Prologue
Cleveland, Ohio
Emma’s P.O.V.
I can’t breathe as I leave the doctor’s office. I’m only twenty-three. How can I have stage four breast cancer? When he gave me the diagnosis, I was shocked. I thought for sure I had heard him wrong. I just feel numb. What am I going to do?
I get into my car and look at myself in the mirror. I don’t look any different. I still have the same long blonde hair and dark blue eyes I’ve always had. So why do I feel like someone just came in and ripped my heart out? How am I going to tell Katerina? What do I tell her?
Kat and I may not have much, but I work as a receptionist at the district attorney’s office. I make enough to pay for our tiny apartment and keep food on the table, but not much else. Kat is only five and at the beginning of her life. I can’t leave her. She needs me. All we have is each other.
My little girl is the best thing that ever happened to me, even if the circumstances that brought her into this world were tied to the worst time of my life. I have never once regretted my decision to have my daughter. Kat is what has kept me going even during our most challenging times. I start the car and begin driving to her school. It’s almost time for her to get out.
Kat looks nothing like me. She’s my little bundle of energy with long black hair and pale blue eyes. Just thinking about my beautiful girl makes my heart overflow with love. She brings so much light to my life. At age five, Kat is so mature that sometimes I think a grown woman is hiding in her little body.
I don’t know what will happen to Kat if I’m gone. We have no one. Leon is the only person even close to being family. He comes around every once in a while, but I don’t know if I can trust him. Leon’s my step-brother and technically Kat’s half-brother. His dad raped me when I was eighteen and got me pregnant.
My mom died when I was fifteen, and even though there was never any proof, I know that bastard killed her. Malcolm was a monster who beat me and my mother relentlessly. I never understood why she didn’t leave him. If I have my way, Kat will never know the details of what brought her into this world.
As I drive to Kat’s school, the past five years flash before my eyes. I see her as a newborn and then her first birthday. I see her taking her first steps and hear her say Mama for the first time. I need more time with her. I can’t leave her yet, she’ll be all alone. Her sixth birthday is coming soon, and I need to be here. I want to see her go to prom, fall in love, get married, and have children. I want to be a grandma and make cookies for my grandkids.
I pull up to Kat’s school and start crying. I can’t stop thinking of everything I’ll miss. I can’t leave Kat alone in this world. I know there’s a chance treatment will work, but If I die, she’ll be placed in foster care unless I can come up with a solution before that happens. I don’t know what to do.
I hear a knock on the window and jump. Kat is making funny faces at me through the window. I quickly dry my eyes and laugh even as my heart breaks into a thousand pieces. I want to see my baby grow up.
“Mommy, what’s wrong? Why are you sad?” Kat looks at me with worry in her big blue eyes as she climbs into the car’s passenger seat.
“Oh honey, I just got some bad news, but we’ll talk about it later.” I don’t know how to talk to a five-year-old about cancer. Kat reaches over and grabs my hand.
“Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together,” she says with determination. I tell her that whenever she’s having a bad day.
“You’re right. We’ll get through it together. How about we do something special today? Let’s go out for pizza and ice cream.” The look on Kat’s face makes her look older than her five years.
“Are you sure we have money for that?” she asks.
“Yes, sweetheart, we have money for that. Let’s have some fun and forget about our problems for a little while. What do you say?” I smile, knowing it’s not convincing, but she nods.
“Okay, but do you promise to tell me why you were sad later?” I know she won’t let this go. I have to tell her the truth as soon as I figure out how. Kat is extremely sensitive to other people’s emotions. It’s as though she can feel what they’re feeling.
“Yes, we’ll talk about it when we get home, okay?” I reach over, smooth her hair away from her face, and kiss her forehead while my heart breaks.
“Let’s go have some fun,” she says before climbing into the back seat and getting into her booster seat.
I drive to our favorite pizza place. We rarely eat inside because I don’t want to pay for drinks or a tip, but today, we’ll enjoy ourselves for a little while. I order a large pizza, so we have some to take home for leftovers. Kat watches me the entire time we eat but doesn’t ask me what’s wrong again.
After we’re full of pizza and the leftovers are packed up, we walk down the street to the ice cream shop. We both get ice cream cones with double scoops. I can’t help laughing as Kat tries to balance her big cone with her tiny hands, but she’s determined to do it herself. When we get home and the pizza’s in the refrigerator, Kat turns to me with her hands on her hips.
“We’re home now. Why were you sad in the car?” I know that look on her face too well. She looks at me that way when she knows I’m trying to keep something from her.
“Let’s sit on the couch so we can talk, okay?” Kat nods and takes my hand. I lift her so she’s sitting across my lap with her head on my chest. I hold her tight as my tears begin to fall. I never want to let her go.
“I’m ready, Mommy.” My heart breaks even more when I hear the worry in her little voice. She already knows that what I have to say is bad.
“I went to the doctor today, and he had some bad news. He said that I have a disease called breast cancer. What that means is that I may get really sick.” Kat looks at me with tears in her eyes.
“Why are you going to be really sick? Can’t the doctor fix it and make you better?” I kiss her head.
“The doctor will give me medicine, but it might not work. We just have to hope that I’ll get better. The medicine might make me really sick, too. I will try to fight this, Kat. I will do everything I can so I won’t be sick for long.” She starts sobbing against me, and I sob with her.
Time passes as I hold her on the couch. I don’t know what else to say. All I can do is give her as much love and hope as possible until we know more. The thought of not being with Kat as she grows up is too much for me to bear.
I carry Kat to bed and lay with her in my arms. We’re not crying anymore, but the sadness and fear feel like they’re suffocating me. I have to fight this cancer and beat it. I can’t leave my daughter. There is no one for me to turn to for help. Please don’t let me die. I have to be here for Kat.
