Diana in the dark

"It took me we an long time to get into the story then I couldn't wait to finish it it was very good "

Diana in the dark

"I really enjoyed the book you have a good imagination. Keep writing as you do have a great talent. Thank you for sharing. "

Immediately Thrilling

"I couldn't wait for the weekend to get here so I could finish this one! The first couple of chapters hooked me right away. Diana in the Dark is quite mature, and an interesting window into the mind of a functional psychopath. I both enjoyed and regretted that Diana was a high school student. On the one hand, I LOVED the language that was used. Diana's dialogue and inner thoughts were quite amusing, and I feel like they were a clever representation of a young adults interpretation of the world, psychopath or not- "He looked stolid, hiding a streak of glacial anger, like he'd received a swirly for good behaviour and was now looking to take it out on someone small and cute," definitely was a knee slapper for me. But on the other hand, the plot had so many twists, and was so grandiose, that I feel a mere high school student couldn't realistically participate in so many scandalous situations at will. However, the story IS situated around affluent and, sometimes, parentless teens in Cali, so it wasn't enough to wag a finger at. I gave 3 stars for technical writing because I wanted to give an accurate representation of what I saw, but I know once this baby is edited it will be on fire. Though there were many errors in punctuation, I was still able to read as the author intended just because it was so well-crafted otherwise. Last, but not least, I thoroughly enjoyed the poetic finesse and sensory language. It definitely enhanced the experience of being inside of Diana's head, which was quite a ride!"

Captivating and Chilling

"As the story starts, it immerses you in the dark, curious life of Diana- It's spellbinding in the use of verbs, short, powerful phrases, and compelling transitions. ."

Lots of twists

"I did feel emotions in this book when I was reading it. There were things that I, as a women, became mad at and what happened in this story. Because of what the character did and who he was. But this story is great. If a writer can bring out emotions in a reader, then that is someone who can definitely write a story."

Amended

"That should take care of things. From what i have seen of the first two chapters it is well deserved. Roy J"

Atmospheric

"Don't pay much attention to the 3 stars for punctuation, grammar etc. This is a work in progress so I'm effectively ignoring any issues in that regard. I'm guessing that when complete and fully edited, there'd be another 5 awarded. There's poetry in here. The author clearly has a large vocabulary which he uses to grand effect. Metaphors which set you thinking rather than simply absorbing as you go. I like the writing style and the way the plot hustles along. Never a dull moment. I wouldn't have the first idea of how to get into a teenage girls head and even if I did, I doubt I could express it as well as these pages do. The way Diana deals with appearing normal when clearly she knows she isn't is cleverly done. Other characters are separate entities, all thought through and crafted onto the pages. I'd like to see this finished."

Men will put up with almost any shit from a woman if he thinks sex may possibly happen at some point in the future.

"After reading the first 2 chapters, I became enthralled. At first I thought this would simply be a female 'dexter' but there is quite a bit more to it than that. D is almost alien in her thoughts regarding others, a tell-tale sign of what people inaccurately term 'sociopath'. Writing style is similar to F.Paul Wilson, I found. Descriptive narrative is straight and to-the-point. First-person narrative can be tricky, especially when doing something in this ilk, but the suspense builds quite nicely. The negative, if there is one to be found, would be the perceived lack of order. Many casual readers will probably find some of the structure confusing, but I don't think this story is meant to cater to the casual reader. For me; when I read a tale I want UNIQUE. This is not your STANDARD title-and-chapter, man-vs-whatever story, so, be warned readers who enjoy fluff. This is turning into a fantastic thriller with a believable, smart, tough, mysterious female protagonist. I definitely recommend it."

The Next Dexter... with Many Twists (I'm sure of) to Come!

"This was a really interesting opening. The entire sequence was interesting to read and pull the reader in from the start. Diana has started out a very interesting character, and I can't wait to see what happens as the story continues. I'm a huge fan of first person, and I liked that it was used here. It's almost like taking some of the other stories about high school students written in first person with a darker, more horror perspective. This does remind me of a female Dexter, and, I'm sure the author has many great things planned for this book as it's written and developed. If you like horror or Dexter, I think you'd like this!"

Very intriguing beginning!

"I really enjoyed this! I've never watched Dexter, so I didn't really know what to expect, but I like what you have here so far. Exploring the mind of a psychopath is so interesting to me, and I love seeing the different approaches that authors take. I especially liked the voice that you employed here to show the attitude and personality of your protagonist. You seem to really fight against cliches in this story, which is really cool! It really gave the story its own unique flavor. I'm very curious as to where the plot will go and to where the protagonist's dark urges will take her. I am looking forward to exploring her disturbed psyche, and I'm also quite interested in the other characters you've introduced so far. You have a really good way of showing who a character is instantly, which is REALLY hard to do! That being said, I think I would have enjoyed more setting in this story. I was actually really confused during the chase scene at the first part of the chapter just because I wasn't sure if he was in a car or what was going on. More setting in the scenes would clarify a few things, I think. The grammar also needed a bit of work throughout the story. I liked the way you phrased things, it's just that the mechanics were a bit off. All in all, this is a great start, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes! Great work!"

