Chapter 1: The Boy Who Annoyed Death
There were exactly three things Noah Parker was good at.
Getting into trouble.
Talking too much.
And surviving situations that should have ended very badly.
Unfortunately, today was shaping up to include all three.
---
“Noah!”
Noah looked up from the tray of burnt pastries in his hands.
His manager stood in the middle of the bakery with the expression of a man who had lost all hope in life.
“Why,” the manager asked slowly, “is there smoke coming out of the kitchen?”
Noah blinked.
“…You can see that too?”
The manager closed his eyes.
“That is not the correct response.”
---
Five minutes earlier, Noah had been trying to “improve efficiency.”
This was a mistake he made often.
He had attempted to bake three trays at once.
The oven had made a strange noise.
Noah, unfortunately, believed in optimism.
Now the kitchen looked like a war zone.
Flour covered the walls.
One tray had somehow landed in the sink.
And the oven—
The oven made a sound like it was preparing for revenge.
Noah pointed at it carefully.
“Hey… buddy?”
The oven rattled violently.
“That feels threatening.”
BOOM.
Silence.
Smoke slowly filled the kitchen.
Noah stared at the destroyed oven.
The destroyed oven stared back.
“Well,” Noah said weakly, “that seems dramatic.”
---
Ten minutes later, Noah stood outside the bakery holding a cardboard box of his belongings.
Which mostly contained snacks.
And one cactus.
His manager sighed deeply from the doorway.
“You are banned from touching industrial equipment forever.”
“That feels excessive.”
“You exploded an oven.”
“In my defense, I didn’t know ovens could do that.”
“GET OUT.”
---
Noah walked down the sidewalk with the dignity of a man who had absolutely none left.
“This is discrimination against handsome people,” he muttered.
A woman passing by looked concerned.
---
Then Noah saw the cat.
A small gray kitten sat near the edge of the street chewing aggressively on what looked like a receipt.
Noah stopped immediately.
“…Why are you eating paper?”
The kitten looked at him.
Then ran.
“Oh no you don’t.”
Noah chased after it instantly.
People yelled as he nearly crashed into them.
“Sorry!”
“Watch out!”
“I’m emotionally fragile!”
The kitten darted across the street and slipped through the open entrance of a massive black building.
Noah stopped in front of it.
Blackwood Tower.
Tall.
Expensive.
Intimidating.
The kind of place where even the windows looked rich.
Noah squinted at the kitten disappearing inside.
“…You have expensive taste.”
Then he followed it in.
---
Inside Blackwood Tower, the atmosphere was deadly quiet.
Men in black suits stood near elevators with expressionless faces.
Nobody smiled.
Nobody talked.
Even the air conditioning sounded nervous.
Noah walked through the lobby holding his cardboard box.
“…This place looks like taxes.”
A nearby guard blinked slowly.
---
The kitten sprinted toward a private elevator.
“Oh come on!”
Before anyone could stop him, Noah slipped inside just as the elevator doors closed.
One security guard stared in horror.
“…Was that civilian holding a cactus?”
Another whispered:
“I think so.”
---
At the top floor of the tower, a meeting was currently taking place.
And nobody in the room wanted to be there.
At the head of the table sat Adrian Blackwood.
Twenty-four years old.
CEO of Blackwood Corporation.
Leader of the Blackwood Organization.
Known throughout the city as a man nobody wanted to disappoint twice.
Or once, honestly.
The room remained completely silent as Adrian reviewed documents.
One mafia executive nervously wiped sweat from his forehead.
Another looked ready to fake his own death.
Then—
DING.
Everyone looked toward the elevator.
The doors opened.
Noah walked out carrying his box.
The kitten immediately ran across the room.
Noah pointed dramatically.
“YOU.”
Silence.
Absolute silence.
One man quietly whispered:
“…Who is that?”
Nobody knew.
Which made it worse.
---
Noah finally noticed the room.
Then the armed guards.
Then the terrifyingly expensive table.
Then Adrian Blackwood staring directly at him.
“…Huh,” Noah said.
The room waited.
Noah looked around awkwardly.
“So this is probably not the customer service department.”
Nobody moved.
Nobody breathed.
One guard looked spiritually exhausted already.
---
The kitten jumped onto the conference table.
Noah gasped.
“Murder Mittens!”
The kitten knocked over someone’s coffee.
A mafia executive nearly cried.
Noah immediately climbed onto a chair trying to grab the cat.
“COME BACK HERE.”
One bodyguard whispered:
“Why is he yelling at the cat like that?”
Another whispered back:
“I don’t know but I’m scared.”
---
The kitten leaped directly toward Adrian.
Noah lunged after it.
Unfortunately—
His foot caught the edge of the chair.
“Oh no.”
The room watched in horror as Noah completely lost balance.
He fell forward.
Straight into Adrian Blackwood’s lap.
THUD.
Silence.
Complete.
Horrifying.
Silence.
---
Noah froze.
The room froze.
Time itself froze.
Noah slowly looked up.
Adrian Blackwood stared back at him with a completely unreadable expression.
“…Hi,” Noah said weakly.
Nobody in the room had ever been so certain they were about to witness a murder.
---
Noah immediately scrambled backward off Adrian’s lap.
“Oh my god.”
The kitten climbed comfortably into Adrian’s arms.
Noah pointed at it accusingly.
“TRAITOR.”
The kitten meowed.
Adrian remained perfectly still.
Noah covered his face.
“I can explain.”
Adrian finally spoke.
“You interrupted a private meeting.”
“Technically,” Noah said carefully, “the cat interrupted it first.”
One bodyguard actually choked trying not to laugh.
Everyone turned toward him in horror.
---
Adrian looked at Noah for a long moment.
Cold.
Calm.
Dangerous.
Noah smiled nervously.
“…You have really intense eye contact.”
The room collectively accepted that Noah Parker had lost all survival instincts.
---
A guard slowly stepped closer.
Probably to remove Noah’s body preemptively.
But Adrian raised one hand slightly.
The guard stopped instantly.
Silence filled the room again.
Noah blinked.
Then blinked again.
“…Wait,” he said slowly.
“You’re not killing me?”
Nobody dared react.
Adrian looked at him.
“No.”
The room mentally collapsed.
---
Because somehow…
the fact that Adrian Blackwood didn’t kill him—
was far more terrifying.
---
To be continued…
Murder Mittens!!!! Im dieing. OMG think this is the best first chapter ever read in a while.
looks like a fun read🤗here we go
Noah had zero survival skills and instinct😂😂😂