What is your opinion?
Hidden Fantasy 1
"Well written but has a few mistakes here and there. The fantasy story really captures the reader."
Very interesting story
"The description is very catchy. The idea is interesting. Keep up the good work and good luck."
Hidden Fantasy
"I love where you're going with this story! It was hard to follow at times and a couple of grammar errors, but overall it was super interesting! I'm curious on where you take this :)"
review
"the start was really interesting. the plot keeps you on the edge of your seat. looking forward to read more chapters."
The City of a Thousand Races
"Hi, agree with much of your previous review, would just like to let you know that I also enjoyed it, liked the concept very much. There are parts where it comes together nicely where you can see what it could become, look forward to reading more. Thanks. Darcy"
Hidden Fantasy Book 1 (the city of a thousand races)
"Totally intrigued from the start. Plot hooked me as did the Magnus character. I've added it to my reading list because I want to stay with the story. I noticed other comments about proof reading and I agree. It's a pain but it is so important. I find loads of mistakes, spelling and grammar. I go through each chapter twice and I'm sure I still miss stuff. Anyway I think you've got something good so keep going. I'll keep reading."
Has character
"Honestly the first chapter is a bit overwhelming. It takes a bit to process all of the fast information, Maybe slowing the pace down in the beginning with detail. But seriously once you get passed the first chapter its perfect! Amazing pace and at first I didn't think I would fall for Magnus then BAM Ezra comes in and there is come depth and dynamic! both characters I can almost visualize. As for shamgore I seem to have a hard time picturing him... at first that bothered me and then when I learned about him a little I kind of really liked that he was difficult to picture, it added a true element to the story in real life for me. Very interesting though, the plot and characters have me hooked. For anyone who sees this review, if you struggle with the first chapter please keep reading, it will be worth it. Very unique in my opinion!"
Narration
"I love the narration and how it builds the setting. Good plot to grasp with. "
Promising, but needs improvement
"I really like the story you've got going on, and I'd love to read more. The only two issues I see here are grammar, and overloading. By grammar, I mean that you sometimes change the paragraph even though the speaker doesn't change, don't capitalize some words that should be capitalized (Your chapter names, for instance), minor grammar errors here and there, and some misplaced or missing punctuation can make it difficult to figure out what's happening. By overloading, I mean that you're giving a lot of information to the reader without a lot of context. For instance, in the first chapter, why is Magnus being chased? Who is Magnus? Who is Naomi? Why is Naomi there? Why can she shadowport? Is there magic in this world? Making your readers ask questions is great, but making them ask too many, while not offering answers isn't. You have a great big universe that you've constructed, so what you might want to do is to ease your readers into it. Provide some description of your universe before jumping in, for example. In the beginning, I got the impression that this was set in a medieval-ish setting, but the trench coats and sunglasses told me otherwise, while Imperial Knights and God-King sound archaic. You've got things within your universe that clash, but without explanation, which is something that needs a lot of fixing. Otherwise, I really liked it! This is very promising, and I wish you the best of luck in finishing it!"
Nice Job!
"I think your story was really interesting! Your descriptions were really impressive and overall it was enjoyable to read! You might want to read over the story for grammar/punctuation errors though. Nice job!"
Funny!
"I love the plot. The whole outlander thing is what I like! The only problem is the writing skill. There aren't capital letters when there are supposed to be. The quotation marks are in the wrong places. (Even myself I struggle with this area). Other than that I think this story is great! I hope you write more of this."
City of a Thousand Races
"From my first look at this text, I liked it. Your characters (Magnus and Naomi) came to life on the page (screen?) with good development and dialogue that really speaks to the characters' personalities. However. Your story has a lot of typos. I'd recommend either getting a beta-reader or proofreading before you publish. Also, refresh on the rules of formatting dialogue. Besides that, though, great story! -Alexia Whitelock"
Review
"Hello! I thought that your story had a very interesting plot, and I've thoroughly enjoyed reading it so far. That being said, I did find quite a few grammar errors. I pointed out several of them to you in feedback (which you should get an email or notification about). I would suggest being more careful with your use of punctuation, as well as tense. I did notice a few misuses of adverbs, but that wasn't too big of a deal. Besides that, I thought it was a great story! I hope you continue to write it (^-^) -Lana"
interesting
"so while i was reading i liked the whole concept of the story although a little more detailed in the beginning why he was being chased to be captured would be helpful. i felt like i had to jump all over the place to be able to piece things together. also what does Magnus look like? that was my only struggle. now for the good stuff. you've got a great novel in the works and i do want to see the outcome of your magnus character. keep writing, proof read (believe me i struggle with it too!) and produce more chapters and more books!"