Pulled me right in

"The opening can be the hardest part to write since readers either decide to keep reading or drop it entirely, this opening pulled me right in and I couldn't stop reading. The descriptions were eye-catching and each chapter made me want to know what was going to happen next. There were some grammatical mistakes such as missing commas and periods within quotes which kind of bugged me, but the plot was very interesting so I didn't allow that to stop me. This was a very cool premise and I'm glad I checked it out."

A Dark Twist on a Dark Theme

"I really enjoyed the premise and the narration of the protagonist. There were a few grammatical errors here and there, but I think that's just fine comb editing (annoying editing) you need to go through. The only critique I have, and this is personal preference, is that sometimes Diana's thoughts could go a little too trippy. I know there's a particular effect you're going for, but at a certain point, it became hard for me to concentrate on exactly what was going on. However, as I said, this is just personal preference so take it with a grain of salt."

Darkly Funny!

"Mashing the detached sardonic humor of Catcher in the Rye with the dark horror of Carrie, this first-person story races along at a fast clip barely giving a reader a chance to catch his breath. His characters channel the argot of upper-class California high school teens a couple of whom are anything but normal. The writing is darkly original and full of surprises such that one can pass over the grammar and spelling errors without pausing. Overall, a fun and evocative read."

Tonights the Night..

"So, as there is only one chapter, I'll keep my rating to a default of 3 stars. I'll come back and update it as more chapters are added! I liked the story. I do however, wish you never brought up the show Dexter in your post because I couldn't help but see the similarities once I started reading. But I liked Dexter so I guess that really shouldn't be a complaint, it just means the story should carve out its own uniqueness in future chapters. But I digress. I really enjoyed your writing style, the way you were talking to me. It was as if I had stuck a megaphone on the MC's head and heard her inner monologue. I especially liked the first person style (particularly because it's something I suck at). Grammar wise, I didn't notice many problems (but I'm not a grammar expert so my word ain't much.) Overall, it's an excellent start but with so little available there isn't much I can say.. Anyways I'll be coming back to see more, I am eager to see how the story will play out."

Really good ideas (needs a little work)!

"I like first person stories, and I don't mind where they are past, or present tense. You have an interesting story here, and it felt like a dream, as chaotic, and scrambled as any dream may be. I can hear your signature (your voice, as it were) in this piece and I like what you're doing, though I confess some of the punctuation threw me off. It is an overall good read, and I found it entertaining. I'd like to see more of your work, so I'll keep my eyes open for it. A.G."

Diana in the dark

"It was a very confusing book. I still enjoyed it"

A First Draft

"Your Narrative, however witty at times and dark at some is still a bit lacking. the same can be said about your dialogue, it doesn't make me care for the protagonist in general, she looks and feels like a puppet on strings except for times when you really do allow yourself to ramble on with the dark narrative. The plot is really taking it's time to unfold and there us a distinct lack of attachments to anything otjer than the protagonist herself. At best, I believe this is your first draft and not noteworthy enough."

Choppy

"So at first glance this story begins with utter confusion. There's little to no description of what's going on, which isn't always a bad thing. But there is a difference between suspenseful confusion and complete disorientation, this is the latter. The descriptions are redundant when they're even there, and the author needs to learn when to and when not to use a comma. Knowing the difference between plural and possessive wouldn't hurt either. As soon as the dream sequence ended I was glad to be done with the first-person present tense way of writing. In small doses it's a neat tool, I've used it myself, but that's just the thing: small doses. The protagonist is largely unrelatable and unlikable right from the get-go, That all said, after Ch.1 the writing does get slightly more cohesive, syncing together in a manner that is easier to read and significantly less choppy. Still, continuing through to the third chapter felt more like a chore than an exciting read. The fact that the author actually used the word "leet" in the description, even with it being inner monologue, felt so cringey I felt like I was reading 50 Shades of Gray. Bringing us to Ch. 3, more First-Person, Present tense. Again, not a bad tool, and I'm glad this segment was significantly shorter. But then Diana wakes up again and we're back to choppy dialogue, and an unrelatable protagonist. To be honest, this looks like, reads like, and feels like a First Draft fueled by a train of thought. The concept is there, but the problem is the protagonist: even with her admitting she is the "Villain in my own passion piece" there's nothing about her that makes me curious enough to stick with her."

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