CONUNDRUM

I don't understand why I don't have this freedom to voice out my opinions. Why do people act as if they know me very well when I don't even know myself?

Why do they keep interpreting things for me and my thoughts while shushing me out? It's all so infuriating in itself...

All the anger and uneasiness piled up inside me awaits a release which I somewhere in my heart know is not quite possible. Yet, I have lied to myself that it will all be alright.

Will it really be?

I don't know because I am afraid to confront the truth myself. I don't know what the truth is anymore because my entire life I have lied to myself like a broken recorder repeating itself.

Why do I have to survive in a world so prejudiced when nothing really matters even if you are naked. Even if your thoughts and your personality is naked, like an open book. No one really wants to know about you, no one wants to see it and neither do you. That's why you have always covered it up.

It is all just a pretense then does it even matter if we lie or if our whole life is a lie? Won't it still be the same thing?

Does anyone really care if you are alive or dead? And is it even worth to care about those who are lost forever in that after world? Does it even matter if we are a sin or a virtue because we don't even know if heaven or hell exists and dead tells no tales.

Even my dreams are not what I want them to be.

So why is it so that even the world that I created on my own to survive the real one doesn't turn out like it is supposed to be.

Why do I keep falling for people's falseness called kindness. Why is it so that I keep trying to believe those few words of their even when they have no meaning to them.

Why do I ? Even when I know that things won't change though change is eternal.

Is it because it hardly ever occurs that someone is kind to me even if for a second or is it my yearning to be loved even if for a bit.

I can't even put up with the complexity of my heart's feelings to fall for every other gay. But they are just so handsome. So yeah.. me crushing on boys has at least let me know that it is not only my life that is painful but even my love is going to be painful.

Even though I want to know how it feels, I am afraid of it. What should I do?

Why can't the things just go my way even though I am the one controlling them........

She pulls her hands off the keyboard and sighs as she notices how it's already time for her to go to school.

She puts up her facade ready to do what she has been doing all this while. She is just trying to fit in, just like others. So why is it abnormal? Just because it is her?

<<THE REAL START>>

My name is Lilith. It's been quite a while since I started to write an online book 'The Dark Truth', while venting out the frustration I pile up from my real life filled with negativity.

It's not that I am disappointed from living or anything, it's just that I am satisfied with what it has given to me until now and I don't want to ruin it. I have already learnt my lesson, trying way to hard will only have you lose everything. So, I shouldn't go out of my way to achieve something as it will only push me farther from it.

My life isn't any interesting as I am more of an introvert ..... (doorbell rings), except for the fact that I have a pretty amazing and quite cool of a friend which is hard to believe for me as well.

I open the door only to see Eva (short for Evangelina) sulking and pouting. "You take way too much time." she says. "Let's go or else we will be late for school. I know you don't mind but I do. If the teacher calls my mom then I will be so done you know?"

"I know. I know. But then how many times I have asked you not to pick me up?"

"If I don't pick you up you will definitely skip school and its already about time for our monthly exam. You do not want to spend your evenings in the remedial, do you?" she backfires trying to escape the part where she was almost declared guilty.

I push her aside from front of the door and lock it while signaling her to start walking already. But she's kind of reluctant and becomes grumpy. "You didn't have breakfast again right? What use are those shitty parents of yours. Just move in with me. I live alone anyways and can easily afford your expenses. It's better to accompany me than those good for nothing parents who keep drinking and doing drugs."

I roll my eyes before answering to her. "You know I don't really like to have breakfasts. Why make a big deal out of it? And about moving in... how many times do we have to go over it?"

As we reach in front of the gate we hurry up as we see the security guards close the bar gates of the school and sprint through it just in time only to end up stumbled on each other due to the entangling of our legs.

"Are you fine Eva? Did you get hurt." I ask. She shakes her head in denial and pats mine while making sure I am fine for real.

That's when I see a huge......