The Reason

It was an odd situation, and it had taken a lot of convincing. Not from him but from myself. I knew that I could potentially be walking into some sort of death trap and it came down to if I was willing to risk it or not. I decided that I was because I decided that his brother at least deserved a chance to have me by his side even if it meant risking death, or ultimately experiencing it a short while later. I didn’t think I had a choice. Not after all that we had been through and all that I had done. Sasha deserved to experience the happiness that would come with me by his side and I knew this. I knew it was unfair to make him wait any longer than he already had. What I had not anticipated was my feelings for Demyan being what they were.

On the internet, there was a way to justify my behavior. Some kind of wall up that allowed me a certain amount of distance. Plausible denial. When it was on the internet I was completely removed from the reality of the problem. The reality of what Demyan truly was and the things he could do. Face to face it was a much different experience. Sasha as well, but oddly enough I found that even with that level of fear, being with Sasha was like being at home. Every nagging doubt I’d had before arriving was washed clear away the moment I looked into his eyes. It wasn’t as simple with Demyan. Not now that I knew there was no turning back. Not now that I knew everything was true and I was looking right at a man that many others would directly call a monster.

He’d never really been like that with me. Not, exactly. To be fair, he’d massively double-crossed me in a blindside I never saw coming. He tried to destroy every facet of my life that had ever brought me happiness and he had condemned me to what I believed was a life a misery. All over petty jealousy and a wrong choice. A choice I had made and a choice that had consequences I couldn’t have foreseen before Demyan made his move. The reason I couldn’t see them was because of the fact that my feelings for him had never gone away. They also hadn’t changed. Even after the betrayal, even after the heartbreak, the feelings just wouldn’t stop. I was angry, there was no getting around that. My trust and faith had been entirely shattered and yet there I was, I still had that underlying, nagging tug at the heart. The one that told me that despite it all, I couldn’t truly hate him.

I’m sure he knew this and I’m sure he played on this as much as he could. It would have been simple to blame him, call him a manipulator, everything else. Yet, how was it also not my fault? In the end, I knew he was doing it. I knew he was playing on my emotions to get his way I knew this was still a battle he thought he could win and I knew that he was a fighter. I knew the whole time and I saw through every move and if that was the case then I couldn’t blame him. It could not be called manipulation because you cannot accuse someone of such an act when you know that’s what they are doing. At least, not in my mind. Typically if you know someone’s trying to manipulate you it doesn’t work, and yet this was working on me. Perhaps only because my feelings hadn’t changed.

I had never told him the reason why I had chosen Nikolay over him. I'd never given him the specifics but I think he knew anyway. He wasn’t an idiot. Far from it. In the entire group, he was the most intelligent. Borderline genius. The most dangerous type of sociopath because not only did he understand human emotions perfectly he knew how to get people to bend to his will while utilizing that very thing. Had I been brainwashed? Entrapped? Or did I still love him anyway just because I wasn’t as much of a saint as I made myself out to be in my own mind? Was I attracted to his violence? His danger? His mental illness? Was I attracted to the idea that such a man could have complete control over me if he wanted? Did I like that idea more than I liked anything sane or healthy?

My entire life had been unhealthy, manipulative, and toxic relationships. Every time I had thought I was in love it had been a lie. Had ended in an explosion of some type. It wasn’t even that different with Demyan in a lot of capacities but what had been different was the sheer fact that he’d come back. He’d returned when no one else had and though that didn’t completely fix everything it was a start. Then he was honest. Painfully honest. The type where the brutality of it all caused me to cry painful tears. Anguish. Completely and truly. I found that I had the potential to forgive him.

