Prologue
Sirens wail, clouds thunder and I struggle to get a clear picture of them through my smudged glasses. Him, specially. I manage to not lag behind as they hurry the stretcher into the ambulance.
They pull out the breathing mask. I hope he breathes. He doesn't.
I see them giving him CPR in the ambulance. No use. He is not breathing.
My hand touches my other hand amidst its tremors. I realize I'm cold. Less from the rain, more from his unbearable stillness. So still...like a corpse.
He is never that still. He is always swaying or whistling or muttering some stupid joke.
His deafening silence makes my breathing louder to me. It's deafening too. I don't sense that the ambulance has stopped until I see everyone running to take him out. Where are they taking him ? What are they going to do ? Whatever they'd do will that break his silence ? Will it make him sway and whistle and yell at me like before ? Will he ever...
I run behind them catching the growing distance between us. I see his arms hanging down from the stretcher. Not missing a second I grab it. My intention was to place it back on the stretcher. He would have liked that. But a sudden rush of blood through my hands tells me otherwise.
Even in his stillness and silence, I can feel his warmth. That lightens my breath a little. I notice that I'm in a hospital.
I am running towards a white door along with a few others wearing white shirt and pant. Why are they dressed white ? Why am I so sad ? Why is he so still ? Why are his eyes closed ? Why are we running ? I want to ask him to get up and take us both out of this hell.
Everything here his numbing my senses.
They rush into the white door room. One of them holds me back and I feel my hands losing the sense of his warmth. Suddenly I feel oxygen vanishing from my lungs. I can't breath. I'm choking.
'On what ?' Nothing.
My eyes are open as if someone glued my eyelids upwards. I'm screaming, I'm shouting something.
I'm crying. I can taste the salt on my tongue, my visibility still invisible.
But I can't hear myself. Only my heavy breathes coming back. Why am I shouting ? Why am I screaming ? Why am I crying ?
They close the door that takes him completely out of my sight.
Next what I hear is a shrill cry. A terrified, scared to death scream. Who is it ? Is it me ?
'Yes.'
My ice cold hands reach my face. And I notice that they are red.
Why are they red ? Is that blood ? Whose blood is it ?
This is not the kind of dream I want to see. It's making me sick to my core. I need to wake up.
I can't. Why can't I wake up ? What kind of night is it ? Am I on the sleeping pill ? Why isn't anyone waking me up ?
I close my ears to block my screams. I drop to the floor on my knees. My head touches my black pant.
After exhausting all the oxygen, I have stopped screaming. I look up. A bright red light above the white door. A lot of beeping noise.
Everything goes silent again.
"Why are you sweeping the floor ?"
I frantically look behind recognizing his voice.
I move my lips to say something. Nothing comes out.
"God where have you been bathing in all that filth ?!"
He steps forward. His hands move through my face and my hair in an attempt to tidy it up. I feel the warmth again. My nerves calm down again. He huffs at his failed attempt. "Your glasses, ugh !" he takes them out and cleans them with his t-shirt. Then he puts them back.
"I can't wake up." I whisper.
"You're taking them again, right ? The pills ?" he shakes his head dismissively.
"No..."
"Are you sure ?"
"I don't remember."
I see his eyelids dropping a little. That scares me. He only does that when he is hopeless.
He takes his hands into mine and looks at them, takes a deep breath, then faces me again, "Then I'm afraid it's not a dream."
Everything blacks out. I gasp. Am I waking up ? Is it over ? The dream ? Is it ?
'Yes it is.'
The lights come back. Nothing has changed. I'm still in the hospital. It's still gloomy. The beeping hasn't stopped. The bright red light is still on top of the white door. And I...
I'm still on the ground, sitting on my calf with my hands on my thighs. His warmth is gone again. I'm cold again. He is gone again.
'You're never going to wake up. This is not a dream'
He is inside, they are looking after him. He is going to be fine. It can't be that bad.
'Are you sure ?'
He'll wake up. I know it. I'm sure.
'Are you ?'
I am.
'No you're not. Didn't you see him ? Don't you remember how you described him ? Like a corpse ?'
No...stop. No...
'He is dead, Kiya. You killed him.'
I didn't. Please stop...
'You did.'
"I didn't." I sob.
'Don't be a bitch. The least you can do is accept what you did !'
I...I
'Yes, you...you did it. What did you do ?'
I get up and drag myself towards the white door. My voice breaks into sobs, "I...I killed him."
