Part 1
Months of savings, all to get the materials to renovate my trailer house’s crappy bathroom. A month of waiting for that bathtub. The one I ordered at the local department store. It was a find from their online catalogue. I fell in love.
Free-standing, a solid base and eggshell white. It came with the perfect detached faucet with a shower head attachment on the side to get rinsed on the way out.
My partner checked the measurements. It could fit in. At a weird angle, it would take up more than half the bathroom. We had been tiling the floor after taking out the old tub with a showerhead and the whole vinyl flooring. I had already bought the soap holder that would fit into the triangle of empty space.
This was the kind of bathtub dreams are made out of.
The invisible owner of the hand resting on my thigh was in a pondering mood, “I still don’t understand why you waited so long.” They were sitting beside me in the car on the drive to the department store.
“We went through the logistics of it, dear.” I sighed and continued, “Stealing the bathtub from the Lilac inn’s penthouse suite was not an option.”
Their first idea was to swallow it and walk out. But the suite was booked for the whole summer. Even if I was on the waiting list for openings… A tub vanishing while some tourists stayed there would bring too much attention to our little town.
Pretending to be a ghost and haunt the inn would not deter those desperate tourists whose backup was already that inn. Our town was not quite by the sea. Forty minutes from the beach. North-eastern Atlantic beach, full of nasty seaweed covered in flies.
There were more complicated plans to acquire that tub. Like breaking and entering in the dead of night to mess with the plumbing until the suite was put under maintenance. Knock out the plumber, steal the tub and… Have the van disappear and relocate the poor, innocent victim to another country. As if they got kidnapped by aliens. There was no way that would have worked.
“At least I have the tools.” They patted my knee. “Those little things were much easier to steal. I just had to wait until the store was closed and swipe them off at odd angles on the shelves. The security cameras didn’t see a thing.”
“What else have you been stealing?”
“Food at the grocery store.”
“When!?” I gasped.
We could afford food at least!
“You’ve never wondered how I could make these elaborate dishes out of the little ingredients you put at my disposal?”
“I think you might have kleptomania.” I turned out of the main road to the store’s parking lot. “Do you feel the urge to steal things wherever you are?
“When I need them.”
“I’ll make sure never to invite people to the house. I’m afraid they’ll leave without their wallets.”
“Wallets! I didn’t think of that. You always have great ideas my love.”
“No! you are not stealing wallet! We’ll get caught if we use people’s credit cards on online purchases.”
“I was thinking of taking physical cash. Not the full wallets.”
“Anyhow,” I blushed and parked us, “At least the tub will be paid for.”
“We are sorry.” The clerk searched in the system, squinting at his screen. “We had an accident in the warehouse.” Leaning back, he gulped when I grabbed the counter. “The forklift broke the wrapping, and the tub got scratched up pretty bad,” he rushed to add before pausing to figure out how to announce more of those bad news. “Since it was ordered and we don’t have another in store, it could take another month until we get another delivered.”
This would not do!
I had taken my only week of vacation to supervise the renovations. The old tub was already taken out. And those showers with the hose outside could not be extended further into fall.
I leaned in closer over the counter, still gripping the edge of it, “Does it still hold water?”
The poor kid didn’t know how to react, “P-probably. It wasn’t’ broken. But it is scratched. I can offer a full reimbursement of partial if you order another one.”
That was a relief. It could still work as a bathtub.
So, I asked, “Can I still have the scratched one?”
“Ask for a discount,” my partner whispered into my mind.
“On a discount?” I added to the clerk.
“I will need to ask my manager if we can still sell it to you,” he did not appear as hopeful as I wished he was.
Nonetheless I implored him, “Please do.”
We waited at the pickup counter for a few minutes. Until the kid showed up with a man in his sixties wearing expensive ergonomic shoes.
“I heard you still want that tub?” he asked as he walked behind the counter followed by the clerk.
“Yes! I need it.” I said, with a sharp nod. “I need it before the end of the week.”
“I’ll handle it from here.” He said to that kid.
“Are we going to get in any trouble over this?” I wondered, thinking about the legality of the deal we were about to make.
He acted in charge but he was not wearing a uniform.
“Not if you can keep a secret. I’m Karl Peel, I own this store.” Made sense. His name was on the sign outside. “Here is what we are going to do. I’ll give you a full reimbursement. You go to the bank across the street and take out…” he checked the screen. “About five hundred dollars cash. You head to the back pay with that money. We’ll help you load it, and I will write down that it went to the landfill.”
An invisible hand plopped on my shoulder, “I like him!” they were too fond of illegal activities for my liking.
“You’ve got a deal,” I put my hand forth.
In this specific instance, I would one hundred per cent shake the old man’s hand for the crime we were about to commit together.
My tub. I would finally have it!
He shook my hand with a warm smile of a businessman making a win-win deal. Then he asked, “Will you need to rent a truck to move it?”
“I already reserved it,” I assured him.
“Great. Once you have the cash ready, get the key to the truck and drive to the back. I will open the back gate for you.”
