Chapter 1 - The Rasta Vampire's Predicament
“Mi belly a hot mi!” Prince Rufus Romulus bawled as he rubbed his belly n doubled over in pain, “Whoooi! Mi belly a hot mi!”
“Serve yuh damn, right!” Miss Jasmine boomed as she approached him warily with a broom, “that will teach yuh fi come a suck out mi chicken dem!”
Miss Jasmine was a top-heavy, massive mountain of a black woman. She made her living working the 7-3 shift with the Public Works and Housing Department, either repairing roads with the road crew or constructing government housing schemes. Not one for idle rest, she spent the remainder of her time going to church, rearing pigs and chickens and planting yams, sugar cane, callaloo and bananas. She was as strong as they come, as strong as any man, and fearless to boot. But even she knew enough to be wary around this thiefing Rasta vampire bwoy.
“Dutty bitch!” Prince Rufus groaned, “Come ya likkle closer mek mi bite out yuh damn neck fi yuh!”
“Who yuh a call bitch, yuh thiefin demon from the pit of hell yuh!” Miss Jasmine snapped the broomstick in half.
Prince Rufus, who up to that point, was lying on his side in the fetal position, groaning, squirming and shuddering in pain, froze stiff at the sound of the broomstick breaking,and started to eye Miss Jasmine from his corner yeye. If vampires could shit, he would have shit his pants right now. If she managed to stick him through the heart with that, he was a dead bird... Well, a deader bird.
<Cho claaaaaat...> He thought as he explored his options. The garlic in his system weakened him severely and racked his gaunt frame with pain. The sly old gorilla of a woman had apparently mixed garlic into the chicken feed so that when he sank his fangs into juicy fowl flesh, the poisonous herb gushed with the hot blood down his throat and into his system.
<All because Rasta nuh nyam man, fire we bun pon hog.> He bemoaned his situation. This all came out of feeling sorry for humans and refusing to feed on them. Every other night he had to suffer through the ordeal of picking feathers out of his mouth, so that people could live and get a chance to live longer and serve Jah.
“JAAAAAAAH!” Prince Rufus called out, “Save I!”
<If Jah never seh I nuh fi nyam man or nyam pork, I wudn’t get ketch inna fowl pen.>
Miss Jasmine, momentarily startled by the vampire dread’s outburst, regained her resolve and took another tentative step forward, as ready to rush forward and finish the job as well as to take herself hastily away, just in case.
Rufus watched her from his corner yeye and thought carefully. He was too weak to change into a rat bat at the moment, so maybe he could hypnotise her with his eyes, but that meant that he would have to turn and make eye contact, match her murderous gaze with one of intent. The paralyzing, maddening pain reminded him that breathing itself was a labour, much less to try to turn around. It might not work anyways. The blasted clever gorilla bitch must have figured that eating garlic would make her resistant to his mind-controlling gaze.
She was standing over him triumphant now, confident in her power. She raised the stake over her head, ready fi jam it into his chest.
<Raaaaaaaaaaassssss.... Mi dead now!>
