Chapter 1
They say that you should live in the present because nothing lasts forever and everything can change in a second. I learnt that to be true.
I never thought at 32 I would be a divorcee. No longer married and my dream of being a mother still not yet a reality. But here I am, sitting in the home I once shared with my now ex-husband, wondering what I do next. It’s strange. I thought I would be more angry…sad maybe, I don’t know. What I feel is embarrassed and ashamed, not because of the divorce. Ashamed that I could be stupid enough to trust someone so explicitly that I didn’t see the signs that something was going on. Hindsight is a bitch like that though, right?
I thought my life was full and beautiful. Mark was supportive and hard working, he was funny and was really sweet and romantic. We both had great jobs and wanted the same things out of life. We met at a mutual friends birthday and hit it off straight away. We started dating soon after and a year later we were planning our wedding. We were trying to fall pregnant. Then I came home early one day from work. I wasn’t feeling well and thought I’d check out early. I quickly phoned my Mum and told her that I was heading home and ended up on a conference call with my sisters, so never got a chance to call Mark and let him know I wasn’t feeling well and that I would be home early. Big Mistake.. or maybe it was fate.
As I pulled into my driveway I find a shitless Mark in jeans barely buttoned up embracing a women that is 1. Not me and 2. It was the total opposite of a friendly embrace. I just sat there staring at the two of them, eyes wide and jaw to the floor shocked. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and I couldn’t move or speak either. I just sat there staring at my husband and this woman, hugging and kissing. I wanted to get out of the car and scream or drive off but I couldn’t do anything and they were oblivious to the fact that I was even there, until they turned around…
Its been 3 months since I found out about the affair. I took time off of work while we settled the divorce, I wanted it to be done as quickly as possible and turns out so did Mark and his new girlfriend. They had been seeing each other for almost a year. A year! I couldn’t believe it when I found out, how stupid could I be! To think that we we had a strong bond and that we were in this amazing place. We had been trying to get pregnant for a while now.
Holy Shit, just thinking about it makes me crazy, we were trying to start a family. I was crying for months when I would get a negative result, I even started to think that maybe something was wrong with me. But, I guess everything happens for a reason. During the settlement we agreed that Mark would move out and I would get the house. Thankful we came to that decision pretty quickly and amicably, it does help that he moved out the day I caught him. The mortgage was in my name anyway, and Sindy with an ‘S’ lived near the water so for Mark it was an easy decision, apparently, to pack his stuff and leave.My parents wanted me to sell or at least rent the house and start fresh but I couldn’t. I bought the house just before we got married, we have lived in it since. Regardless of what happened, it was full of memories and selling was going to be hard. I wasn’t ready and there wasn’t anything pushing me to sell either I could afford the mortgage on my own and I didn’t need to move out so renting it out and moving back in with my parents didn’t make sense and to be honest didn’t sound very appealing.
It was time to reach out to my office and go back to work. Being at home is starting to take its toll, I mean I love my family. I do, but everyone seems to have an opinion on what I should do and how long I should be allowed to wallow before I put my big girl panties on and get back out there. I guess I only reached out to my office just to get everyone off my back and the fact that my leave was coming to an end also played a big part. They asked if I was ready to come back, like they knew it was too soon and the reality is, I don’t know if I am really ready. But I was going to give it a go, I figure if I’m not ok with it I’ll let them know and if they can’t hold my position I’ll just leave.
I’ve been there for 12 years and worked my way up to Global Business Manager, I look after our International distribution and we just launched in the US a few months before I found out about the affair.
Working for TPOLA for as long as I have has afforded me long service leave and a bit of leniency but, that will only extend so far. So after the 20 minutes on the phone with Sophia, my CEO, filled with the obligatory niceties and awkward dance of avoiding the reason of my leave. We discussed my return and I hang up knowing that I was going back to work the next week. Then it dawns on me, I need to make sure my work clothes fit, I hadn’t been anywhere other than to the lawyers office over the last few months, much to my sisters dismay. They tried to get me to go out a few times but I just wasn’t interested and I wasn’t ready. In any case, I know that I need to get a few outfits for work as not much fits properly. I haven’t lost weight intentionally, it wasn’t one of the those new me phases either I just haven’t had much of an appetite and started running a few times a week. Its been nice to get out and run and not think about anything except the song playing but that has also contributed to the weight loss and since I have been living in tracksuits and tights most of the time wearing them a little big, loose and baggy didn’t really bother me. I jump online to a few stores that do next day delivery and purchase a few pieces. Now thats over, I head to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Waiting for the kettle to boil I take the time to reflect on what I have just done. Shit, I’ve committed! Am I really ready for this? I guess we’ll see...