The City of a Thousand Races
"Story plot comes across well so far with the current number of chapters. Magnus looks like an anti-hero type of character, which is some of my favourite characters. The plot idea at the moment seems like a simple concept but can easily be turned into something really good, not to say it's not so far. Names are simple but good. Shortfalls are definitely the spelling and grammar. Simple things like the placing of "", spelling issues of simple words and missing much-needed capitalisations. The paragraphs should also be cut up a bit more. Hope the criticism can help in the future."
A Diamond in the Rough. A lot of Rough.
"I have high hopes for your story. Magnus seems like a snarky asshole and I love those guys and the setting is rather interesting as well. You get straight to your point in regards to what the story is about and that's really good. Another thing is that these shadow abilites and hunter pets seem like they're going to be a great and integral part of your story. So, in all honesty, I enjoyed your first chapter. However, as you can tell by the rating, there are a few issues I feel I should bring up. First off, the three giant paragraphs that compose your chapter should be broken up into several more bite-size versions. This would really help the reader understand who's talking and what's going on in your story. Because to be honest, I didn't immediately catch on to how Magnus escaped or that he was talking to someone to the professor until after reading those parts over a few times. Another thing that could've been done better was the introduction to information. The reader doesn't need to immediately know what the imperial knights are doing or what they are meant to do, it might've been even better to give little contex at all in the chase of Magnus. This would've built up a curiosity about the characters invovled in the story and what they were planning on doing, hooking more people to come back and read the next chapter. And when introducing information its always great to have the characters in the story wither notice and think it to themselves or just straight up state it. You've left yourself the perfect avenue for charcters to do their exposition of info thanks to the fact that the main character themselves has no idea what's what either. So use it. My final issue of notice was capitlization, several times Magnus' name was captilized and this made me overlook it several times as just some word that continued the sentence. Captilization of words help them stick and catch the reader's eyes so you should try to utilize it properly. I hope you find my criticism welcome and can't wait to see another chapter."
The City of a Thousand Races
"The title and the teaser were very attractive! The summary was good enough to draw me in. And then, I read the first chapter. I will be honest here. The first thing that I noticed was how the titles at the beginning of the chapter were not matching. I think you should change that. Secondly, your grammar was way off. For example, the first paragraph had names that begin in small letters. Also, I think that some of the words chosen weren't used in the right contexts. Thirdly, you don't have to give out too many details in the first chapter itself. You can leave that for the subsequent chapters. Overall, I liked the plot and the ideas you have for this story and the execution was also done well, but been bent out of shape. So, you need to keep that in mind when you're done with the story and start editing it. Keep writing. You're doing a great job already!"