Not because I could dismiss everything he had done. Not because I thought it was okay or ever could but because he had the downright balls to face me and tell the truth. Show me genuine remorse. Own up to everything he had done and everything he intended to do. He stopped hiding. He stopped manipulating, or maybe, it was his best manipulation yet. It was hard to tell. Seemingly, at first, he was doing this because of his brother, because of Sasha. He was very aware that if he wanted to save Sasha and salvage the relationship in any capacity he was going to have to get my help. He understood the only way to do that was genuinely change, show remorse, and gain my trust. I knew that I could not leave Sasha behind and I knew that Demyan was the only one who could take care of him. I understood this and I understood that calling a truce, talking with him, and getting to a point where we would have an understanding could be a huge mistake.

In the end, it brought me to Russia to be with Sasha just as I had promised myself I would do if he survived. I hadn’t had a choice because I never go back on my promises. I always stand by my word and I don’t lie. Things had worked out with Nikolay just fine but then I had to work around that to get to see Sasha, spend time with him, and now I was there alone for the most part. Since Nikolay wanted nothing to do with either of them (and I understood why) but he also knew I was bound by my loyalty he was waiting for me outside and there was a time limit. There was always a time limit when I came to visit which I was okay with. It at very least gave Demyan and Sasha very little time to do anything to me. Yet, I’d been there multiple times since that point and there had been no indication of ill will or harm. Not even towards Nikolay which surprised me. It had been hard to fathom Demyan being true to his word when he swore he would never go after Nikolay himself but as more and more time passed the more and more I realized that I could trust him on his word now. Even if I was the only one who could.

“Get some rest, Sasha.” I told him, “Don’t worry I’ll still be around for a while.”

“Okay,” He said then smiled at me and laid down. He was still recovering, but he needed the rest, he would need a lot of it. Physically he was healed for the most part but emotionally he was still a wreck. I was still working on getting him to a point where he was okay and things were mended between him and his brother. It wasn’t easy it but it was ultimately very rewarding. I leaned down and kissed his forehead, stroking his hair gently for a moment before turning to leave the room and shutting the door softly behind me. From there I walked down the hall to Demyan’s room and tapped on the door.

“Dem?” I called softly.

“Come in,” He replied. I opened the door to see him there sitting by his computer in a suit. A black one. Not to mention he had his glasses on, something I’d only seen in pictures. The suit wasn’t exactly a new thing, though. He was always wearing one when I showed up and I knew why. I was trying to ignore it but now that he had the glasses on it was much harder. I stepped into the room, leaving the door open. Sasha didn’t like loud noises and I knew that leaving the door open would make it far less likely I would do something that I’d regret because it would also end up being loud. Besides, I did not want to betray Nikolay like that but fuck, this guy was not making this easy for me in the slightest.

“Sasha’s sleeping,” I said trying not to look directly at him, “So yeah…should probably get going.”

“How long before you don’t come back?” He asked.

“Well you know how Nikolay is there are a few more things that he needs to take care of and that could be weeks so-” I was interrupted when he got to his feet. He was huge compared to me. Almost an entire foot taller and twice my weight. Muscular as fuck. To many others, I suppose this would be intimidating and to some extent, it was to me as well but not as much as it was a turn on. Part of it really was the fear. The idea that I really could be at his every command and there was nothing I could do to stop it. “We’ll still talk even when that’s the case.”

“But you won’t come back,” He said.

“Do you think he really wants to come back after all of this? Wants me to come back?” I asked. He took a few steps towards me and I looked up at him for a moment before forcing myself to glance away again.

“No, but he’s left you alone in here with me, twice now.” He said, “I guess I expected him to be smarter than that after-”

“He trusts me, not you.” I cut him off, “And I entirely trust you won’t hurt me or at very least can’t. Not with Sasha right next door.”

“Yes but you also trust me to stop Sasha should he get angry enough to hurt you.” He said. He moved even closer. I took a small step back but not much more than that.

“That has nothing to do with me and I know you would,” I said softly. He got close enough that he could put a hand on my cheek. Using his large hand to gently tilt my face up until I was looking at him again. “Stop it, Demyan.”

“Stop what?” he asked a smirk spreading across his face, “I’m not doing anything.”

