternal love and the memories with you that I so much cherish.

With love,

Someone that you used to know.

This is what I found unfair, you get to say your goodbye and I couldn’t. The moment I found out, I wanted to follow you and tell you. But I can’t because I knew if you would have seen me, you would have been mad. Are you proud of how I am coping since you were gone? There is not a passing hour that the thought of you never crosses my mind. My love for you is eternal as well, so rest and I will wait for you in the next lifetime. If only I knew that I was the only thing prolonging your life, and keeping you from achieving peace I would have told myself to leave. If only I knew I was the one slowly killing your will to live, I would have said goodbye forever.

This is my promise to you that in every waking hour, you will always be the one I think about— forever missing your presence lingering everywhere I go, reminding myself of the symphony of your voice that I would someday hear again, and regret hating the soft smiles and kisses that I will forever missed. The things that remind me of you are the things that I will always do, I will never forget because until my very last day, I want to be haunted by the ghost of you.