Saint or a Sinner

ROSABELLE – AGE: 27

Have you ever felt like you’ve died and are looking at everything from above… from a third person’s perspective? Like an out of body experience. Because the pain was just too much to bear and being numb felt much better than allowing the pain to rip through your heart… that’s what happened to me when I got the call from Alejandro’s sister Gabriella, telling me he had died. A speeding car had hit him while he was cycling and he couldn’t even make it to the hospital because of his head injury.

Alejandro was the sweetest man I had ever met and we’d been together for over a year. Apart from ‘Leo’ (my best friend), Alee was the only person I could rely upon. We had met in a Tattoo parlor where I had been standing for over half an hour; trying to decide upon a design to get on my waist. He was there too, and had been watching me for some time. After five more minutes he approached me with a small piece of paper and silently placed it over the design book I was looking at. On the paper was a tribal design depicting a howling wolf and I immediately wanted it on me without even looking at the person who had done me this huge favor. And when I did look up at the man standing next to me; grinning like a fiend – I felt something tugging at my heart. He had that face that instantly puts you under a spell… with his beautiful smile showcasing his perfect pearly whites and his sparkling deep blue eyes. And if I had any inhibitions left; they were washed away by his longish raven black hair and the sexiest set of dimples I had ever seen on a man.

After I got my beautiful tattoo, he had asked me out for a coffee and for the first time in my life; I had thrown caution out of the window and accepted. That day marked the beginning of one of the happiest times of my life… the best decision I had ever made. And now he was dead and I was stranded in a desert of despair with no way out in sight.

When I returned home from the burial ceremony, I found myself dreading the loneliness. There was only one person I wanted with me in this situation – Lionel – my best friend. Nobody had remembered to call him… not even me; not that I was in any shape to do so. He would understand my pain and not try to just soothe me with hollow words. I dialed his number and waited, hoping he was in the city and not some place far from civilization.

“Hello Peanut, to what do I owe this pleasure?” he sounded like his usual happy self and I envied him for it. And then I started berating myself for being jealous of my best friend’s happiness because he had earned it… he had gone through hell to earn it… and who knew it better than me? I was with him when he broke apart… not once but twice.

“Rosa what’s wrong? Speak to me”. Now he sounded concerned and I realized I hadn’t said a word yet. “Leo … … … he’s dead”, I said on a broken whisper, “Please come over. Please, I don’t want to be alone”.

He didn’t ask anything else, just stayed quiet for a while and then, “I’ll be there in 20 minutes”. The phone slipped from my limp fingers and tumbled to the floor and my head fell in my hands and the tears started flowing.

Lionel – age 27

Even though I’m known as SAINT, secretly I’m a SINNER. I’m a sinner because I’m in love with her. My Rosa. My best friend. Someone else’s woman. I have been in love with her since I didn’t even understand what love meant. Since I didn’t even know why her smiles made me smile, why her sadness saddened me and why; when I saw her being pushed to the ground that day in 3rd grade – I wanted to avenge her and then cry for her hurt when it made her cry.

So like a sinner I love her secretly. I love her secretly because she isn’t mine to love. Because she is in love with someone else. Someone who makes her happy. Someone who makes her smile. And like a sinner; secretly I’m jealous of him being able to openly love her. Even though I like him because he makes her truly happy; I secretly wish that he didn’t. That he didn’t so I could. So I could be the one making her happy. So I could be the one on the receiving end of her beautiful sunshine smiles. So instead of him; she could love me.

And now he is dead and she is devastated. And I’m a sinner because my sin was wishing him away from her. Even though I didn’t do it consciously. Even though I didn’t mean him any harm. But I guess you can’t dictate fate on how you want something to go your way. When he really gave all his heart to my Rosa; I went away. I went away so that I could save them from the poison of my sinning heart. I went away to try and break the curse it put on me. My own heart cursed me.

And now he is dead and I am devastated. I’m devastated because she is devastated. My Rosa. My savior. My rock. My rock that was now shattered and needed me to pick up the pieces and somehow glue them back together. Because she truly believed I could. So I had to believe I could. I would believe and I would try. I would try and try until either I have built her back up or died trying.