“You damn well know what you are doing,” I told him and put my hand on his wrist, grabbing it firmly. He allowed it but I knew very well that if he didn’t want it to happen it wouldn’t, “I told you what the score would be well before now if he came back and-”

“Maybe I think I deserve a goodbye kiss,”

“Maybe you are dreaming.” I told him firmly and pulled his hand down completely, “I will be back before we leave entirely you have my word on that. I need to say goodbye to Sasha anyway.” I turned and put my hand on the door to leave but he grabbed me by my ponytail and yanked me back quickly. Nothing painful but pretty jarring. His hand came up from behind, grasping at my neck, not a choke but a firm hold. I suppose I should have been scared but I wasn’t. I was aroused and I had no right to be.

“Is this really what you want? You know he can’t give you this. He’s always been too timid.” He whispered.

“And you didn’t know about this shit until like a month ago so really-”

“Even so, I’m already better than he is and this was the deciding factor wasn’t it?” He asked. I froze. With how he was pressed against me I could feel how aroused he was too, except he was tall enough that it was more pressed into my back than my ass, still, it was there and it was enticing. I closed my eyes wondering how he knew. I wasn’t entirely shocked, not really. Demyan had always had a way of figuring things out if he was directly told or not. He was a lot like me in that capacity.

“There was a lot of-”

“This was one of them,” He hissed, his grip on my throat getting just a bit tighter.

“But there are other things-”

“Like what, Princess?” He asked then there was a dark chuckle. I let out a low involuntary whine. I hated when he did that. Before I could even consider what my answer might be he had me pinned against the wall, face first. My cheek pressed into it, his hand against my head keeping me in place. His body still pinned against mine.

“Demyan please…” I whispered. I knew that I wasn’t doing everything I could to in order to get him to stop. He probably knew it too. I knew that ultimately, if I got firm with him, yelled even, he’d let go and he would stop. Except he knew this was my thing, what I wanted, and he knew just by his size alone he had Nikolay beaten. Not that anything was wrong with how big Nikolay was if anything it was also perfect. Demyan may have been just a bit too big, in a lot of ways, but still…it drew me in.

“Maybe I need to show you just how wrong you are. Did you really think I was going to stop?” He asked, leaning down enough that I could feel his breath on my skin before he started to kiss my neck. I squealed and shoved backward, and though that should not have been enough to move him, ever (if he hadn’t wanted to) I was able to get him to stop. He released me and I turned to look at him. Glaring at him. Hating myself for liking any of that when I damn well knew I shouldn’t and damn well knew why.

“Stop.” I said firmly, or rather attempted to, my shaky voice betrayed that, “I love him, I want him, and I am leaving with him. That’s not going to change.”

“Is it?”

“This isn’t easy on me you know. Not in the slightest and I don’t even know why any of this Daddy shit is working or why I like it but fuck you.” I told him, “It’s not as if I’ve been blind to this whole act what you’ve been doing this whole time. I know exactly what this is, and if I know that then you have no power over me.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Princess.” He chuckled and backed away a bit more until ultimately he turned away from me and went to sit back down at his laptop where he was before. I shook my head. The worst part in all of this was that he was right and I just didn’t want to admit it.

“It’s over. We can be friends but that’s where I need to draw the line.” I told him, my voice managing to be a bit more secure that time.

“But it’s not what you want-”

“It’s what I need,” I stopped him, “I’ll see you later. You’ll know when I leave. I need to say goodbye to you too.” He just smiled at me smugly and I hurried out of there, knowing that it was way too risky to look back.

"Everything go okay?" Nikolai asked when I got in the car. I didn't want to look at him, not after all of the thoughts that I'd been entertaining but I took a deep breath and forced myself to do it anyway.

"Yeah," I nodded, "Everything's fine. Demyan can be a bit cranky but you know that I can handle myself in there just fine."

"Except you take longer and longer each time." He said and motioned to the clock on his dashboard.

