Preface
Cassia
Memory
The sun was high in the sky, making staying inside even more unbearable than it already was, though it was far from sweltering. Even so, the air felt thick enough to leave the other kids inside and escape for a while. I ran down the worn path leading to the mountain stream that bordered the highway and my family’s property, seeking a moment to escape the chaos. As I ran, the soft whirl of the water called to me. The trail was steep and wild, familiar enough that I could navigate it at a sprint, even at night, which I had done many times before. This was my safe place, where I could, for a moment, be a kid. The path leading to the stream was nothing special, overrun with tufts of golden fox tails and streaked with the rusty red earth that stained my already muddied clothes. But once I descended the gnarled tree roots, which clung to the hillside, not willing to erode fully, it felt as if I had crossed into another world entirely. The air transformed, filled with the scent of moss and wildflowers and the gentle sound of water burbling over smooth stones. The tall ferns and large-leafed plants were ethereal, and the chilly water was always just too cold, but it was a reminder that heat was worse.
My dirty feet ran faster along the trail, and I climbed down the roots to sit under the large leaves of the plants. My feet burned from the coldness of the stream, helping my mind focus on anything other than the present. I hugged my legs to my chest as tears ran down my dirty, red-stained cheeks and stared blankly into the clear water.
It was quieter here, something I am not used to after the day I had of listening to the adults scream at one another for hours, and I welcomed it as a relief. But even far away, I could hear crashing from up at the house, and I covered my ears to block out the sound. I hope the other kids did as I told them and stayed in their rooms…I only needed a minute to myself, just one minute. It will be okay. But slowly, my guilt came,
“I need to go back,” I told myself to stand up and head back to the house to help the others. My body shook as my parents’ screaming echoed down the hill to collect at the other side of the stream, on the highway that never much saw a car.
This place, though, stayed quieter, like the ferns muffled the screams and crash of the fight. Hearing the sound echo down the road, I collapsed in fear as I sat back down on the bank, hidden by the leaves. My fingers knotted in my curls as I pulled at my tangled dark brown hair while tears sprang from my brown eyes, leaving clean streams down my dirty face. “I need to help them,” I whispered as more tears came, but I couldn’t stand up. “I need to go back,” I cried over and over as a panic attack threatened me. “I need to go back,” I need to go back...
“Back where?” A voice I had never heard asked. I looked around to see if Travis had come to mess with me, but I couldn’t see well in the growing darkness. And it was like the sun was hiding away from me so that the darkness could protect me from view.
“Just sit and wait it out with me,” I offered, expecting Travis to walk out of wherever he was hiding to sit with me, but no one did.
“I don’t really sit in this realm,” the voice murmured with distaste, and I looked around to see where the sound came from again. But I saw nothing and still heard the screaming from the house, so I realized maybe the voice wasn’t real. Great, I must be going insane now, and if that happens, I am no longer a help to the others. I will be as useless and uncaring as Travis. For him being older than me, he doesn’t even try to help with the younger kids.
“If I have gone crazy, I would rather die,” I whispered as a chill, so cold—like pure ice water, ran down my back, making me shiver.
“Do you wish for death often?” The voice asked, and I nodded yes because I might as well talk to myself. Who else would talk to me anyway? “I am not good at guessing ages, but you cannot be more than eight. How sad to wish for death at such a young age,” the voice mused, and I closed my eyes tighter as more tears came down. I knew I must have gone crazy since imaginary people were for little children, and I had never been given the luxury to imagine such a thing.
“I am ten,” I said slowly, and I didn’t dare look around because I was alone.
“You are rather small,” the young male voice said in distaste, and it made me laugh in sadness.
“Well, when it is hard to eat, it’s even harder to grow,” I muttered. Then I felt a warm tingle on my arm, and I looked up to see nothing, but I still felt it. It was a soft, reassuring touch. Suddenly, I heard the yelling stop as a car peeled out of the driveway and zoomed down the bridge that crossed the creek I sat beside. I moved to stand because now I was more scared to be here than be at home. Britney can’t be left alone that long, and I need to check on the others after I have left them in the house with my parents.
“Wait, what is your name?” The voice asked, and I didn’t want to answer because this felt like a very real dream.
A dream I was growing strangely comfortable with.
“Cassia,” I whispered as I ran back to the other kids, and I felt like a shadow was following me.
That night, CPS took us for good, which was a sick blessing in and of itself to now be safe, but in return for that safety, I had the only people I loved taken from me.
For the first ten years of my life, I worried about all my parents’ friends’ kids who lived with us, but we were all split up after that because we weren’t real siblings. I went from caring and bathing, making food for everyone, and keeping us presentable for school to doing nothing. I was in a good home with no one for me to take care of, but it was lonely.
I missed Sara, little Britney, and, on occasion, even Travis. I even missed that old, dirty house with the cool, clean water running down the hill to fill the stream where I found peace.
Covered in ferns and fairy hats, the place where I was safe…