It's got potential
"Well it's a good story, great plot line and all and I like the way it doesn't take the regular fantasy novel story line or have the regular protagonist character you know. I have to agree with the others though you really got to work on your character description, I mean I only have a vague mental image of what Magnus looks like, you know complexion, scars or tattoos, how attractive, body build, you get the gist right. In all it's a good piece, u kinda rushed the chapter 4 a bit so you got a few grammatical errors and character misplacement there but who cares right. I promised u a horrid review and here you have it bro. Good work, hope for more😉"
Needs a lot of work.,
"Review Let's start with the blurb. A blurb is meant to jump out, and grab your attention. If I read this blurb for a book I was going to purchase, I would discard it. Not because the blurb itself is written poorly per se. First, a "criminal hunter" is not a proper title. There are plenty of things you could use that would leap out off the page: and criminal hunter is not one of them. "Bounty Hunter" or "Inquisitor" or "Inspector", anything but "Criminal hunter." Second, a character named Magnus Black who is referred to as "The Shadow Slayer". Never mind that the term "The Shadow Slayer" is an incredibly silly sounding name for a man who is in the profession of hunting down criminals, it's very low-tier generic. It's such a cliche sounding title that's just so on-the nose when paired with a character named "Magnus Black" that you may as well be smashing your readers face in with a hammer. Now, onto the main beef and potatoes: the story. Two possibilities leap right off the page within the first paragraph. One, either you did not proof read your story, or two, you have a serious problem with repetition. You use the word "dark" three times within the same paragraph to describe things (you should also never use "dark-ish"). You use pub twice within one sentence, then once again in the following sentence. It is also used in the following paragraph which only consiss of two sentences. A paragraph should never contain just two sentences. Both paragraphs within that sentence contain the word "whisky". By the time I've read a quarter of the story, I've been blugeoned over the head with repeititve word use. Whisky this. Whisky that. Pub, pub, pub, pub. Dark, dark, dark, dark. "He imbibed the whisky." "He imbibed more whiskey." This is pretty atrocious levels of repetition. Now, let's try to move past that so we can look more at the story. The presentation is a bit confusing. It starts with us outside of the characters head and a narration describing him, then it cuts to a perspective where we have an inside look at some of his thoughts. This is a jarring thing to do. Next, when your dialogue begins it becomes clear you have grammar issues. Improper use of comas in some spots, lack of comas in others. You also need to be aware that every time a character says something, you don't need to end it "he said (adverb)". Your first bit of dialogue should look like this. (I'd even cut more if this was something I wrote -- you repeat "you guys really" twice. Immediately one after another.) "You guys really decided to come at this time, huh?" he asked, imbibing the whisky. "You guys really are persistent. You've failed in all your attempts to capture me. Why do you think you'll succeed today?" You have the character "turning immediately", to face the person behind him, only then, three "paragraphs" later you have him turning again to face the guy. Didn't he already turn around? Suddenly he's outnumbered, but a second character isn't even introduced who is here to antagonize Magnus. It's just one guy we see and the story tells us he's outnumbered --- what? Black this, black that. The motiff of black is getting tiresome and I'm not even half-way through the story. You have tense changes mid-paragraph. The story actually just becomes unbearable to read in the second half; you drop exposition clumsily, your POV is just all over the place. You use the phrase "he said in a sinister voice" too much. You use "Dark shadows" too much. Cold dark. DARK, DARK, DARK. This is quickly becoming a chore to read. Every time you introduce a character you start with their voice. Doesn't Magnus ever just see a person before hearing them? Also, grammar note: "I couldn't care less" (used correctly the first time) second time "I could care less," (so he could care less? Which means he cares.) You don't bother describing Naomi at all. You use the same cliche "lightning blue" to describe his eyes twice. The dialogue is stiff and inhuman - these don't feel like people. We get notified of a war -- what war? Why does Magnus care? You never establish a reason for Magnus to care, or have a stake. He's the main character, and if you can't tell us why Magnus cares, then there's no reason for the reader to care. Certain plot points shouldn't be a secret. The second the war is mentioned there should be at least SOME exposition. It feels like a story with invisible walls everywhere to hide how shallow the world development is: I don't know what a single street looks like, I don't know what any looks like but Magnus. You switch from following Magnus to the knights without any indication of a chapter break. This is jarring. The verdict is probably pretty obvious by the time you've reached this paragraph: I don't like it. The concept could be interesting if I knew what a hunter was. If I knew why Magnus was being hunted. If I actually got to even see an iota of what Magnus was thinking. That alone prevents it from grabbing my interest. That's before I even take into consideration all of the basic literary mistakes that are here: improper grammar, inconsistent tense-use, the repetition is brutal. The repetition is actually the biggest problem currently, so I'd suggest you work on that for future iterations. You have detail where you don't need it, and don't have detail where you do need it. Plot receives a one because the plot isn't really developed. We get one bit of information about what's happening and you're vague about that. The writing style receives a one because you don't even have a consistent, fleshed out POV to follow. The technical skills receive a three. You a general grasp of grammar, but the story is still filled with grammatical errors, mistakes like inconsistent tenses, and your vocabulary is extremely limited to the point it actually becomes a chore to read: pub, pub, pub, pub, dark, dark, dark, dark, black, black, black, black."