"It's not as simple as you want it to be, Nikolai," I replied. He gave me a look as if he didn't really believe that before starting the car and driving off. It was a considerably long trip back into the city. We were staying in a hotel for the time being because Nikolay hadn't wanted to go home after all that had happened and I didn't blame him. We were only there until he could sell his house and the rest of his stuff. It was taking awhile. Namely, because there were actual crimes that took place at his house, including one murder. It wasn't very easy to sell a place, no matter how nice it was after things like that had occurred on the grounds.

"It should be, you are there for Sasha. Not for him. How much more complicated does it need to be?" He asked.

"I have to talk to Demyan too you know," I said and tried to relax back in my seat. I didn't want this to turn into an argument but I knew it would. I understood why it would. Despite my very complex feelings for Demyan that I didn't even quite understand, I knew that I loved Nikolai. I was in love with Nikolai. Nothing was ever going to change it and I would choose him over Demyan in a heartbeat if I had to make that decision. The problem was, even knowing this, I still had feelings for Demyan. It was hard not to.

"Him or me?" He asked.

"What?" I replied.

"Who do you want?" He clarified.

"You, you know it's you, you know that's always going to be the answer. I risked my entire life to be here and to do this, for you, not for him not for Sasha but for you." I insisted, "Please, I've told you from the start it's not easy to-"

"He tried to kill me. Twice." He interrupted, "You're lucky I let you see him at all and if Sasha hadn't saved my life those two times you wouldn't be."

"I understand why this upsets you, I get it, but if you think I'm going to randomly change my mind after what he-"

"How can you even stand to look at him? Huh? You see my scars every night from what he did and you say you are angry that you don't forgive him but how upset can you be if you keep going to visit?" He demanded. It was a valid question. I also knew that I may have been lying a bit about the not forgiving him part of things. It wasn't that I had entirely forgiven him, not yet, but I was finding forgiveness because I was seeing how much he could change when he knew it was important. It was hard to ignore these things. The problem was that I knew it could also be a trick but he'd done so much to leave his old life behind. Cut ties with all those bad people. It was hard to tell, just yet, how serious he was or not.

"As soon as your house is sold we are leaving and I'll never come back if you ask," I told him. It wasn't something that I wanted to do to Sasha. I was very close to him, he was almost like my own brother after the events that had transpired. Nothing romantic but, sometimes he felt like the other half of my soul. Nikolai at least understood that part because Sasha had risked his life, on my request, to save the man I loved more than once. He knew that Sasha deserved to have me around, at least as long as it was possible and safe for me to do. I glanced over at him and he shook his head.

"That doesn't answer my question," He said.

"Not everything is black and white," I whispered, "Not everything is as easy as hating and loving, forgiveness and...condemnation. I don't know what you want me to tell you but I am aware this is a problem and I know as of now if there was a way to push a button and change my feelings I'd do it in a heartbeat. For you. I can't stop how I feel but I can control how I behave and you know that I would never, ever do that to you. Okay?"

"I know, I trust you but I don't trust him and I don't trust anything he's telling you now or doing, is genuine. He's doing it for you, not for himself." Nikolai said. I was sure he had a point there too so I wasn't even going to deny it. Even if I could tell that Demyan knew right from wrong and bad from good, at the end of the day he was a sociopath and he was incredibly smart. There was no denying that this change had way more to do with me and potentially winning me back than anything he truly wanted to do on his own. I shook my head and closed my eyes.

"Can we please not fight about this? It's over and we can move on." I said, "You'll sell your house soon and we'll be onto our new life. In America. We'll never have a need to look back."

"I sure hope you're right about it because you don't sound sure at all," Nikolai replied. I chose not to answer that because I knew that he wasn't wrong and there was no point in arguing. I didn't want to leave Demyan but more than that, I didn't want to leave Sasha. Everything was twisted up inside of me so constantly I felt like I always wanted to scream. I just knew that if I started, I was never going to stop.