“Great.” I repeated after him and we parted ways.
As per his instructions, I waited in the rental van with the cash. Along with the extra-dimensional entity stubborn to be a stay-at-home spouse.
“I feel a little bad I stole from this store. These are nice folks.” My dear hubby was regretful now. Puts the talks of planetary inhalation and world domination into perspective.
“You can always make money magically appear in one of the cash registers,” I suggested tapping the steering wheel with a finger.
“Whose?”
“Cash register?” I did not know the employees here. Who would be the most convenient ones to—
“Whose money?” They clarified.
Oh…
“You could steal cash from people you witness being dickheads,” I laughed. “Give it to people who need it. Robin Hood style.”
“Should I do the same with the grocery store? Slip money in the till as I leave?”
“Make a list and I’ll buy the stuff.”
“But it won’t be a surprise.” They got a little whiny.
“You can surprise me in other ways…” I bit my bottom lip a little, my mind already taking the filthiest route. “Like in that bathtub once we get it going.”
“I love how horny that soaker makes you.”
“Are you sure you can install it right?” I shifted in my seat, the seam of my pants suddenly noticeable.
“I am. We’re fucking in that tub tonight. Tomorrow morning if those instruction videos lied to me.”
“We managed to get the old one out without causing a flood.”
“The tiles are getting done setting as we speak. What if we put a drain on the floor and turn the whole thing into a wet room?”
“I would want a wide rain head. Put the toilet into the closet. Add a bench and handles where it used to be.”
“Since when do we need handles?” a hand crept up my thigh while a tentacle caressed the rim of my ear. “For you, I’ll turn that trailer house into a damn palace.” They kissed my jaw.
“With a donjon in the basement?” I laughed.
“With whips, chains and everything nice.” They joked.
They did not need any of those when they had tentacles.
“Honey!” I smacked their hand. “He’s opening the back door!”
“I’ll let you get away. For now.” They let go of my ear as I opened the window for further instructions.
I drove the truck to the back door where my tub was getting wheeled out on moving planks. The wrap had been massacred but we didn’t care.
“Here.” The owner handed me half a tiny bucket of paint. After I handed the money. “It’s not the right colour, but this paint is for metals. It will prevent the outside from rusting where the scratch is.”
“Thanks.”
His guys were getting the tub loaded in the back of the van.
“Are you going to be able to get it in your house on your own?”
“My husband took half the day off. Him and his friends must be there now having a beer, waiting for me to drive it in.”
“You lie so naturally my love. I’m impressed.” My “husband” sighed with pride.
“Have a good day then.” The owner and I shook hands again. “Nice doing business with you.”
I could hear them rummage in the bathroom while I helped myself with yesterday’s leftovers. God, I loved baked zitis. The fatty pork sauce was simply divine. Five tutorials or more later, and the noise died down.
Right as the silence hit, I got a notification on my phone.
“My love…”
“What is it?” I walked into the bathroom holding the plastic container while shoving more food into my mouth.
“We don’t have the right connectors. I will need to head back to the store.”
“You are not stealing from these nice people again. I’ll drive back.” I glanced at my laptop on top of the toilet’s closed lid. “Send an email to self with the one you need. It’ll show on my phone.”
“Or I can come with you and tell you which one it is.”
I got a call this time. It was the Lilac inn.
With a gasp, I asked, “Is the suite available?!” very loud into the phone.
“Yes, are you Miss Spencer, Cassandra?” It was the rugged voice of the woman I had called many a time with great desperation.
“Yes, that’s me.”
“We got a cancellation tonight. Would you like the suite?”
“Yes please!”
“We are getting it ready. You can have it after four in the afternoon. You just need to check in.”
“Thank you! So much!” I hung up. “We got the suite.” I cheered, dancing a little. “Damn it we are fresh out of wine. We can get room service desert!”
“You want to cheat on us?” they got offended.
“Us?” I frowned. “Honey, we’ll both be cheating on that tub together. And like you said, we have the wrong connectors. We can pick them up tomorrow on our way back.”
“You might as well cheat on me too. That tub and I have gone through a lot in the past two hours.”
I crossed my arms with a scoff, “You’ve been on the computer trying to figure out how to install it the whole time. I even heard you get lost watching a bunch of shorts for thirty minutes.”
“I made promises to that tub,” they insisted.
Locating their shoulders in the empty space, I reached to their ear to say, “I’ll let you cum inside.”
“Inside where?”
“I guess that’s for you to find out.”
“Damn it, get in the car.” They were getting breathy, even the voice speaking in my mind. “No wait. Let’s pack up some bath bombs.”
“The sexy ones, without the glitter?” I grinned.
“I love you.”
I walked out chuckling, “And I love how easy to convince you are.”
“When can we check in?”
“In an hour. I have just the lingerie for this situation,” I said before rushing to the bedroom.
“Can’t wait to see which ones. I’ll get the bubbles and the bombs. Oh, shampoo too with the fancy hair mask. The clay!”
They were really getting into aftercare since our first night together. Although they often ended up fucking me stupid all over again.
